Step parent or ____ in law?

[mjv]

I am curious if I am the only person who thinks that it is incorrect for a grown man to call his father's new wife his "stepmom".

In casual conversation I used the phrase "my father's wife", which prompted a friend to correct me by saying, "that would make her your stepmom".

Now I went round and round with said friend and could not make her understand that my father's wife is not my stepmom, but rather someone who has married in to my family, such as a sister in law or brother in law.

I view the term stepmom or stepdad as only being used to describe a person who marries into a family with minor children. The word itself is indicative that someone has stepped in to replace a missing mother or father. The word also implies a mother-child or father-child relationship.

In my case my parents divorced when I was in my twenties, well after the time anyone would have stepped into a "parental" role. They have now remarried (several years later) to very nice people, but for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone would think that I should call them my stepparents.

I realize its just a word, but is it just me or do other people really not see the distinction?

 

[Lord Muck oGentry]

mjv,
Dictionaries settle little or nothing. But the Shorter OED defines "stepmother" as the wife of one's father by a subsequent marriage. Usage in the USA may differ, of course.

Regards.

 

[Phaycops]

mjv,
Dictionaries settle little or nothing. But the Shorter OED defines "stepmother" as the wife of one's father by a subsequent marriage. Usage in the USA may differ, of course.

Regards.

That's as may be, but I agree with MJV. The important part of the word is "parent."

My boyfriend's mom remarried for the third time when he was 22. To call this guy his "stepfather" is absurd. This man is in no way acting as or meant to be a father figure to my boyfriend. We've met him approximately five times, and my boyfriend is completely independent of his mother. We call him his mother's husband.

OTOH, I have many friends whose parents divorced when they were little, and then remarried. The people who helped raised them are consequently stepPARENTS.

It's not just a word. Words have connotations and implications. I've had people marry into my family who I've taken years to address as "aunt." If, in the fullness of time, you feel like calling this person a stepparent, by all means do so. But that's up to you. Don't mind anyone else. There are people who will argue till the sun comes up about things that don't really matter. If you're not comfortable with the title, don't use it.

 

[Ladyhawk]

I tend to agree with you, MJV. I think, if a parent remarries due to divorce or being widowed and has young children who will regard the new spouse in a maternal/paternal manner, then using the phrase 'stepmother' or 'stepfather' is accurate.

Having a 'stepfather' or 'stepmother' past the age of 20 isn't inaccurate, but I think introducing said person as your parent's spouse is probably more appropriate.

 

[MLynn]

My father re-married after my Mom died, I was an adult, and I referred to my Dad's new wife as step-mom when I would talk with people. I loved her almost as much as my mom, so to me it was not an issue. I don't think this helps you, though, because your situation is different. You should address the new wife in whatever way is the most comfortable for you.

 

[Phaycops]

My father re-married after my Mom died, I was an adult, and I referred to my Dad's new wife as step-mom when I would talk with people. I loved her almost as much as my mom, so to me it was not an issue. I don't think this helps you, though, because your situation is different. You should address the new wife in whatever way is the most comfortable for you.

Exactly. It all depends on how you feel towards the person. I mean, there's people I'm not related to that I call "aunt" and even "sister." Family is about more than technicalities.

PS-- I'm glad you have such a strong and loving relationship with your stepmom I've seen much the opposite in several friends and it warms my heart to read your post.

 

[kittynh]

I have to say I adore my step dad, but it was many years before I refered to him that way. Also, I call him by his first name. He didn't marry my mom until I was in my 20's. My kids call him by an affectionate nickname. My own dad has been married many times, and there have been various step siblings. I kind of figured out not to get too attached. My dad's current wife, has several daughters that my dad refers to as his daughters. Of course, he's refered to himself as "dad" to all 6 of the various step children he's had over the years, and I don't think he's spoken to any of them since the divorces. So it isn't the name that's important, it's the actions. I just cringe when my dad refers to this wife as my "step mom". I've only met her twice, and that was two times too many. She once demanded that one of my brothers children be taken out of the will, as "she's adopted and doesn't have an ounce of white blood in her". That about did it for me! I won't tell you the name we refer to her as in this family!

 

[MLynn]

PS-- I'm glad you have such a strong and loving relationship with your stepmom I've seen much the opposite in several friends and it warms my heart to read your post.

Thanks, she died awhile back but I'm very happy to have had "two" moms.

 

[scarlet_35]

my grandmother remarried about 12 years ago and I've never been able to call her new husband, grandpa or even step-grandpa (would he be a step-grandpa?) I just call him by his first name, as does my dad. My kids sometimes call him grandpa but also call him by his first name because they're used to me calling him that.

I love him and all but....he's not my grandpa, so I just don't feel comfortable calling anything else.

 

[Chaos]

By the time my grandmother died, she had been "living in sin" with another man for about 25 years - though in the end they were 95 and 85, respectively, and I don´t know how much "sin" is possible at that age...

Anyway, as long as I remember, I have always called that man "Opa" ("grandpa"), although I knew he was not really my grandfather.