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Right-Wing Group Seeks Help Rewriting the Bible Because It's Not Conservative Enough

Pyrts

Critical Thinker
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A news item that showed up in my Facebook feed caught my eye today. Ever-alert for Snopes material (because some of my friends do fall for urban legends), I scanned the thing and then hit the Interwebz for the True Scoop. As it turns out, Phyllis Schafley's son, who has quite a bit of money and owns Conservapedia, is looking for help to rewrite the Bible.

Because it's not conseratie enough.
http://www.alternet.org/belief/righ...ing-bible-because-its-not-conservative-enough

I've read the Bible, and read enough Latin and Greek (VERY poorly, I might add) and know enough about the art of translation to see how translators have to reframe things so that they can correctly present them to the audience. I'm well aware that many people don't understand the King James Bible (I once had a discussion with someone who didn't understand that 'herb' in 16th century English meant 'green plant' instead of 'something found in your spice cabinet'.)

I sincerely hope this political translation of a translation of a translation doesn't catch on. If the suggested changes are really things they've "translated" then this divisive mess has the potential to do a great deal of harm.
 
That guy with the long hair, beard, and sandals was obviously some sort of hippie pinko.
 
"...and they've also removed Jesus’ words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

“The simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing,” Schlafly points out, proving that, “Jesus might never had said it at all.”"

Well, that's clear enough, isn't it?
 
Pyrts said:
I sincerely hope this political translation of a translation of a translation doesn't catch on. If the suggested changes are really things they've "translated" then this divisive mess has the potential to do a great deal of harm.
Click to expand...

Political translations in the sense of translations that are politically motivated can be traced at least as far back as the King James Bible itself.
 
"And when they had come to the town of Cana, Jesus took his Disciples to the firing range and yea did they hit many targets that day and the joy of the Lord was upon them. Then Jesus said: "The man who will not shoot is a Pussy in my sight" And The people saw that it was responsible..." - Bubba 12:15
 
Brainache said:
"And when they had come to the town of Cana, Jesus took his Disciples to the firing range and yea did they hit many targets that day and the joy of the Lord was upon them. Then Jesus said: "The man who will not shoot is a Pussy in my sight" And The people saw that it was responsible..." - Bubba 12:15
Click to expand...


Here... hold my wine and watch this. :p
 
Brainache said:
"And when they had come to the town of Cana, Jesus took his Disciples to the firing range and yea did they hit many targets that day and the joy of the Lord was upon them. Then Jesus said: "The man who will not shoot is a Pussy in my sight" And The people saw that it was responsible..." - Bubba 12:15
Click to expand...

I think that it was actually: "A man who will not shoot in my sight is a Pussy.", which is vaguely homoerotic...like most of the Gospels.
 
mijopaalmc said:
I think that it was actually: "A man who will not shoot in my sight is a Pussy.", which is vaguely homoerotic...like most of the Gospels.
Click to expand...

That was in the "Secret Gospel of Ted"*, no right-thinking Christian believes that any more...


* AKA: The Haggard Fragment...
 
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What they're doing is not only not unusual, but would be expected from a group like that!

It would be more surprising if they didn't try to produce their own edit of the Bible. Because, that's what religious communes always tend to do! History is filled to the brim with examples!
 
