A Fable of Food and Conspiracy
The spaghetti hit the floor when nobody was looking.
The cat was a suspect and nobody had any reason to suspect the hamster.
What came to be known as the Spaghetti Incident continues to be followed with fascination by waiters, animal behaviorists, and other experts, worldwide. TV news stopped covering it after a few months except on the anniversary, which focused on menus and new restaurants, not the culprit.
To understand what happened, it didn't occur to anyone to calculate exactly how the spaghetti strands arranged themselves on the floor or try to work backwards from the floor to the plate on the table, strand by strand. Buying lots of identical plates, filling them with spaghetti and pushing them off the table was pointless. Explaining exactly how the mess landed on the floor is literally impossible in theory and in practice and it doesn't tell you anything about the culprit and how he did it, but I digress from the telling of the fable.
The first animal behavior expert to look at the mess quickly came up with a hypothesis for how the cat got on the table and pushed the plate. It was for some reason called the Feline Eating Theory (FET) even though just about anything involving cats and food could be called that.
Obscure professional publications read by a scant few million specialists in the many relevant topics, worldwide, continue to report, to this day the details of the investigation but since it isn't on TV or on a free website with "cats" in the name, the general public doesn't know of this. Some of these specialists see if other cats like the same spaghetti and show how a cat can push a plate. They publish their findings and calculations with all details for other to recreate any many do. None of these experts can find any cause to investigate anything but the cat for this particular crime even though stories are widely told of other pets pushing food to the floor, true or not and relevant or not. Nobody sees the need to see if cats like oatmeal.
Engineers are able to use the height of the table and the mass and viscosity of the spaghetti to prove statistically and by computer simulation that the diameter and height of the mess and the splash of sauce on the distant wall is well within the range of possibility and the pile is found to conform to the bell curve, which is to be expected. None of them complain that the mess was "cleaned up too quickly". The vast majority of the food was inspected by food scientists before being shipped to China to feed starving children. It was shipped quickly to prevent spoilage. No hamster hair was found. The plate fragments are tested, as are other plates made to the same ASPE [2] specification. Engineers determine that there was nothing unusual about the way the plate broke and when asked, they say the cause was gravity. Lots of people ask, "what is viscosity?" Some people express confusion about the role gravity played in the SI and asked what do bell peppers have to do with it, anyway?
When all the evidence was considered, the first version of the FET is determined to be wrong in one detail, the location of the chair in relationship to the cat footprints. Evidence and analysis shows that the cat could and did jump from other furniture. The label, "FET" somehow stuck to the entire investigation in the public mind. The 100,000,000 google hits for "FET" obscure the sites that accurately describe the updated version of the theory. The fact that the updated sites rarely have "cats" in the name makes finding accurate information easy for anyone not obsessed with cats.
After a couple years of study, the SI Report was published. It supported the hypothesis that the cat did it. It was supported by thousands of pages of detail and was complete with videos of cats pushing plates and eating spaghetti. The evidence and research results the report is based on is available for others to examine, including samples of the sauce which they keep in a special freezer far away from animals. In the investigation, they discovered that the table had a wobbly leg that contributed to the fall, that DNA that matched the cat was found in the mess and tomato DNA was found in hairballs later coughed up by the cat. The SI Report buried this kind of information in appendix ZZ-Alpha-Z and it got little public notice. They succeeded in proving to the satisfaction of everyone with relevant expertise that the cat, unaided, did it. Some cat experts disagree about exactly how the cat pushed the plate but they don't say that it wasn't the cat or claim that the cat had help. There are no offers buy the rights to the SI report as a movie concept.
Physicists remind anyone that will listen that nobody can predict the exact shape and position of the spaghetti strands from the initial conditions, due to the randomness and complexity of way the plate flips as it leaves the table top. They refer to this as the Spaghetti Uncertainty Principle and talk about butterflies and weather but do a poor job of explaining these concepts to the general public. The discussion of the Spaghetti Incident in popular media reveals a shocking lack of general education in animal behavior, food presentation, weather, butterflies and gravity. Physicists are not interviewed on TV although lots of people that are described as "renowned experts" seem to be.
World-renowned, credible waiters from the Famous Waiters School confirmed that the way the spaghetti fell is consistent with their experience and that the sauce splashes on the wall were to be expected and that the lack of splashes would, in fact, be suspicious.
The use of the label, "FET" is avoided by investigators because it is vague and one version is flawed. People that believe the cat didn't do it repeat the claim that the "failure of the FET theory" means that the cat is innocent, or that SI never happened, or something. They ignore the facts as a whole implicate the cat and the name given to the theory has nothing to do with the what the theory says.
