Dear Astrological brethren,
Irrespective of what skeptics and cynics have to say, astrology is a science. It’s an irrefutable fact that cosmic forces from the planets and stars (not to be confused with the Versace-clad pedestal-hoggers at the Oscars) influence life in many strange and wondrous ways. Cosmic energies, like snapshots of Saddam Hussein, are omnipresent and unavoidable.
Nevertheless, recent epidemics of rationality have caused the hitherto trusting masses to demand that ridiculous concept called ‘proof’. It has thus become vital for every astrologer to follow certain directives in order to preserve his honor (and clientele)
1. The creator created the human mind for the purpose of being duped. So first rid yourself of all guilt.
2. Vagueness is the secret – try not to pin yourself down to any particulars in time or space. Toss out authoritative-sounding statements like – “Due to the conjunction between Saturn and Mercury, you are likely to encounter bad luck at some point between August and December this year.†Remember, there’s not a single person who’s ever gone through a stretch of five months without at least tripping over his shoelaces.
3. If circumstances call for it, be specific. Never fear, Captain Prolific is here. You are bound to be remembered as ‘the guy who made one accurate prediction’ rather than ‘the guy who made ninety-nine blatantly off-the-mark ones’.
4. On being questioned about the scientific basis of astrology, immediately launch into a diatribe about how the tiny moon can cause penthouse-drowning tides in the ocean. Remind the inquirer that the human body is 70% water. What’s more - the brain is floating in Cerebrospinal FLUID! Q.E.D.
5. Capitalize on major events like the turn of the millennium and planetary alignments. Predict destruction, the apocalypse and tax explosions. When none of these come to pass and the client wonders how he still hasn’t shuffled off his mortal coil, look somber and answer gravely, “God has given us undeserving humans a second chance at life. Come to my office tomorrow and we’ll chalk out a horoscope to see what the auspicious future holds in store for you…â€
6. Variety is the spice of life. No two seers must be identical in their methodology and claims. That way, gullible clients (refer pt. 1) can always say, “So what if Pundit X was wrong? You should meet Pundit Y, my family astrologer. He accurately predicted when my Tabby would give birth to her five darling kittens…â€
7. Far-flung claims rarely fail. Public memory is short and it’s unlikely that the citizens of 2024 will recall your 2002 predictions about the outbreak of WW III. Meanwhile, you can continue to mint.
8. Zodiac forecasts for dailies are fruitful and simple. Write down 12 platitudes on slips of paper and shake them together in a hat. Presto! It’s random picking time.
9. The moment someone comes up to you with a proposal for a double blind controlled trial, quietly slip away. Later, spew garbage and lies.
10. And last but not the least – Crisis Management. If you ever run short of money (unlikely in as lucrative a profession as this), just rush to a nearby derby or casino. After all, you’re an astrologer – horses and roulette should be a cinch.
Irrespective of what skeptics and cynics have to say, astrology is a science. It’s an irrefutable fact that cosmic forces from the planets and stars (not to be confused with the Versace-clad pedestal-hoggers at the Oscars) influence life in many strange and wondrous ways. Cosmic energies, like snapshots of Saddam Hussein, are omnipresent and unavoidable.
Nevertheless, recent epidemics of rationality have caused the hitherto trusting masses to demand that ridiculous concept called ‘proof’. It has thus become vital for every astrologer to follow certain directives in order to preserve his honor (and clientele)
1. The creator created the human mind for the purpose of being duped. So first rid yourself of all guilt.
2. Vagueness is the secret – try not to pin yourself down to any particulars in time or space. Toss out authoritative-sounding statements like – “Due to the conjunction between Saturn and Mercury, you are likely to encounter bad luck at some point between August and December this year.†Remember, there’s not a single person who’s ever gone through a stretch of five months without at least tripping over his shoelaces.
3. If circumstances call for it, be specific. Never fear, Captain Prolific is here. You are bound to be remembered as ‘the guy who made one accurate prediction’ rather than ‘the guy who made ninety-nine blatantly off-the-mark ones’.
4. On being questioned about the scientific basis of astrology, immediately launch into a diatribe about how the tiny moon can cause penthouse-drowning tides in the ocean. Remind the inquirer that the human body is 70% water. What’s more - the brain is floating in Cerebrospinal FLUID! Q.E.D.
5. Capitalize on major events like the turn of the millennium and planetary alignments. Predict destruction, the apocalypse and tax explosions. When none of these come to pass and the client wonders how he still hasn’t shuffled off his mortal coil, look somber and answer gravely, “God has given us undeserving humans a second chance at life. Come to my office tomorrow and we’ll chalk out a horoscope to see what the auspicious future holds in store for you…â€
6. Variety is the spice of life. No two seers must be identical in their methodology and claims. That way, gullible clients (refer pt. 1) can always say, “So what if Pundit X was wrong? You should meet Pundit Y, my family astrologer. He accurately predicted when my Tabby would give birth to her five darling kittens…â€
7. Far-flung claims rarely fail. Public memory is short and it’s unlikely that the citizens of 2024 will recall your 2002 predictions about the outbreak of WW III. Meanwhile, you can continue to mint.
8. Zodiac forecasts for dailies are fruitful and simple. Write down 12 platitudes on slips of paper and shake them together in a hat. Presto! It’s random picking time.
9. The moment someone comes up to you with a proposal for a double blind controlled trial, quietly slip away. Later, spew garbage and lies.
10. And last but not the least – Crisis Management. If you ever run short of money (unlikely in as lucrative a profession as this), just rush to a nearby derby or casino. After all, you’re an astrologer – horses and roulette should be a cinch.