New Poem from me...opinions?

[The Sparrow]

Too obvious, too obscure?



August Sunday Afternoon

Just touches of yellow
and the odd crumble to powder underfoot

and across the table
hair with equal touches of white

Lines etched in her face
drawn out from concentration on an object
and the paper beneath her hands

or cut in
from the petty relentless tortures of her imperfect mind

but soon the quiet will come
in its shroud of white

-The Sparrow

 

[MinnesotaBrant]

Its a death poem, are you a teener by any chance? let me go look at your profile. Nope your 50. So what is it about death that is making you think about it enough to write a poem about it? Is it possibly because you live in Canada? As far as death themes go, I am not sure winter themes are the best ones to use to depict death. My 4 year old loves winter best though I don't know why. Maybe it because she prefers to stay home and watch tv rather than to go out and play. She does however love to play in the snow.

 

[The Sparrow]

Its a death poem

hmm, my intent was more about aging, but I am interested in honest impressions, so ok.

, are you a teener by any chance?

Ouch! I'll try not to take that as an insult

let me go look at your profile. Nope your 50. So what is it about death that is making you think about it enough to write a poem about it?

Well, more about aging actually.

Is it possibly because you live in Canada?

Not sure why living in Canada makes one think about death more?

As far as death themes go, I am not sure winter themes are the best ones to use to depict death.

ok

My 4 year old loves winter best though I don't know why. Maybe it because she prefers to stay home and watch tv rather than to go out and play. She does however love to play in the snow.

I love winter!

 

[MinnesotaBrant]

dup

 

[MinnesotaBrant]

Hi,

Well you had a lot of wrinkles in your poem. The reason I said death was the, to me, snow referenced ending. That brought up both the Canada (because they have a lot of snow,) and the death thing, because there were a lot of wrinkles then they died. The part of title "August" was interesting because it didn't have anything readily apparent to do with the poem. "Autumn" might be a better replacement.

Also, the recently did a study and there was an article about it about how everything goes downhill after the age in 30 in all areas except happiness. Apparently, according to the study we start feeling happier, and happier, right up to the very end.

So how about writing a poem about happiness and aging?

 

[The Sparrow]

Hi,

Well you had a lot of wrinkles in your poem. The reason I said death was the, to me, snow referenced ending. That brought up both the Canada (because they have a lot of snow,) and the death thing, because there were a lot of wrinkles then they died. The part of title "August" was interesting because it didn't have anything readily apparent to do with the poem. "Autumn" might be a better replacement.

I thought 'Autumn' would be overly obvious. August suggested a past mid-point in the year. Chronologically it roughly proportions to our (me and my wife - who is the subject of the poem) age and point in life.

 

[MinnesotaBrant]

Yeah they do refer to the age of 50 as being mid-life. I am pretty sure that, at least for men, average life expectancy is still in the mid 70's with woman being something like 10 years later than that so a bit optimistic. I do see your angle though

 

[Jawaka]

Well written, strong imagery. I do have one suggestion though, something someone showed me once which I think improved my poetry dramatically, and it was such a simple thing:

Try to get rid of as many and's, or's, but's and similar words. Even ones that you think you need there you often don't. Lines don't necessarily have to connect the same way sentences or phrases do in prose or fiction.

If you truly feel you need to keep those words around for the poem to make sense, often using a comma, dash, colon, semi-colon, etc. can have the same effect as the 'filler' word without having the word itself break up the flow of the poem.

I'm not saying to never use these words, that it's always wrong to use them, just that using as few as possible usually has a positive effect on the poem.

To take an example from the opening lines of your poem:
It sounds better to the (my) ear if you remove the 'and' from the second line (and the odd crumble to powder underfoot). I'd even consider removing the 'the' from that line too.

Again, the 'and' that begins the third line, if removed, will sound much nicer to the ear.

All the other words, like I said, convey fine images and it is very well written.

Hope this was in any way helpful.

 

[calebprime]

I like it without the first two occurences of and, but maybe leave the 3rd one in, see how ya feel, pal?


touch of yellow
the odd crumble to powder underfoot

across the table
hair with equal touches of white

Lines etched in her face
drawn out from concentration on an object
and the paper in her hands

or cut in
from the torture of her relentless mind

but soon the quiet will come
in its shroud of white

 

[Donn]

I noticed the "lines etched in" as much weaker than the other metaphors; less original. The rest is rather good.

 

[Belgian thought]

Too obvious, too obscure?



August Sunday Afternoon

Just touches of yellow
and the odd crumble to powder underfoot

and across the table
hair with equal touches of white

Lines etched in her face
drawn out from concentration on an object
and the paper beneath her hands

or cut in
from the petty relentless tortures of her imperfect mind

but soon the quiet will come
in its shroud of white

-The Sparrow

I like it


Here is one of mine on a similar subject written from someone older than 50



A cane
A stick
A man
Gone

A cane
A stick
A man
Over

A cane
A stick
An ego
Past

A cane
A stick
A future
Lost


And one of my favourites by Thomas Hood

I Remember, I remember


I remember, I remember
The house where I was born
The little window where the sun
Came peeping in at morn.
He never came a wink too soon,
Nor brought too long a day;
But now I often with the night
Had borne my breath away!