CFTers claim that "no cat ever ate spaghetti" even though videos of cats eating spaghetti posted by cat owners are found on YouTube. CFTers respond by posting an immense number of very short videos showing cats not eating spaghetti. The original unedited videos are found and they show cats leaving the scene having stuffed themselves on meat sauce off the floor.
The discussion of the footprints from the first FET has morphed into "couldn't walk in those footprints" and this phrase is used (over and over) by critics to claim that the cat story is impossible. People that say this can't say why and they never saw the footprints, the cat, or the table. They point to lots of other tables, most of which don't have a wobbly leg. People that are familiar with the specifics of SI see nothing strange with the standard description of the event.
Waiters and animal behavior experts, worldwide read the SI report, study the calculations and follow the discussion (which isn't on TV or free websites with "cats" in the name.) Some of them have some difference in the details but all agree that a cat did it and that the hamster didn't. [1] The handful of alleged animal experts that say the cat couldn't do it because it is "too small" turn out to be elephant behavior experts and that they tested cat behavior with marinara sauce. Surveys show that in the general public, people that don't own cats are more likely to believe that the cat couldn't have done it. People familiar with cats believe it is possible.
A group calling themselves "Cats for Truth" (which seems to contain no actual cats, but in fact consists of lots of identically trained parrots that can't fly) has started picketing veterinarians and Italian restaurants demanding answers while wearing T-shirts that provide the answer, saying that members of a group called the Chihuahua World Order did it. CFT is selling books and DVDs about a world-wide Chihuahuaist conspiracy like crazy. CFRers don't understand the contradiction between "asking questions" and the T-shirts they wear. Veterinarians and waiters appear befuddled when they are confronted with in-your-face questions and and video cameras while they are treating animals or serving food. The phrase "Don't inject me, Bro'" enters the popular culture.
With the mantra of "just asking the same question, over and over", CFTers try to assert their claims without waiting to hear the responses of the people they talk to unless the response is somehow insulting to Chihuahuas.
CFT and it's members refuses to acknowledge existence of the pictures of cat footprints stained with spaghetti sauce on the table, the floor, and on the cat's feet and evidence like the DNA record. The CFT claims the photographs couldn't exist because "cats clean themselves too quickly" and that photographs showing sauce on feet are fake.
CFT hasn't tried to show in theory or practice how chihuahuas got past the guard dogs in the yard. CHTers claim that on the day SI happened, the dogs were at the veterinarians and that this is evidence that the veterinarians are part of the conspiracy. The
9 Lives Commission found the postman that delivered that mail. He showed a bill from his doctor that proved that those dogs, in fact, had returned from the Vet on the prior day.
The CFT literature never mentions the cat pictures from the SI report or the fact that the table had a wobbly leg or the DNA. Most CFTers are unaware that these facts exist. In CFT literature, where quotes of the SI report are pasted in, the text about the wobbly table is replaced by ellipses. No CFT member has ever been known to read any footnote from the original source. CFTers are found not to know what an ellipses is or to realize it when they've seen one.
A huge amount of CFT literature is produced by members. They make claims for every animal, real or imaginary, other than cats. No CFT member will tell another CFT member that some of these animals don't exist here, or ever existed, anywhere or don't eat spaghetti.
CFTers insist that the SI be recreated but can't explain what that will prove. Others suspect that the CFTers are just looking for a free lunch.
There are two groups that even the CFT mainstream laughs at. One is the "no-plate"ers and nobody is quite sure what they say. The other group believes that a microwave oven was used to levitate the spaghetti in the air and make most of it evaporate. This is found to be silly because the microwave oven was in the kitchen, not on the dining room table. Who might have operated the oven is not stated.
CFT does have a few retired waiters as members and CFTers claim the expertise gives their claims credibility. One of the waiters was fired from Burgers-4-YoU, for a history of insisting that Cold-cooked Food could be prepared even when the all the world-renowned cooks told him that nobody knew how. When he tried it, himself, the result was never very cold. None of the CFT waiters say anything relevant about cats and gravity. None of the people involved with the SI Report or cleanup have joined the CFT.
CFT has a member that was a dishwasher from the Famous Waiters School. He says that chihuahuas must have done it even though he's never seen a spilled plate of spaghetti or knows any chihuahuas. He blames them for the accident in his last shift in a commercial kitchen when the facial hair of several of the staff was burned off. The dishwasher is acknowledged to have heroically saved the roast beef during the accident.
