Brown
Penultimate Amazing
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2001
- Messages
- 12,984
(Warning: The following scenes are based upon the 9/11 Commission report. Certain events and characters have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.)
(Second warning: The following is satire, for those of you slow on the uptake.)
*****
Scene: The White House, December 4, 1998
(President Bill Clinton sits at his desk in the Oval Office, holding a document in his hand. A door to the Oval Office opens, and Richard Clarke enters.)
President Clinton: Have you seen this PDB?
Clarke: Yes, sir.
President Clinton (reading): "Bin Ladin Preparing to Hijack US Aircraft and Other Attacks." It says that UBL has been having his people prepare for aircraft hijackings, and that he is planning to attack on United States soil. For all we know, they might hit us in New York or Washington within the next month! Dick, I want to you to convene a meeting of the Counterterrorism Security Group. Today! Not tomorrow, not next week, today!! Get the word out. We've got to increase our alertness, boost security, and make federal and state law enforcement officials aware of the threat. It might turn out to be nothing, but we can't take that chance!
Clarke: I'll get right on it!
*****
Scene: Crawford Texas, August 6, 2001
(President George W. Bush sits in his rec room in casual clothes, pulling on his boots. A door opens, and an intelligence briefer enters, carrying a document.)
Briefer: Sir, here's your Presidential Daily Briefing.
President Bush: What is this crap?
Briefer: Sir, it's your PDB. It says "Bin Ladin Determined to Strike in US."
President Bush: I can read, you know. (Glances at the document, then tosses it back to the briefer.) Same old s***. Bin Ladin this, Bin Ladin that. I've had at least 35 PDB's this year about the guy. I already know that he hates us.
Briefer: Sir, this PDB indicates terrorist strike on U.S. soil, following the example of the World Trade Center Bombers! It also says that the FBI reports activity consistent with aircraft hijacking!
President Bush: That's old news. Like I said, he hates us. Yadda, yadda, yadda. The FBI is looking into this, aren't they?
Briefer: Yes, sir.
President Bush: So it's being handled, then.
(President Bush breaks wind, then chuckles.)
Briefer: Sir, do you wish to increase alerts? Or convene a meeting of the FBI, or the NSC or the Justice Department? Or perhaps set up a meeting with your top advisers about a potential attack. We don't have to set up the meeting right away; maybe we can set it up within the next month or so...?
President Bush: What the hell for? None of my advisers have ever told me that there's any terrorist cells in this country, and if there were, they'd be taken care of. Look, this memo is simply in response to my requests for information about whether there are any terrorist attacks directed against this country. This PDB isn't a warning. It's ... I guess you'd say it's a "historical" document, telling me the history. And like I said, there's nothing new here. They hate us. I know that. Duh.
Briefer: But sir, you didn't even read all of it, and ....
President Bush: I said, it's being handled!!
Briefer: Sir, may I remind you that we've received considerable buzz about a pending major attack...?
President Bush: For cryin' out loud, what part of "I'm on vacation" don't you understand??
(President Bush breaks wind again. The briefer exits.)
President Bush (exhales, then turns to an aide): We still on for golf tomorrow?
*****
Scene: Washington DC, September 10, 2001
(Attorney General John Ashcroft sits at his desk in his office. Acting FBI Director Thomas Pickard enters.)
Pickard: John, why did you turn down my request for funding to meet terrorist threats?
Ashcroft: Because you asked for an additional $58 million to combat terrorism. You don't need that kind of money.
Pickard: Yes, we DO need it: for new analysts, field agents and translators, among other things.
Ashcroft (rising): Look, Tom. I told you last month that I am sick and tired of hearing about terrorist threats. And I told you that I didn't want you to mention them to me any more, didn't I?
Pickard: Yes, you did. You told me that TWICE. But whether you want to hear about it or not, John, there is a mounting threat of a terrorist attack, and YOU are the chief law enforcement officer in the country! For the love of God, John, you haven't asked the FBI what it's doing....
