So I say again, if you want me (and others) to seriously consider your own point of view, statements such as (yours above) in this discussion imply that you do not care about my, or others personal situations, and do not work to advance understanding.
This is why I suggested that you are "resisting".
Your personal situation, your contacts, your circles, don't exist in a vacuum. You are part of a society. You can either try to make society better and kinder for everyone, or you can retreat into your little bubble and say "◊◊◊◊ you I've got mine".
When you go to the store, you are impacting someone. When you pick your kids up from school, you are impacting someone. Every time you walk down the street, you are impacting someone. When you get in a plumber to fix that leaky pipe, you are impacting someone. And when you are posting on the internet, you are impacting someone.
It costs no effort to be kind.
And that is the meat of it for a lot of us. This person was clocking as male to you, so you used the correct pronoun English speakers use for a male- he. Upon realizing it may not be the preferred pronoun, you checked. So ok, done and done. That's what I was asking you about. Is it cool to use the correct pronoun till you are told of a preference otherwise (no, not everyone agrees with your assertion of what is correct, and you are causing needless confusion since the very topic is 'which is correct?').
No, it's not cool. I was realising that I might have been making a mistake and misgendering him, so I took steps to correct myself.
I agree with your handling of a person who could go either way. That was the cool and respectful thing to do. But for the vast majority, the clocking suffices, and it feels very much like a comedy routine to pretend you have no idea what a typical presenting guy or gal would prefer to be called. In my neck of the woods, it would be taken as an insult to ask a guy if he was a man or woman, kind of like obliquely saying that he don't look like no man to you.
And I'm pretty sure that's the problem. I want to be inclusive, but I don't expect everyday interactions to be phony to reinforce it. If a man, woman, transwoman, or platypus-kin furry was to see yours truly, I don't think anyone would have anything that needed to get cleared up about my gender. Pretending so, even with the best of inclusive intentions, is insulting to all parties, especially the transperson.
Indeed, 99% of the time there is very little reason not to assume the default. But the 1% of the time when there is, it's very important. Better to be safe and make sure. I recently removed it from my sig but one of my favourite YouTubers Ginny Di once said "If it's easy to avoid potential harm, I would rather do it unnecessarily than risk hurting someone." I try to live my life by that philosophy.
...My only caveat is that, IMO, the person for whom it is an issue should be the one taking the lead in such situations and not expect others to be the first to ask.
I just recalled that in a pharmacy that I frequent every employee has their gender identity written on their name tag. That certainly simplifies thing in that particular situation.
Exactly. Like I said, those of my acquaintance who are at most risk of being misgendered always proactively share their pronouns up front. All you have to do is listen to them.
As I am thinking this thing through I am realizing that the pronoun issue as it relates to casual encounters in my life is really no different than any other aspect of people I encounter. I am not a "people person". I an very much a loner and have very little interest in other people. I am superficially pleasant to people because it smooths over such encounters. I am not a "chatty" person and quickly get bored with casual and aimless conversations.
Me too. Very much me too. The difference is that I do happen to have some people in my life who are transgender and nonbinary, and I want to make life for them as easy as I can.
I do not tell people my own personal issues. It is none of their business.
You tell people your name, presumably, when you have to have dealings with them. It's as easy to remember someone's pronouns as it is to remember their name. And if you forget both because you never see them again, that's fine.
Yes, and in my post above I think in reflection I would stick with "prefer" bacause "correct" invites disagreement and definition, the very thing that seems so often to get in the way of simple courtesy. You can say I shouldn't prefer something but you can't say I don't.
There are certainly situations where "prefer" is fine. Language is flexible. But if someone says "my pronouns are they/them" they're not stating a preference, they are stating a fact. That's all I'm saying.
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