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Anyone "Come out" as an athiest to their religious parents?

lister

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lister
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Aug 27, 2005
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My parents are fundamental Christians, my father being a retired minister. I was brought up the same and was "born again" in my teens. I slowly (and reluctantly) realised that it was all bunkem in my mid twenties. I am now 36 and would classify myself as a staunch atheist.

My parents do not know my position. They know I no longer attend church, and they are aware of my vocal skepticism of other woo stuff. I am sure they worry about me, but the subject is rarely brought up, and if it is I tend to dodge the hints/questions as nimbly as I can.

I love my parents very much. They are good people and I have a great relationship with them. The only times my atheism causes me discomfort around them is saying grace at the dinner table on family gatherings, and the aformentioned rare hinting.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell them my position starkly, but I just cannot see the good in doing so. They are both in their 70's. The word "atheist" seems to be on a par with "devil worshiper" to them. To say that I believe that god is a delusion would be a massive kick in the teeth to my father who gave up a promising career to do "God's work". They would both worry themselves stupid about the state of my eternal soul. The only thing "better" would be the relief of my occasional slight sense of deception. So, it is easier to just let things stand as they are.

My question is to anyone in a similar situation who decided to tell their parents anyway. How did they react? Did it make things better or worse?
 
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I did it a few years ago. My Pentecostal Mom wasn't pleased at first but later told me she had known for a while. My family is fine with me being an atheist and never bring religion up around me or try to convert me.
 
Parents are catholic and I've been out so long I don't remember much of a kerfuffle at all. Of course there might have been at the time but it's not even spoken of anymore.
 
Julia Sweeney's "Letting Go of God" is a good resource for the OP. In her one woman show, she mentions that her parents knew she didn't believe in God, but when she told them she was an "atheist" that's when it hit the fan. Her mother reacted to the word "atheist", rather than the idea of her daughter not believing in God. Funny.

I have not personally "come out" but my parents have a pretty good idea.
 
Nursedan said:
she mentions that her parents knew she didn't believe in God, but when she told them she was an "atheist" that's when it hit the fan. Her mother reacted to the word "atheist", rather than the idea of her daughter not believing in God. Funny.
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Yeah, that word carries an awful lot of baggage for some reason. Many non-believer don't even use it; they'll call themselves agnostics instead.
 
Nursedan has an interesting point--consider the audience of who you're speaking to.

To the kind of person you might be afraid to admit atheism to, the word "atheist" has a lot of baggage that could mislead them into believing things about you that aren't true.

Saying that you're having a hard time with the idea of God, and making it clear that you can't simply pray away your doubts, would probably be the best hope for understanding. The consequences of that understanding, however, may not be ideal, so I understand why some people would choose not to bring it out.
 
It also might be worth it not to say anything at all. If you think it's uncomfortable to sit silently during a short pre-meal prayer, what kind of discomfort are you going to create if you destroy your relationship with your parents?

Do they ask you to say grace? If it never comes up, why even hint?

I guess ultimately the question is "What will you gain by telling your parents you're an atheist?"
 
Baloney said:
It also might be worth it not to say anything at all. If you think it's uncomfortable to sit silently during a short pre-meal prayer, what kind of discomfort are you going to create if you destroy your relationship with your parents?

Do they ask you to say grace? If it never comes up, why even hint?

I guess ultimately the question is "What will you gain by telling your parents you're an atheist?"
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Nothing as far as I can see, hence the post to see if I'm missing something obvious.
I might be "living a lie" for instance. ;)
 
I'll play devil's advocate, and bring up the benefits of honesty.

By withholding the truth, you are setting the expectation that your parents will respond negatively and reject you in some way. For the rest of your life will you wonder if your parents' love for you is so conditional? Without even giving them the chance to express something different from that?

You risk rejection by honesty--but if you're right and they do reject you, the only thing that's changed is the pretending. On the other hand, if you're wrong, and they surprise you with compassion and an attempt to understand... imagine missing out on knowing that about them, and receiving that understanding.

...

Forget devil's advocate... I've convinced myself that I fully believe this.

But, I would not disrespect someone who didn't want to go down that road. They may know more than I do about their parents.
 
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lister said:
Nothing as far as I can see, hence the post to see if I'm missing something obvious.
I might be "living a lie" for instance. ;)
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I bet they know or suspect anyway so I wouldn't be surprised if you are both in a state of 'ask no questions hear no lies'.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it if I were in your situation - if it comes up in conversation you can discuss your feelings and how you respect their ideas (saying grace, worried about your 'soul' etc) and are grateful that they have always respected yours (not going to church etc). If you make a big deal of it and portray it as "coming out" (a phrase which is, completely out of context for this situation IMHO) then you are just asking for confrontation; particularly if you use the loaded word "athiest" which you have said for them carries a whole load of baggage.