I remember, I remember
The roses, red and white,
The violets, and the lily-cups. –
Those flowers made of light!
The lilac’s where the robin built,
And where my brother set
The laburnum on his birthday, --
The tree is living yet!

I remember, I remember
Where I was used to swing,
And thought the air must rush as fresh
To swallow on the wing;
My spirit flew in feathers then,
That is so heavy now,
And summer pools could hardly cool
The fever on my brow!

I remember, I remember
The fir-trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky.
It was a childish ignorance
But now ‘tis little joy
To know I’m farther off from heaven
Than when I was a boy.

 

[Resume]

Too obvious, too obscure?



August Sunday Afternoon

Just touches of yellow
and the odd crumble to powder underfoot

and across the table
hair with equal touches of white

Lines etched in her face
drawn out from concentration on an object
and the paper beneath her hands

or cut in
from the petty relentless tortures of her imperfect mind

but soon the quiet will come
in its shroud of white

-The Sparrow

I like it without the first two occurences of and, but maybe leave the 3rd one in, see how ya feel, pal?


touch of yellow
the odd crumble to powder underfoot

across the table
hair with equal touches of white

Lines etched in her face
drawn out from concentration on an object
and the paper in her hands

or cut in
from the torture of her relentless mind

but soon the quiet will come
in its shroud of white

Yellow-touched
an odd crumble to powder underfoot
Across the table hair
with equal touches of white

A face etched, lined with concentration
drawn from an object
and the paper in her hands
or cut in
from a tortured, relentless mind

That knows a quiet will come soon
in a shroud of white.

 

[Jawaka]

That knows a quiet will come soon
in a shroud of white.

I'd go a step further here:

Personally, I like:

Quiet will come soon
in a shroud of white


I like the ominous feeling it conveys, especially as the closing lines.

 

[The Sparrow]

Yeah they do refer to the age of 50 as being mid-life. I am pretty sure that, at least for men, average life expectancy is still in the mid 70's with woman being something like 10 years later than that so a bit optimistic. I do see your angle though

fair nuff

 

[The Sparrow]

Well written, strong imagery. I do have one suggestion though, something someone showed me once which I think improved my poetry dramatically, and it was such a simple thing:

Try to get rid of as many and's, or's, but's and similar words. Even ones that you think you need there you often don't. Lines don't necessarily have to connect the same way sentences or phrases do in prose or fiction.

If you truly feel you need to keep those words around for the poem to make sense, often using a comma, dash, colon, semi-colon, etc. can have the same effect as the 'filler' word without having the word itself break up the flow of the poem.

I'm not saying to never use these words, that it's always wrong to use them, just that using as few as possible usually has a positive effect on the poem.

To take an example from the opening lines of your poem:
It sounds better to the (my) ear if you remove the 'and' from the second line (and the odd crumble to powder underfoot). I'd even consider removing the 'the' from that line too.

Again, the 'and' that begins the third line, if removed, will sound much nicer to the ear.

All the other words, like I said, convey fine images and it is very well written.

Hope this was in any way helpful.

sir I shall consider it!

It's fascinating though. To my ear, when you remove the articles like that, it strays dangerously close to trying to sound 'too poetic', if you get my drift.
That's to my ears anyway, others may differ and that's cool.

 

[The Sparrow]

I noticed the "lines etched in" as much weaker than the other metaphors; less original. The rest is rather good.

cool, thanks.

 

[The Sparrow]

Thanks all for the constructive feedback.

 

[Donn]

I Remember, I remember…

Pretty great, thanks for sharing.

 

[Jawaka]

I'd go a step further here:

Personally, I like:

Quiet will come soon
in a shroud of white


I like the ominous feeling it conveys, especially as the closing lines.

Looking and thinking about this, I think something more akin to:

Quiet approaches
in a shroud of white

works even better. Instead of a future event, it becomes a present, active event... while still signifying that Quiet is not actually here yet. Takes away three words that passively describe the future, for one word that actively describes the present. I'm sure there's a better active word choice than approaches but you get the idea.

 

[Jawaka]

sir I shall consider it!

It's fascinating though. To my ear, when you remove the articles like that, it strays dangerously close to trying to sound 'too poetic', if you get my drift.
That's to my ears anyway, others may differ and that's cool.

I get what you're saying. I think there's a balance somewhere to be sought after. While I don't usually like my poetry pretentious, I very much like dense and very often non-linear poetry. But there is indeed a line between those two sides... and not a very clearly defined one.