Ashcroft: I'm assuming they're doing what they need to do!
Pickard: But you haven't followed up, and you haven't mobilized the Justice Department, particularly the INS!
Ashcroft: All I have to say is: Your request for a budget increase is denied. Now, get the hell out!
(Pickard exits. An aide enters with a document and hands it to Ashcroft.)
Ashcroft: What's this?
Aide: It's a summary of your budget increases that you're submitting to the president. I just saw Acting Director Pickard leaving. Did he want you to change your recommendations?
Ashcroft: Yes. He wanted more money to fight terrorism. But he just doesn't get it. Fighting terrorism at home is simply not a priority. And he's angry because not one dime of my proposed budget increases are to combat terrorism.
*****
Scene: Sarasota Florida, September 11, 2001
(President Bush is sitting in a classroom full of small children, holding a book. The president is enjoying the experience of having youngsters showing their reading ability. Standing several feet away are Chief of Staff Andrew Card, several aides and Secret Service agents. Also present are several print and televsion reporters. Card's cell phone rings.)
Card (Answering cell phone.): Andrew Card. (Pause.) When? (Pause.) You're sure BOTH of them were commercial airliners? (Pause.) We were told that the first plane was hit by a twin-engine, not a commercial jet. (Pause.) All right, I'll tell the President.
(Card walks to President Bush. As Card approaches the President, he notices that several members of the media are receiving cell phone calls, and many of them look shocked.)
Card (Leaning down to whisper to the President): A second plane hit the second tower. America is under attack.
(Card walks away from President Bush. President Bush sucks in his cheeks and tries desperately to contain his expression of terror, but fails.)
CUT TO: Reporter 1 (Whispering to Reporter 2): Did you hear about the second tower?
Reporter 2 (Whispering, starting to weep): Yeah. Should we tell the President?
Reporter 1 (Whispering): I think Andrew Card just did.
Reporter 2 (Whispering): Are you sure? The President is just SITTING there! Shouldn't the Secret Service be rushing him to safety?
Reporter 1 (Whispering): Look at the expression on his face! He looks like he might have peed in his pants! Of course Andrew Card must have told him!
Reporter 2 (Whispering): But why is he just sitting there?? This is obviously an attack on America, and he's the Commander-In-Chief! Shouldn't he be taking immediate action??
CUT TO: Aide(to Card): Did you tell him?
Card: Yes, I told him.
Aide: Isn't he going to excuse himself and come to the holding room to be briefed?
Card: I think so. Any second now. (Long pause.) Aaaany second now. (Another long pause.) Any second now.
Aide: Cripes, why does he have to look so SCARED?? Sir, maybe you better have the Secret Service go and get him!
Card: No! There are children here, along with dozens of reporters. That will create a panic. He'll get up and come over here any second now. (Another long pause.) Any second now.
Aide: Just wave him over, sir! Or go get him!
Card: But the media are all looking!
CUT TO: Reporter 1 (Whispering): I can't believe this. (Checking watch.) He's been sitting there for at least three minutes.
Reporter 2 (Whispering): He's pretending to read that damned kiddie book!
Reporter 3 (Whispering to others): What the f*** is the matter with him?? This is a f***ing national emergency!! If this is part of a nuclear strike, we'd have only got a few minutes to respond, and he's been sitting on his ass for, what, four minutes now!
Reporter 1 (Whispering): This is unbelievable.
CUT TO: Card (to Secret Service Agent): So we're secure here?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, sir. The building is secure. We also know that Air Force One is secure. We need to move the president out of here soon.
Card: Is it imperative that he be moved immediately?
Secret Service Agent: We should move the president soon, sir.
Card: Is it IMPERATIVE that he be moved immediately?
Secret Service Agent (After a pause): No, sir.
Card: Then when he excuses himself and comes over here, we'll make a brief statement, then calmly leave. CALMLY, understand?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, sir.
