Noah reviews

Just looking at the construction of that Ark, really close to what was possible way back when, it could never have survived an ocean environment!
 
angrysoba said:
Oh that's not fair. Can't I hate this film on its own merits?
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Sure you can. But it's not nearly as interesting(to me) as the ridiculous reasons conservative Christians hate it.

Now if only I could get the funding to direct a movie about the Bible. I think the Book of Ezekiel is very film-worthy. It's vaguely similar to the flood story, except an angry Yahweh punishes by other means. We're talking about the destruction of Jerusalem here, and just about every nation in the Middle East. I can just see George Clooney looking so sexy as Ezekiel. Lots of CGI for all the horrific destruction. John Williams can write the moving film score.

I would try my best to stick Gollum in there somehow!
 
Zelenius said:
Sure you can. But it's not nearly as interesting(to me) as the ridiculous reasons conservative Christians hate it.

Now if only I could get the funding to direct a movie about the Bible.
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If I am getting funding to make a movie about the bible, I am going with the Garden of Eden. Before the fall, so before the concept of nudity was shameful, so I am showing Adam and Eve in all their naked glory. No fig leaves, oh no, that would suggest there is shame.

Of course, since the Garden of Eden is pretty boring before the fall (no conflict = no interest), I'd have to throw some sex in to make it worth watching.

And the Christians can't complain, because it's biblical
 
Zelenius said:
Sure you can. But it's not nearly as interesting(to me) as the ridiculous reasons conservative Christians hate it.

Now if only I could get the funding to direct a movie about the Bible. I think the Book of Ezekiel is very film-worthy. It's vaguely similar to the flood story, except an angry Yahweh punishes by other means. We're talking about the destruction of Jerusalem here, and just about every nation in the Middle East. I can just see George Clooney looking so sexy as Ezekiel. Lots of CGI for all the horrific destruction. John Williams can write the moving film score.

I would try my best to stick Gollum in there somehow!
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I thought I might just make a low-budget version of the Massacre of the Canaanites, with no CGI and with lots of no frills violence in a cinema verite fashion. There'll also be some close-up rape scenes too.

Basically, anybody hoping for Ye Olde Style Biblical Epics or Modern CGI Lord of the Rings-hybrid Epics will be disappointed.
 
angrysoba said:
I thought I might just make a low-budget version of the Massacre of the Canaanites, with no CGI and with lots of no frills violence in a cinema verite fashion. There'll also be some close-up rape scenes too.

Basically, anybody hoping for Ye Olde Style Biblical Epics or Modern CGI Lord of the Rings-hybrid Epics will be disappointed.
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Oh, come on. It's the 21st century. You can't make an honest movie about fake stuff without CGI!
 
Zelenius said:
... Now if only I could get the funding to direct a movie about the Bible. ...John Williams can write the moving film score.
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Bad, Zelenius, bad.
You owe me for a keyboard replacement!
 
Not seeing this because "The Fountain" was enough to convince me that Aronfsky and mysticism/religon are a bad mix.
 
I would say if atheists really wanted to undermine the "faith" all we'd have to do is make movies that are word for word biblical.
The story where the guy give up his female companion to be gang raped and murdered then he cuts her body into 4 pieces, comes to mind.
And then there's the song of Solomon "I put my hand into her door and her bowels gush forth" (hint: female ejaculation)
Now there's a story they leave out of the sunday school lesson.
 
I was looking through the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Was rated 76% by critics but only 58% by normal viewers. Not normally a good sign, but people seemed to either love it or hate it - so it finally got my curiosity up. At first I thought it might be an atheists vs believers meme, but the like/dislike was more complex.

Just on basic principle of not paying money to people who make religious movies I bought a ticket to a 'Divergent' showing (I've already seen it) that started 10 minutes earlier and then hustled over to see Noah across the hallway. With the theater almost empty I was a little nervous I'd be missed over in Divergent but nobody cared.

Oddly enough, I would give Noah about a 58% also.

There are parts that are excellent and parts that seem to have been added just to gratuitously piss believers off. There are parts that are just plan bad, and parts that are inspired. Noah could be an hour shorter and pretty well tell the Bible version, it is the other hour of creative material that I'm curious who the intended audience is. Believers will hate it and unbelievers will go 'huh'? is that really in the Bible?

In this extra hour we are presented with a rather maniacal lunatic, a would be baby-killer Noah who understands God's message being that humans are only temporary and expendable tools primarily needed to save all the innocent animals that God was REALLY interested in saving. It is only at the very end and with a sense of disappointing failure that Noah assents to what is essentially Plan B - 'ok it's up to me so let's let some people live'.