CFTers welcome all conspiracies. When the fictional "House-Training Papers of Elders of Chihuahua" are mentioned (and they frequently are) nobody speaks up to point out that they are fictional and that they play on stereotypes about how hard some breeds are to housebreak. When a CFT member says that
"the Culinary Institute of Armenia has been proven to be responsible for the assassination of President Charles B. Arthur", no other CFTer points out any factual error. People that try to list all the errors in that claim give up when they get a headache. The person making the claim has long-since made another, unrelated claim, anyway. No CFTer seems to have access to an encyclopedia or even use Google unless "Chihuahuas" is part of the search.
CFTers complain that the video of the mess that was seen by millions, over and over on TV's
Favorite Cat Tricks is no longer shown and they claim that this proves something. Others claim that the video was fake. Nobody has been able to reconcile the two contradictory positions. Others point out that it isn't shown simply because FCT is no longer in syndication. CFTers ask, "What is "contradiction"?"
One prominent member of CFT claims that sheep did it. He makes this assertion in long presentations in front of any group that doesn't know anything about cats or sheep and will buy him lunch. He cites his expertise as a cook even though he was actually only a waiter and was fired from Burgers-4-YoU. His evidence is that he has sauce said to be from SI, given to him by someone well after the use-by date. He claims that it contains wool fibers and that this proves the cat didn't do it. He won't take notice of the possibility that the room the sample was found in had wool carpets. He also hasn't asked if the location of the SI had wool carpets. The waiter refuses to publish the recipe of his sample so it can be compared to other sauces. CFTers reveal their ignorance of the fact that some carpets are made of wool and reject all assertions of that fact as CWO propaganda.
Critics of the SI report claim that alternative theories been been published and subject to something they call "paw review", always said with great reverence. When specifics of names and credentials and details of the review process are asked for, the critic quickly feigns hearing aid battery failure or changes the topic. For reasons unexplained, these theories are published in only one or two places that most specialists have never heard of. Proponents of these theories seem to appear only where lunch is served.
No other theory has evolved that is constant with the evidence and that doesn't add lots of complications such as where did the dogs come from. CFTers refuse to address these points.
When asked, chihuahua owners point out that lots of evidence that exists for the cat theory even though they don't have the citations at hand. They point out that dogs don't like spaghetti, that there were no chihuahuas in the area, and that no chihuahua DNA has been found and that the cat owner is allergic to dogs. CFT continues to ignore any facts made by the dog owners and accuse them of being part of the CWO. CFTers dismiss quotes from chihuahua owners with the question, "Did you ask all the chihuahuas?" Nobody is sure what that has to do with the evidence that shows the cat could and did do it.
The owner of the cat and the hamster also has a parrot. The parrot has been heard saying "the hamster did it". CFTers cite the parrot to claim the cat is innocent, The parrot also says "I did it" even though he has never been let out of his cage and the cage is in another room. The parrot has never made it clear what "it" is.
It hasn't occurred to any of the CFTers to ask the owner if the parrot said anything before the SI incident or what the parrot means by "it". The SI Report did and finds out that the owner trained the parrot to say these things as a joke, many years earlier. The parrot is found to have a poor understanding of pronouns. CFTers think, "what's a pronoun?" but say nothing.
The pet owner was on the phone to a friend when SI happened. When the friend was asked under oath by the chairman of the
9 Lives Commission about the phone call, the friend said "...I didn't hear a plate crash...". CFTers use this as proof that SI never happened, or that paper plates were used, or something. The SI Report interviewed the friend and found he was hearing impaired and that the phone call was via a "braille relay service". [3] CFTers say that there is no such thing as a braille relay service because they've never heard of it, or it didn't exist then or something and therefor SI couldn't have happened. Attempts to explain to CFTers how the relay service works have been futile.
The existence of the parrot is not mentioned in the SI report for reasons that should be obvious. CFTers use this as proof of something that they can't quite explain to non-CFTers about the SI report being like, totally bogus, man.
The parrot's testimony is fully documented in the report from the
9 Lives Commission.
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- 1. It didn't occur to anyone to see if the hamster would eat spaghetti sauce since even if it did, it wouldn't explain the plate on the floor, how it got on the table, the footprints or the DNA, or many other facts that implicate the cat. CFT claims that someone should do such a test but CFT hasn't bothered to do it, themselves. There is a segment of CFT that claims, with no evidence, that a hamster could push a plate of spaghetti. Questions as to why a hamster would want to go unanswered.
- 2. American Society of Pottery Engineers, the relevant standards setting body for dinnerware and unrelated to Underwater Labs, which only sets standards for things that can catch fire. UW is very touchy about this and will defend itself in court if necessary.
- 3. http://www.nyrelay.com/, for example.
Copyright Al Dykes 2008