Card: The president will probably excuse himself any second now. (Long pause.) Aaaany second now.
(Second warning: The following is satire, for those of you slow on the uptake.)
*****
Scene: The White House, December 4, 1998
(President Bill Clinton sits at his desk in the Oval Office, holding a document in his hand. A door to the Oval Office opens, and Richard Clarke enters.)
President Clinton: Have you seen this PDB?
Clarke: Yes, sir.
President Clinton (reading): "Bin Ladin Preparing to Hijack US Aircraft and Other Attacks." It says that UBL has been having his people prepare for aircraft hijackings, and that he is planning to attack on United States soil. For all we know, they might hit us in New York or Washington within the next month! Dick, I want to you to convene a meeting of the Counterterrorism Security Group. Today! Not tomorrow, not next week, today!! Get the word out. We've got to increase our alertness, boost security, and make federal and state law enforcement officials aware of the threat. It might turn out to be nothing, but we can't take that chance!
Clarke: I'll get right on it!
*****
Scene: Crawford Texas, August 6, 2001
(President George W. Bush sits in his rec room in casual clothes, pulling on his boots. A door opens, and an intelligence briefer enters, carrying a document.)
Briefer: Sir, here's your Presidential Daily Briefing.
President Bush: What is this crap?
Briefer: Sir, it's your PDB. It says "Bin Ladin Determined to Strike in US."
President Bush: I can read, you know. (Glances at the document, then tosses it back to the briefer.) Same old s***. Bin Ladin this, Bin Ladin that. I've had at least 35 PDB's this year about the guy. I already know that he hates us.
Briefer: Sir, this PDB indicates terrorist strike on U.S. soil, following the example of the World Trade Center Bombers! It also says that the FBI reports activity consistent with aircraft hijacking!
President Bush: That's old news. Like I said, he hates us. Yadda, yadda, yadda. The FBI is looking into this, aren't they?
Briefer: Yes, sir.
President Bush: So it's being handled, then.
(President Bush breaks wind, then chuckles.)
Briefer: Sir, do you wish to increase alerts? Or convene a meeting of the FBI, or the NSC or the Justice Department? Or perhaps set up a meeting with your top advisers about a potential attack. We don't have to set up the meeting right away; maybe we can set it up within the next month or so...?
President Bush: What the hell for? None of my advisers have ever told me that there's any terrorist cells in this country, and if there were, they'd be taken care of. Look, this memo is simply in response to my requests for information about whether there are any terrorist attacks directed against this country. This PDB isn't a warning. It's ... I guess you'd say it's a "historical" document, telling me the history. And like I said, there's nothing new here. They hate us. I know that. Duh.
Briefer: But sir, you didn't even read all of it, and ....
President Bush: I said, it's being handled!!
Briefer: Sir, may I remind you that we've received considerable buzz about a pending major attack...?
President Bush: For cryin' out loud, what part of "I'm on vacation" don't you understand??
(President Bush breaks wind again. The briefer exits.)
President Bush (exhales, then turns to an aide): We still on for golf tomorrow?
*****
Scene: Washington DC, September 10, 2001
(Attorney General John Ashcroft sits at his desk in his office. Acting FBI Director Thomas Pickard enters.)
Pickard: John, why did you turn down my request for funding to meet terrorist threats?
Ashcroft: Because you asked for an additional $58 million to combat terrorism. You don't need that kind of money.
Pickard: Yes, we DO need it: for new analysts, field agents and translators, among other things.
Ashcroft (rising): Look, Tom. I told you last month that I am sick and tired of hearing about terrorist threats. And I told you that I didn't want you to mention them to me any more, didn't I?
Pickard: Yes, you did. You told me that TWICE. But whether you want to hear about it or not, John, there is a mounting threat of a terrorist attack, and YOU are the chief law enforcement officer in the country! For the love of God, John, you haven't asked the FBI what it's doing....
Ashcroft: I'm assuming they're doing what they need to do!
