The "how wrong is my horoscope" thread

[Yahya Sulaiman]

I have noticed that not once, so far as I can remember, has my horoscope from my local newspaper (The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette) been correct. Not that this is unique to that paper, of course: horoscopes everywhere seem so consistently to be inaccurate that I wonder why people bother to believe in them. Maybe they have better luck than I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the way some horoscopes will be maddeningly vague. (I call this "Nostradamus syndrome", although according to The Skeptic's Dictionary the technical name for it is "the Barnum effect".) For example, here's my horoscope for today from a popular website (I'm an Aquarius):

You’re likely to have a vastly improved day today, thanks to Venus and Mercury. The planets suggest that you’ll learn something of importance today, or that someone could take you into their confidence, indicating that someone has a high regard for you!

Someone could take me into their confidence! Or not. The horoscope didn’t say that someone will, and so either way its author(s) won’t be proven wrong. They may as well tell me that I might or might not die today. Now, the horoscope said that I’m likely (one more out for them—likely things don’t always happen or else they’d be certain) to have a vastly improved day. Vastly improved from what? Will the day improve as it wears on? Will it be improved from yesterday? From the past week? This horoscope may as well be in Urdu for all that it's communicating.

And then there are some horoscopes that are so incomprehensible that I wonder if they're secretly meant as a practical joke. Take my current weekly horoscope:

Your physical vitality and psychological or spiritual goals are highly emphasized now and could well be in a weakened condition at one level or another, as if a support system you have relied on has been temporarily shut off. It's important to shore up weak foundations. This is not a propitious time for establishing new life directions. Close relationships are apt to be in a state of change now. A partner may have an agenda very different from yours, and this could lead to tensions between you. Or a relationship that means a lot to you could suddenly become distant, tenuous. A good time to resolve tensions and promote harmony in order to steer clear of alienation. At its core a past life chart reveals the language of our soul. Each individual soul has a unique signature. The traditional ascendant represents our persona in this life.

If you can decipher that, you deserve a medal.

But the horoscopes in my paper are always wrong, so I got the idea, "Why not post my horoscope every day and then show how wrong it was the next day?" Here was my horoscope from yesterday:

You're immune to the harshness of the world. You can soften the elements for those you love. Your friend needs acknowledgement and you're just the one to do it.

The first two statements are irrelevant personality descriptions and lack any sheerly definite meaning. Only the final sentence prophesies, and it was wrong. Nothing happened yesterday indicating that any friend of mine needed acknowledgement. Here's my paper's horoscope for today:

You're the can-do leader. While trying to motivate your team, you'll be competing with distractions--noise, daydreaming, hunger and tiredness. Keep it simple.

Time will tell on this one, but I would hardly call myself a "can-do leader", and so far as I know I don't have any team to speak of.

 

[Meffy]

Sounds like fun. From the New York Post (randomly picked from a Google search for horoscope):

Put your own needs first today and don't feel in the least bit guilty about it. Certain individuals may say you are selfish, and maybe you are, but you have done more than your share of the hard work of late and it is time you rewarded yourself, if only with a well-earned rest. Put your feet up and relax - let the world come to you for a change.

:-| :-} 8-D

Nothing but air! ... but no hoop. Zero points. I've been recovering from bursitis for a week. Before that, I was doing a lot of hard work. But that doesn't count, as inactivity has taken over the "of late" slot in my personal history. In general I am somewhat selfish. So? Who isn't? No score for "maybe you are." And letting the world come to me is anything but "a change." I telecommute.

We're tied, Yahya, zilch-zilch.

 

[J. Arthur Hastur]

I haven't even read my horoscope in years.

 

[tsg]

This one is so accurate it's scary:

"Gemini May 21 - June 21

Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date."

 

[Yahya Sulaiman]

The horoscopes at that site are nifty, tsg! Not that they're particularly liable to be accurate, but they're open about it--so specific. This one is especially noteworthy:

It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.

 

[tsg]

The horoscopes at that site are nifty, tsg!

You've not seen The Onion? If you like the horoscopes, you should read the news...

 

[Blackwell]

This one is so accurate it's scary:

"Gemini May 21 - June 21

Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date."

haha - I was just on my way over to the Onion to copy/paste that exact one. Unfortunately, it's wildly inaccurate! I haven't been on a date in years. Just ask my wife.

 

[gfunkusarelius]

okay, here is mine from astrology.yahoo.com

"You're feeling hot -- and you're looking mighty fine too. All eyes are on you even when you stroll through the supermarket. While opportunities are everywhere, you can't say yes to them all. Go for quality."

now these things are generally vague enough to have a"hit" somewhere, but, if anything, i have been realizing lately that i am getting older and working with younger people, i realize i am not gonna be the one drawing all the eyes, at least not cause i am so hot haha. totally wrong. and besides, i am married and not looking for "opportunities," and i am very happy with the "quality" wife i have.

 

[jj]

Well, I never look at them, to speak of, but I did notice the other day (it was next to the bridge column, which also had a mistake in it, missed a much more obvious defense) that my horrorscope said I'd have a "spiritual experience".

