A Letter From Hell

[Fengirl]

That was excellent. I LOL’ed all the way through!

What a whiner Josh was.
“Waaaaaaaaaah, Zack…it’s all your fault – you didn’t tell me about Jeeeeebus!!”

Let him roast, I say.

 

[Safe-Keeper]

...Zack was utterly horrified, and for the rest of his life he worked tirelessly to save as many people as he could. He joined the Army and killed many godless Muslims. He tithed to the church, persecuted gays, and picketed abortion clinics when he was on leave.

While in Iraq, however, he fell victim to some disease that plagues the people of those lands because they're evil Muslims who hate America and practice teh ghey. Lying on his deathbed, gasping, he felt gratitude that he had been a good Christian for most of his life, and had been able to make up for the misdeed by saving many souls for Christ. He anticipated, any second, to be retrieved by the Angel of Death, who'd bring him to Heaven.

Imagine, therefore, his surprise when a horse swooped down from the sky and touched down near him, hurling up a cloud of sand as it came to a halt next to him. Dismounting from it was a fierce-looking woman clad in medieval battle armour, who picked him up and got back on the horse, with surprising strength for a person who was, after all, as a woman supposed to sit home and give birth to and care for children.

The horse soared back into the air with both Zack and the woman on its back, and flew for hours upon hours until it descended into a blizzard. The woman unceremoniously pushed Zack off the horse, and he collapsed into the deep, powdery snow. The horse flew off into the air without him, vanishing in the whirling snow.

Zack had no clue paradise was so cold. His wound was miraculously gone, but he was freezing like mad and every cell of his body seemed frozen to ice in minutes. Suddenly he saw a man approach him, and demanded an explanation. But the man just kicked him back into the snow and laughed. He explained that Zack had been deceived, that the letter was from him, and that he was now in Hel for having died a boring death in a hospital, rather than on the battlefield like a good warrior.

The end.

[Insert long tirade about not believing the lies of Loki and the importance of living like a true warrior here. Complete with cliché references to Norse mythology]

I know the ending was way too contracted, and that real glurges expand far more on horror and pain. Sorry about that.