Pickard: But you haven't followed up, and you haven't mobilized the Justice Department, particularly the INS!
Ashcroft: All I have to say is: Your request for a budget increase is denied. Now, get the hell out!
(Pickard exits. An aide enters with a document and hands it to Ashcroft.)
Ashcroft: What's this?
Aide: It's a summary of your budget increases that you're submitting to the president. I just saw Acting Director Pickard leaving. Did he want you to change your recommendations?
Ashcroft: Yes. He wanted more money to fight terrorism. But he just doesn't get it. Fighting terrorism at home is simply not a priority. And he's angry because not one dime of my proposed budget increases are to combat terrorism.
*****
Scene: Sarasota Florida, September 11, 2001
(President Bush is sitting in a classroom full of small children, holding a book. The president is enjoying the experience of having youngsters showing their reading ability. Standing several feet away are Chief of Staff Andrew Card, several aides and Secret Service agents. Also present are several print and televsion reporters. Card's cell phone rings.)
Card (Answering cell phone.): Andrew Card. (Pause.) When? (Pause.) You're sure BOTH of them were commercial airliners? (Pause.) We were told that the first plane was hit by a twin-engine, not a commercial jet. (Pause.) All right, I'll tell the President.
(Card walks to President Bush. As Card approaches the President, he notices that several members of the media are receiving cell phone calls, and many of them look shocked.)
Card (Leaning down to whisper to the President): A second plane hit the second tower. America is under attack.
(Card walks away from President Bush. President Bush sucks in his cheeks and tries desperately to contain his expression of terror, but fails.)
CUT TO: Reporter 1 (Whispering to Reporter 2): Did you hear about the second tower?
Reporter 2 (Whispering, starting to weep): Yeah. Should we tell the President?
Reporter 1 (Whispering): I think Andrew Card just did.
Reporter 2 (Whispering): Are you sure? The President is just SITTING there! Shouldn't the Secret Service be rushing him to safety?
Reporter 1 (Whispering): Look at the expression on his face! He looks like he might have peed in his pants! Of course Andrew Card must have told him!
Reporter 2 (Whispering): But why is he just sitting there?? This is obviously an attack on America, and he's the Commander-In-Chief! Shouldn't he be taking immediate action??
CUT TO: Aide(to Card): Did you tell him?
Card: Yes, I told him.
Aide: Isn't he going to excuse himself and come to the holding room to be briefed?
Card: I think so. Any second now. (Long pause.) Aaaany second now. (Another long pause.) Any second now.
Aide: Cripes, why does he have to look so SCARED?? Sir, maybe you better have the Secret Service go and get him!
Card: No! There are children here, along with dozens of reporters. That will create a panic. He'll get up and come over here any second now. (Another long pause.) Any second now.
Aide: Just wave him over, sir! Or go get him!
Card: But the media are all looking!
CUT TO: Reporter 1 (Whispering): I can't believe this. (Checking watch.) He's been sitting there for at least three minutes.
Reporter 2 (Whispering): He's pretending to read that damned kiddie book!
Reporter 3 (Whispering to others): What the f*** is the matter with him?? This is a f***ing national emergency!! If this is part of a nuclear strike, we'd have only got a few minutes to respond, and he's been sitting on his ass for, what, four minutes now!
Reporter 1 (Whispering): This is unbelievable.
CUT TO: Card (to Secret Service Agent): So we're secure here?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, sir. The building is secure. We also know that Air Force One is secure. We need to move the president out of here soon.
Card: Is it imperative that he be moved immediately?
Secret Service Agent: We should move the president soon, sir.
Card: Is it IMPERATIVE that he be moved immediately?
Secret Service Agent (After a pause): No, sir.
Card: Then when he excuses himself and comes over here, we'll make a brief statement, then calmly leave. CALMLY, understand?
Secret Service Agent: Yes, sir.
Card: The president will probably excuse himself any second now. (Long pause.) Aaaany second now.
