OK, Beeps, you read the Sun, and focus on something other than Page 3? Are you feeling well?
And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.
Somehow, I don't see Dianetics catching up to the Bible in social impact. I'll bet the under on this one. Tom Cruise as "Christ" would work if his Dad is Xenu. Has that lineage been established? As I recall the Xenu deal, there is a possibility that Xenu's spirit could be the one in Tom Cruise, which might explain his behavior on Oprah's show.
Link.
Pope Benedict was unavailable for comment, but a high-ranking Vatican spokesman, speaking on condition of anonimity, said, "Given His Holiness's difficulties with
those #$%ing ragheads Islamist extremists, he has decided henceforth to limit his public statements to issues directly involving only the Mother Church."
Muslim leaders promounced a
fatwa ordering Cruise's death, proclaiming that "Scientology is a cancer, Islam is the answer!"
I expect that Sumner Redstone was unavailable for comment, having cancelled his company's life insurance policy on Cruise when they let Tom go.
The American Council of Rabbis issued a statement denying they had plans to have Cruise murdered. "We are no longer in the Messiah-killing business," the statement read. "Our plans for a Zionist takeover of the world do not require the death of a Hollywood moonbat. Besides, those #$%ing ragheads the Islamist extremists have already indicated they intend to do the job."
We seem to be missing Pontius Pilate. Governor . . . OK, I'll suggest the Governor of California, Ahnold, summon Tom in for a hearing. His wife's a Kennedy, which is close to American royalty, and is a Dem to Ahnold's Rep, which fits the "Pilate's Wife was a Christian/Jew sympathizer" idea.
We seem to need a virgin mother: could be tough.
With Katie Holmes as Mary Magdalene, a prostitute -- same as a Hollywood actress -- does that make John Travolta Peter, Simon, Judas, or James?
Where's Dan Brown when you really need him?
This was too cool to pass up,
a reader's comments to the Sun:
LongDistanceRunner said:
Tom Cruise may well be the Messiah.... But this is the test -- flog him to within an inch of his life and then hang him on a cross until his lungs collapse and he is very dead (pierce his lungs with a spear so we know his lungs have filled up with water - scientifically prove he is dead beyond a shadow of a doubt), then bury him in a cave sealed with a huge boulder cutting off the air supply, just in case, and armed guards to do away with any monkey business from his followers...
Then if he comes back from the dead, says he is the messiah, ascends on a cloud into heaven in front of 300 amazed people who then spread through the world and multiply to form a new religion that ultimately becomes the underpinning philosophy of the majority of the civilised world for centuries, well, give him the gold BluePeter messiah badge....
I want his garments. They'll sell for a small fortune on Ebay.
DR
