This is an interesting way of looking at the issue. Of course, some people can recognize that an intent to offend actually can be the subject of some people's posts. Of course, any calling out of that offense garners cries of Tone Police, or virtue-signalling, as though we should all just roll over and let those intent on causing offense continue without any pushback.
Well, the accusation of tone policing and virtue signaling IS an accusation that you are asking people to conform and not discuss (a sort of 'listen and believe'), so I find it ironic that you see the accusation as a request to conform as well.
I don't know if it's just because you can't see the discussion any other way, but it's actually
possible that someone may disagree with your worldview on the topic, and so so reasonably and rationally. The solution isn't to insist that they are wrong, or call them names or try to shame them into compliance or appeal to their emotions, but to actually discuss the issue dispassionately. None of what we say here will have much of an impact in the world, so there's no point in taking everything on a moral or value judgment level.
Take my describing the transgender 'condition' (for lack of a better term) as a genetic defect, and how it was interpreted as demeaning to transgender people. Even though it was a description of the genetic aspect of this topic
only, it was seen by many as being some sort of moral judgment against transgender people. This is despite a LOT of us having genetic defects of some sort without a value being attached to the description, and despite me being very much in favour of transgender rights. It gives the impression that I _must_ agree with every single detail, or risk being labeled as ideologically impure -- a "bigot". This seems to stem from the impression that any disagreement, even one based on fact, that could even remotely be interpreted as negative, in and of itself 'invalidates' the experience or even the existence of trans people. And invalidation is the cardinal sin of social justice.
Hence the tone policing and virtue signaling: no one wants to be labeled a bigot for not being ideologically pure enough, so one instead makes sure to label _others_ as bigots for same, presumably in an effort to show how not a bigot they are. At the very least, this is the impression that it makes.