Regrettably I had neither a glass of port nor any other such transcendent experience on that day.

 

[luchog]

This one is so accurate it's scary:

"Gemini May 21 - June 21

Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date."

The Onion is the only horoscope worth reading.

 

[luchog]

okay, here is mine from astrology.yahoo.com

Here's mine for the day, same source:

"Things are starting to come together in a new relationship. Keep pushing the limits.

Pushing too hard could actually scare off what you're trying to cultivate. It's great that you know what you want, now it's time to nurture the certainty that it will manifest. Your sense of calm is key right now."

Well, lessee... I don't actually have any new relationships. None. No one new in my life at all, for at least the last 6 months; and no new relationships with any of the people that I've known at least that long. In fact, thanks to various circumstances, i'm having a hard time managing to keep in touch with my existing friends (***kers need to start returning phone calls, and stop working so much overtime, d****t).

 

[Meffy]

Chicago Tribune. The number is how easy today will be, 10 being easy and 0 being awful. "Today is a 7. Costs are higher than expected. Get somebody else to contribute. This won't be difficult. Ask somebody who shares your objectives."

It was a 9. I expected today's costs to be zero, and they were exactly that. I could ask y'all to contribute money in exchange for my writing you customized meffoscopes, but would like to think I'm above fortune-telling and other petty crimes -- no matter how non-difficult it might be. My objectives? Nobody shares my objectives. And suppose somone did, what should I ask? "Why do you share my objective of founding and becoming music director of the first ever All-Oceans Subaqueous Slide Whistle Orchestra? Why must you haunt my fondest dream?"

Another complete miss. Wasn't there some ESP researcher who claimed the ability to fail uniformly throughout a test run demonstrated a special kind of negative supernatural power? Because so far the astrologers are swinging at nothing.

 

[tsg]

"Gemini:

You will read a vague prediction that could apply to anyone and believe it was specifically tailored for you."

 

[mumchup]

You guys are doing it wrong. You're supposed to read them ALL, and then decide which sign you are for the day.

 

[rjh01]

Anyone who can read more than two works in the industry.

 

[c4ts]

You guys are doing it wrong. You're supposed to read them ALL, and then decide which sign you are for the day.

I thought you were supposed to cut them out, put them in a hat, and draw one.

 

[Rat]

Defying the old custom of "so general that it could apply to anyone", I noticed my horoscope (or someone else's, it was just next to the su doku) told me that I had burnt the dinner yesterday. In no way did it allow for it to be read metaphorically; it actually implied, indeed effectively stated, that 5 million people in Britain on that day burnt their dinner. I doubt that 5 million people actually cooked dinner.

Cheers,
Rat.

 

[c4ts]

Defying the old custom of "so general that it could apply to anyone", I noticed my horoscope (or someone else's, it was just next to the su doku) told me that I had burnt the dinner yesterday. In no way did it allow for it to be read metaphorically; it actually implied, indeed effectively stated, that 5 million people in Britain on that day burnt their dinner. I doubt that 5 million people actually cooked dinner.

Cheers,
Rat.

Lots of people burn dinners because they eat at home most of the time, and accidents are inevitable. It is a generic statement. If you say that someone burned dinner yesterday, on any day of the week, for anyone's horoscope, given the wide range of horoscope readers you are guaranteed at least one hit.

 

[Nihilanth]

Hey hey, this sounds cool! Let's give horoscope.com a whirl! I am a cancer, which means, from what I can figure out, that I'm an incredible wuss.

" Money is looking positively fantastic today, thanks to Mars and Saturn. The fiery aspects will lend you that extra bit of vitality and zest too, so if you’re looking for adventure and fun today, especially now the moon is in Sagittarius, plan your day so that it offers as much excitement as you can take! "

I work at a car wash. I have exactly seventeen dollars in my wallet. This has to last me until Monday when I get paid my slave wage again and try to carve out an existence as a whore for capitalism. In no way at all can this possibly be construed as "looking fantastic" and Mars and Saturn have a LOT of explaining to do.

Of course, it could be argued that I didn't do the day right. I came home from work early, wrote two pages on a short story, and then slept for four hours.

But, then again, it's almost AMAZING how wrong it is, isn't it?

 

[Blue Mountain]

From horoscope.com: "Your ruling planet, Uranus, is at the heart of the planetary formation affecting everyone. You’ll find that you feel happier after a minor shopping spree at the mall. Take a friend though, because while cash is looking stable you’ll need someone who’ll stop you from going way over budget."

Although I doubt it needs to be said here, how can this apply to everyone under the sign of Aquarius? What if you live in a remote community with the nearest mall 100 miles away?

"Shopping spree"? I'm a classic male-pattern shopper: I go into a store because I need something, not because I want to buy a trinket.

"Cash is looking stable"? I have only $20 left out of my weekly budget, and it has to last until Friday -- fortunately, I've bought pretty much everything I need for the week.

"Take a friend?" That implies I have some who wants to take time out of his day to accompany a thrifty like a Scotsman person on a pointless trip to a mall.

There's also the opening phrase, "Your ruling planet, Uranus ..." Uhhh, I could comment on that, but I might break a rule