There is enough outright Biblical nonsense to please atheists and believers alike. Noah needs a Starship, oops I mean ark, to do God's will - so a forest miraculously appears in a barren landscape borrowed from 'The Lorax' just so it can be cut down to make God's ark. The animal loading is done well - you see a vast multitude of animals waiting patiently to be loaded on a comparatively tiny ark - and yet there is room for them all.

It is hard to tell from the darkness of some of the cinematography, but I'm pretty sure a unicorn is killed and eaten as well as some humans.

The movie is almost worth watching just to see Anthony Hopkins as Methuselah. It is a small role but he nails the crazy OT mystical prophet, peppering it with mystical power and an endless search for fresh berries and presumably a pet cat. (His death is actually a Biblical date calculation).

The idea of an industrialist steampunk pre-flood society is inspired but there is not enough of it. The earth giants/fallen angels/Nephilium are not as annoying as reviews portray but an opportunity to add some sorely needed humor was lost. This is a far too serious movie.

So finally, by the end the movie just seemed like a waste of time - it doesn't carry any real 'heft' for either believers or unbelievers.
 
Coming soon to a theater near you:

Noah 2, the Re-Population!

Tagline: Incest wasn't always such a big deal!
 
kedo1981 said:
So does Noah turn one son into a negro?
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His son Ham sees him naked so Noah curses his progeny to be black and servants to his brothers, this lead many Christian denominations to conclude that blacks should be slaves by god's will.

Since slavery has fallen out of fashion most have found that god agrees with society.
 
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Kopji said:
I was looking through the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Was rated 76% by critics but only 58% by normal viewers. Not normally a good sign, but people seemed to either love it or hate it - so it finally got my curiosity up. At first I thought it might be an atheists vs believers meme, but the like/dislike was more complex.

Just on basic principle of not paying money to people who make religious movies I bought a ticket to a 'Divergent' showing (I've already seen it) that started 10 minutes earlier and then hustled over to see Noah across the hallway. With the theater almost empty I was a little nervous I'd be missed over in Divergent but nobody cared.

Oddly enough, I would give Noah about a 58% also.

There are parts that are excellent and parts that seem to have been added just to gratuitously piss believers off. There are parts that are just plan bad, and parts that are inspired. Noah could be an hour shorter and pretty well tell the Bible version, it is the other hour of creative material that I'm curious who the intended audience is. Believers will hate it and unbelievers will go 'huh'? is that really in the Bible?

In this extra hour we are presented with a rather maniacal lunatic, a would be baby-killer Noah who understands God's message being that humans are only temporary and expendable tools primarily needed to save all the innocent animals that God was REALLY interested in saving. It is only at the very end and with a sense of disappointing failure that Noah assents to what is essentially Plan B - 'ok it's up to me so let's let some people live'.

There is enough outright Biblical nonsense to please atheists and believers alike. Noah needs a Starship, oops I mean ark, to do God's will - so a forest miraculously appears in a barren landscape borrowed from 'The Lorax' just so it can be cut down to make God's ark. The animal loading is done well - you see a vast multitude of animals waiting patiently to be loaded on a comparatively tiny ark - and yet there is room for them all.

It is hard to tell from the darkness of some of the cinematography, but I'm pretty sure a unicorn is killed and eaten as well as some humans.

The movie is almost worth watching just to see Anthony Hopkins as Methuselah. It is a small role but he nails the crazy OT mystical prophet, peppering it with mystical power and an endless search for fresh berries and presumably a pet cat. (His death is actually a Biblical date calculation).

The idea of an industrialist steampunk pre-flood society is inspired but there is not enough of it. The earth giants/fallen angels/Nephilium are not as annoying as reviews portray but an opportunity to add some sorely needed humor was lost. This is a far too serious movie.

So finally, by the end the movie just seemed like a waste of time - it doesn't carry any real 'heft' for either believers or unbelievers.
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Very nice and balanced review - thanks for taking the time
 
Cainkane1 said:
Does the movie include the love scene between Noah and his daughters?
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I haven't see the movie, only the previews. I think Jennifer Connolly plays Noah's wife, and the 'Hermione' actress plays their adopted daughter. Noah and his wife have two young sons in the movie.

As I recall, in the OT version, Noah and his wife had three adult sons and three daughters-in-law, all who rode the ark. I supposed that Bible literalists believe that those four couples repopulated humanity.
 
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