But to tackle the other problem too: yes, I know that about half the Christians are Catholics and those have the blanket excuse that they're non-literalists. Except too often that's just an excuse to not have any goalposts at all, much less fixed ones. For most non-priest Catholics you'd be hard pressed to get more than a "yeah, but we're not taking that literally" about most of the Bible. They can't even say what _does_ it mean according to their doctrine.
And when you do get an "it's a metaphor for X", it actually leaves me stumped as to exactly why would god say "black" when apparently it's a metaphor for "white."
E.g., to take Genesis as an example again, but from that angle, I'm told basically that it's one big metaphor for the accretion of Earth, for evolution, etc. And even that when God gives Eve birth pains as punishment for having learned good an evil, what he
really means is: a brain big enough for sentience will mean a big head on the baby and it'll hurt like a sonofawitch when it comes out.
But the problem still is that that metaphor gets so many basic things wrong (e.g., birds before reptiles, or advanced trees with seed before a visible sun), that it's really not a metaphor at all. A God who actually knows how that stuff happened, and made it all with his own two hands (ok, ok, with the Logos

), can put it oversimplified or use metaphoric language, but has no excuse to get the order wrong or basically to describe something hideously unrelated. There's only so much you can stretch a metaphor before it ceases to be a metaphor entirely.
Basically I'd still want to see _some_ stuff in that Bible that supports those leaps of faith to what it
really means. Just going "we're not literalists" only cuts it so far.
Well, unless they want to tell me that God was just taking the piss all along. Fair enough. As a bit of a class clown myself, it would be a bit hypocritical of me to ask God to stay serious