Anyone "Come out" as an athiest to their religious parents?

[gnome]

@lister -- I hadn't thought of that, and I'm glad that you don't have to worry in the way I described.

 

[Mister Agenda]

My sister-in-law asked me about my beliefs. I didn't feel it was fair to ask her to keep it a secret, so my dad and many on his side of the family know I'm an atheist (my mom died several years ago). The prosyletizing was stepped up to levels that won't have me advertising my atheism to my mother's side (also Pentecostal).

 

[Mark6]

Julia Sweeney's "Letting Go of God" is a good resource for the OP. In her one woman show, she mentions that her parents knew she didn't believe in God, but when she told them she was an "atheist" that's when it hit the fan. Her mother reacted to the word "atheist", rather than the idea of her daughter not believing in God. Funny.

I think (this is not a joke) people are put off by one but not the other because of "-ist" in "atheist". Any "-ism" -- nationalism, communism, socialism, existentialism, you name it, -- is an ideology. Saying "I am a xxxx-ist" means "I subscribe to such and such ideology", while saying "I don't believe in God" means, explicitly, that I do not have an ideology. It's a much less threatening statement.

Of course, atheism is precisely that -- not an ideology but an absence of one. But too many people have hard time grasping it. Especially if the only atheists they hear are the ones like Dawkins, for whom it IS an ideology.

 

[Craig4]

Yeah and my mom prays a rosary for me and cries a lot.

 

[Kahalachan]

Atheist has negative connotation with immorality.

If you said I simply don't believe in god, which is what I did, it has the same effect without saying the A-word.

My parents never said the A-word yet. But co-workers and friends have used the A-word to describe me since they know I don't believe in a god.

 

[Uncle Otto]

A few years ago, I had to undergo a heart catheterization. I had a phone conversation with my mother prior to the operation, and she told me "I know you don't believe in this, but I'm praying for you". We had a nice conversation. She is devoutly Catholic. I was raised very strict Catholic. But she has come to accept that I'm not a believer, and haven't been for a very long time.

I let it drop at that, and didn't bring it up again. Neither has she, and she is now 86 years old, and in failing health. There is no point to me bringing it up that I can think of. My brother and sister both know I'm atheistic, as do a lot of other people in my family who are still Catholic. I haven't gotten any grief out of any of them for it.

So I guess I've been lucky with that. When it comes time for Mom's Catholic funeral, I'll go through the motions with no problem, because it's what she would want. Doesn't change anything with my lack of belief. It's just respect for the desire of some one else who still believes something that I don't. I see no harm in that to me, or anyone else.

 

[Baloney]

Of course, atheism is precisely that -- not an ideology but an absence of one. But too many people have hard time grasping it. Especially if the only atheists they hear are the ones like Dawkins, for whom it IS an ideology.

Although atheism may be the absence of an ideology, it is definitely sensible to say it is a specific worldview or perspective. If comparing worldviews (and this may be a semantic [or pedantic] point), you could absolutely say either "my worldview includes a god (or gods)" or "my worldview is absent of gods" -- which decisively puts the "have not"s in opposition to the "haves."

This, I believe, is why theists get all bent out of shape.

 

[MontagK505]

I think (this is not a joke) people are put off by one but not the other because of "-ist" in "atheist". Any "-ism" -- nationalism, communism, socialism, existentialism, you name it, -- is an ideology. Saying "I am a xxxx-ist" means "I subscribe to such and such ideology", while saying "I don't believe in God" means, explicitly, that I do not have an ideology. It's a much less threatening statement.

Of course, atheism is precisely that -- not an ideology but an absence of one. But too many people have hard time grasping it. Especially if the only atheists they hear are the ones like Dawkins, for whom it IS an ideology.

While I think of atheism is the non-belief in the supernatural, I think being an atheist can have ideological effects for the individual.

 

[Bram Kaandorp]

While I think of atheism is the non-belief in the supernatural, I think being an atheist can have ideological effects for the individual.

Just like any and every belief/non-belief, so what's your point? What makes atheism special that you say this?