Far better to let it come out in conversation if they ask, and then if THEY ask if you are an athiest start your reply by asking them what they mean by athiest first.

Just a suggestion - and Merry Christmas! :D

Yuri
 
Baloney said:
It also might be worth it not to say anything at all. If you think it's uncomfortable to sit silently during a short pre-meal prayer, what kind of discomfort are you going to create if you destroy your relationship with your parents?

Do they ask you to say grace? If it never comes up, why even hint?

I guess ultimately the question is "What will you gain by telling your parents you're an atheist?"
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But at what point do you stop "playing along"?

Suppose you have children, and your parents are adamant that you have them baptised, receive communion and go to Sunday school.

Would you then say "No, I don't believe those things, so why would I raise my children in a way that is totally out of line with my own?", or will you stay closeted and say "yes mom"?
 
Coming from a family of extreme religious catholics, it doesn't come up. My mother was extremely angry with me when at the age of 20 I told her I wasn't going to church anymore. My guess is my parents may think I'm atheist/agnostic but if someone asks I'll tell the truth but I won't force the issue. No one is pushing religion at me.

On a side note, some relatives should know by certain facebook postings of mine.
 
Gawdzilla - nice video.

Lister - I never told my parents, because by the time I was sure of it for myself, they were in failing mental health, and there was no point; they wouldn't have understood and it would have just been pointless.

However, I have also not told my very dogmatic Catholic brother and his wife. I know they would be bothered, at least some. I want to be honest about it with them, but ... I guess the right opportunity hasn't come up yet.
 
gnome said:
By withholding the truth, you are setting the expectation that your parents will respond negatively and reject you in some way. For the rest of your life will you wonder if your parents' love for you is so conditional? Without even giving them the chance to express something different from that?
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I agree with your reasoning, but it does not apply in my situation. I have a great relationship with my parents, and even if I did come out as an atheist, they would still love me and welcome me.

My reticence is purely for their benefit. I simply do not want to give them the stress and worry of my eternal damnation. They believe this stuff is real. What good would come of giving them such a burden. They would spend the rest of their life trying in vain to change my mind and worrying themselves sick.

Yuri Nalyssus said:
I bet they know or suspect anyway so I wouldn't be surprised if you are both in a state of 'ask no questions hear no lies'.
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Absolutely, but I think they are kidding themselves that I am just "backslidden" and that deep down I am still saved. After all, once saved you can't be "unsaved" right?

Yuri Nalyssus said:
I wouldn't make a big deal of it if I were in your situation - if it comes up in conversation you can discuss your feelings and how you respect their ideas (saying grace, worried about your 'soul' etc) and are grateful that they have always respected yours (not going to church etc). If you make a big deal of it and portray it as "coming out" (a phrase which is, completely out of context for this situation IMHO) then you are just asking for confrontation; particularly if you use the loaded word "athiest" which you have said for them carries a whole load of baggage.
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Yes, if the conversation ever did happen then of course I would not use such a loaded word.

The "coming out" thing came about really because on another forum I frequent a gay Hindu guy has just come out to his parents and basically been disowned. The entire thread is full of support for him for "being true to to himself", "not living a lie" and "doing the right thing" etc etc, despite the outcome that he has effectively lost his entire family.
Now don't get me wrong. Given the guy's circumstances it seems it was absolutely the best thing for him to do, but it got me pondering my own little deception, and whether I was doing the "right thing" by avoiding it.
 
maddog said:
Lister - I never told my parents, because by the time I was sure of it for myself, they were in failing mental health, and there was no point; they wouldn't have understood and it would have just been pointless.
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This was the point I was failing to make. Thanks, maddog. Also, I agree with what Yuri was saying.
 
It was a weird conversation because the day I came out to my parents was the day my sister was having her sons baptized and asked me to be a godmother. I said that I was honored that she trusted me, that much, knowing I am an atheist. I thought they knew. My stepfather is a theist, as in he believes in an intelligent being but does not subscribe to the Catholic doctrine that my mother does. My mother treated it like it was some rebellion and my stepfather asked me how I could not believe in a higher power. I said that I see no evidence for it. He asked the typical question, "do you believe in love?" I told him it's a ridiculous comparison. Love is not some mystical forces to "believe in." It's an emotion. I believe love exists the same way all other chemical reactions in the brain exist. My mother then asked when I got so jaded.

Later on that evening, my mother and I got into a fight over unrelated events. I told her I was not going to play her game any more and she approached me, got on her knees, and began to hug me and rock me back and forth, asking when I got so broken. I didn't speak to her for months after that. When we started talking again, she still treats my lack of belief as something I will eventually get over.
 
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