I think that it is incumbent upon us to take on that bastion of liberal-centered theology, The Lord's Prayer (taken from Matthew 6:9-13, in the King James Version):
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
​
First line is okay. Comfortably establishes God as a strong male authority figure. Second line is okay too..."Respect God" is the core message. But perhaps needs to be tweaked a little, to remove any ambiguity:
People better respect you, or else!
​
But we hit real problems with the next line. "Kingdom"? As in kings and queens, feudal society, etc.? While they may secretly desire to be monarchs, they still feel bound to publicly support the institutions of capitalism and democracy. Let's change that a little, shall we?
May your free market society prosper
​
"Your will be done" is also kinda' unspecific, isn't it? I mean, good Christians already know what God should do, right? That's the whole purpose of prayer...to tell God what you want him to do!
Fulfill the prayers of us, your faithful servants
​
"On Earth as it is in Heaven". Oh, my. That sounds a little too egalitarian...dare we even say Communist? No, obviously not what Jesus meant to say. He must have wanted to say something like this:
Rewarding those who are worthy both on Earth, and in Heaven
​
"Give us this day our daily bread". What?!?! How did that socialist-communist claptrap ever get into our Bible? Expecting God to just give handouts? What's next...Jesus Food Stamps? No, that's got to change:
Sell us this day our bread, with prices set by market value, according to each man's ability to afford it.
​
"And forgive us our debts". I'm blown away. I never before realized what a cesspool of liberal communist propaganda the Bible is. What would happen to our great and powerful country if we just ran around forgiving debts? You acquired the debt, so you will damn well pay it!
And punish those who fail to repay their debts (unless they're huge capitalist institutions, in which case we should give them money to bail them out)
​
"As we have also forgiven our debtors". JESUS NEVER SAID THAT!!! Why would I forgive my debtors? I repay my debts (unless they're really big, and acquired in the pursuit of proper capitalist goals), so others should repay their debts to me.
As I will hound and prosecute those who fail to repay their debts to me.
​
"And lead us not into temptation." You know who leads us into temptation? Satan! Not God. Only weak-minded liberals would fall for Satan's lies.
And bring down punishment upon those who, unlike me, yielded to Satan's temptation
​
"But deliver us from evil" That one's okay; just needs to be tweaked and clarified a little:
And deliver us from the evil socialists-liberals-communists-fags-bleeding-heart-godless-atheist-peacemongers
​
Yeah...that should just about do it. The new, improved, Lord's Prayer:
Our Father in Heaven
People better respect you, or else!
May your free market society prosper
As you fulfill the prayers of us, your faithful servants,
Rewarding those who are worthy both on Earth, and in Heaven.
Sell us this day our bread, with prices set by market value, according to each man's ability to afford it.
And punish those who fail to repay their debts (unless they're huge capitalist institutions, in which case we should give them money to bail them out)
As I will hound and prosecute those who fail to repay their debts to me.
And bring down punishment upon those who, unlike me, yielded to Satan's temptation
And deliver us from the evil socialists-liberals-communists-fags-bleeding-heart-godless-atheist-peacemongers
​
 
Okay, I know that my post above was great, but that doesn't mean that everyone else should just give up and say "I can't possibly do better than that, so I might as well write nothing".

Come on...let's hear other ideas ;)
 
Personally I think it would be better if the bible were written in a language only those who are worthy can read, so they can tell everyone else what is written there. That will remove a lot of those pesky alternate interpretations right there.
 
Maybe they should learn to write in tongues. Then anyone can take whatever message they like from the bible...

No difference really.
 
Lukraak_Sisser said:
Personally I think it would be better if the bible were written in a language only those who are worthy can read, so they can tell everyone else what is written there. That will remove a lot of those pesky alternate interpretations right there.
Click to expand...
They already do that. Sure, the Bible's available in English (and numerous other languages), but fact remains that it is standard Christian theology that one cannot properly understand or interpret it without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. So I guess they'd say anyone can read it; but only the worthy can understand it.

If you don't understand it, if you think it makes no sense; or if you disagree with 'their' interpretation; then obviously, it's because you're not one of the worthy.
 
5 Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.

The Beatitudes

2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they are the designated driver.

4 “Blessed are those who loan, for they shall be bailed out.

5 “Blessed are the sleek, for they shall inherit the trust fund.

6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for Corporate profit, for they shall be satisfied.

7 “Blessed are the strong, for they shall receive booty.

8 “Blessed are the sure in heart, for they shall see whatever they Goddamned want.

9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called Classic Fire-arms.

10 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for the right's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, when you watch them burn forever. Muhahahaha....
 
What should of course also be included is all the bits the lord clearly ment to say about the US of A being the greatest and bestest and only real Christian country in the world.
 
Lukraak_Sisser said:
Personally I think it would be better if the bible were written in a language only those who are worthy can read, so they can tell everyone else what is written there. That will remove a lot of those pesky alternate interpretations right there.
Click to expand...

A bit like the Delphic Oracle getting stoned out of her mind and jabbering, with her incoherent ravings being “interpreted” by the priests of Apollo. The priests ran the show, which is only proper.
 
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