 

[Wolfman]

lister,

I come from a very similar background to your own. My father was an Anglican minister, I was raised in an evangelical home, and was quite a committed Christian; I even attended Bible College to train as a missionary (not cuz it was expected of me, but because I wanted to). But, eventually, I ended up realizing that it just didn't make sense, and I couldn't believe it any more.

It took me about eight years to tell my parents about it...for pretty much exactly the same reason as you. I wasn't worried that they'd reject me (and they didn't). But I knew that if I told them I was an atheist, they'd feel stress and worry because they'd believe I was going to hell. Not telling them seemed to hurt nobody; telling them would result in pain and worry for them.

But, finally, I did tell them. First, because I felt uncomfortable with the lies I inevitably had to tell in order to maintain the facade that I still maintained some kind of belief in God. Second, because I wanted to be able to talk honestly with them about my ideas.

When I finally did 'come out', my parents accepted it...they'd actually been suspecting it for awhile, so it wasn't a huge revelation. And for the most part, their reaction was (and continues to be) that they'll pray for me, and that some day god will bring me back to the fold.

It also enabled me to have discussions that I couldn't have before that, explaining the reasons why (my parents had been worried at first that I was rebelling against them because they'd done something wrong...the realization that it was an intellectual decision, not an emotional rejection of their beliefs, actually eased some worry on their part). And it made me far, far more comfortable to refuse to go to church with them, or attend other religious activities, without having to make up excuses (or worse, attend such events and pretend to be involved).

Overall, I am happy that I told them, and wish I'd done it sooner.

I can understand for someone who's parents might reject them, or treat them with anger, how it would be more difficult. But your situation seems quite similar to what mine was, and personally I'd encourage you to talk with them, and tell them where you're at.

 

[wolfgirl]

I had a similar situation with my mom before she died. I had been raised as a xian, though not strongly so. We didn't go to church much or pray at home or anything like that, but the idea of god was just taken for granted. I know the fact that I was never baptized bothered her because she was afraid I would go to hell.

Once I realized I was an atheist, I never bothered to tell her. It really didn't come up much; like I said, we weren't a terribly religious family. When I would think of telling her, I would realize all it would do would be give her something else to worry about...would I be going to hell for not believing?

The decision not to tell her came from not wanting to cause her any sort of fear or worry. The idea of "living a lie" was something I could much more easily live with than the idea of causing her pain.

So I guess my advice to you would be to make this decision based on weighing anything you might gain from it against what it might cost your parents. Making the decision in a loving way rather than a selfish one will bring you the most happiness, I think.

 

[lister]

lister,

I come from a very similar background to your own. My father was an Anglican minister, I was raised in an evangelical home, and was quite a committed Christian; I even attended Bible College to train as a missionary (not cuz it was expected of me, but because I wanted to). But, eventually, I ended up realizing that it just didn't make sense, and I couldn't believe it any more.

It took me about eight years to tell my parents about it...for pretty much exactly the same reason as you. I wasn't worried that they'd reject me (and they didn't). But I knew that if I told them I was an atheist, they'd feel stress and worry because they'd believe I was going to hell. Not telling them seemed to hurt nobody; telling them would result in pain and worry for them.

But, finally, I did tell them. First, because I felt uncomfortable with the lies I inevitably had to tell in order to maintain the facade that I still maintained some kind of belief in God. Second, because I wanted to be able to talk honestly with them about my ideas.

When I finally did 'come out', my parents accepted it...they'd actually been suspecting it for awhile, so it wasn't a huge revelation. And for the most part, their reaction was (and continues to be) that they'll pray for me, and that some day god will bring me back to the fold.

It also enabled me to have discussions that I couldn't have before that, explaining the reasons why (my parents had been worried at first that I was rebelling against them because they'd done something wrong...the realization that it was an intellectual decision, not an emotional rejection of their beliefs, actually eased some worry on their part). And it made me far, far more comfortable to refuse to go to church with them, or attend other religious activities, without having to make up excuses (or worse, attend such events and pretend to be involved).

Overall, I am happy that I told them, and wish I'd done it sooner.

I can understand for someone who's parents might reject them, or treat them with anger, how it would be more difficult. But your situation seems quite similar to what mine was, and personally I'd encourage you to talk with them, and tell them where you're at.

Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond (and that goes for everyone else too obviously). As you say, your situation sounds very similar so it was really useful to hear your take on it, expecially regarding your parents' fears that they were somehow responsible.

You've given me some stuff to think on, so thanks again.

 

[dafydd]

I like "unbeliever" myself, but since I live in the Netherlands, using an English word when Dutch ones are abundant is a but weird.

Ongelovige does fit the bill better.

 

[Bram Kaandorp]

Ongelovige does fit the bill better.

Yeah, but that usually means "doubting".

As in "doubting thomas" (ongelovige thomas)


Hey! That's actually not a bad idea!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubting_Thomas

A Doubting Thomas is someone who will refuse to believe something without direct, physical, personal evidence; in other words, a skeptic.

Scratch the "personal" and you have a winner.

Not sure how original it would be, but I don't care.

 

[joesixpack]

My parents are pretty dedicated Catholics and I came out to them years ago. At first my mother thought it was a phase (it was shortly after my first marriage ended, so she just figured it was a crisis of faith. I had been married almost 13 years when my ex and I broke up), but over the past ten years she's come to accept it more.

While they were visiting recently she was complaining about the Catholic church supporting the republican party only because of their pro-life stance, then she got into a tirade about how stupid it was for people to place so much importance on a candidate being religious because "that's no indication of morality at all. Atheists have morals!" she said, "Morals don't come from a pulpit, you either have 'em or you don't!"

I was very proud of her that day.

 

[Brown]

I don't deem myself an atheist, but I could easily understand how others would deem me so. To me, the label is not important.

A few days ago, I participated in an official US government survey. I really did. When I was asked about my religion, I answered "None."

I didn't say I was an atheist. That term to me is not clearly defined. But I am a member of no church, I recognize no human authority as divine, I accept no written or oral messages from people on their say-so as agents for the Almighty, I say no prayers, I hold no superstitions, I participate in no religious rituals, I do not have any reason that there ever has been or will be supernatural influence on human affairs, I accept no religion as privileged, I fear no vengeful deity or everlasting torment. Therefore, my religion is "None."

Note that I said nothing about whether I believe in the existence of any deity. As far as I'm concerned, that is a completely distinct question from whether any of the world's religions is valid.

By the way, I've participated in this survey for many years now, and the survey results often get reported in major news stories. If this one gets reported (perhaps next spring), I'll let you know.

 

[godless dave]

My reticence is purely for their benefit. I simply do not want to give them the stress and worry of my eternal damnation. They believe this stuff is real. What good would come of giving them such a burden.

I'm not disagreeing with your decision or your reasoning, but I want to clarify something. You wouldn't be giving them the burden. Whoever convinced them to believe in eternal damnation gave them that burden.

 

[LarianLeQuella]

As a lifelong atheist who has no personal advice to give, I did want to comment on one thin in the original post:

They are both in their 70's. The word "atheist" seems to be on a par with "devil worshiper" to them.

This sort of reaction is absolutely maddening to me! I know there is a lot of historical baggage associated with the word atheist (most of that baggage thanks to the religious heaping it upon anyone with the adacity to not accept their BS), but I would like to see an education process where people won't react so negatively to someone "coming out" as an atheist. Maybe it would be an educational opportunity to show that at the very least what they have thought of atheists is wrong.

Best of luck to you. I for one would encourage you to tell them, but that's just my opinion, and you are free to choose your own course.

 

[MikeG]

The most interesting thing about this thread for me is how radically different the same issue would be over here in the UK.

Because of the place religion has in this society (very lowly, and dropping all the time), every gradation of non-belief ranging from doubts, through agnosticism and atheism to raging anti-theism is far more prevalent than strong religious conviction. There are absolutely no connotations of amorality associated with atheism, because everyone knows dozens of atheists (indeed, most people would find it easier to list the religious people they know, as the non-believer category is overwhelmingly the largest), and can actually see that there is no link between religious belief and morals.

In fact, generally from my experience, this isn't a question that arises over here. The religious are generally quiet about their beliefs, and I guess the default position is that one assumes atheism unless one hears some evidence to the contrary.

Mike

 

[LarianLeQuella]

Mike,

Lister is in the UK though (or at least her location suggests that).