Nursing Home Troubles

[Orb]

There is an interesting situation happening with one of my co-workers. His grandmother, for whom he has power of attorney, is being visited constantly by a local pastor and his wife. After each visit, she is depressed and paranoid because they ask her personal questions and dredge up painful memories (she has had some bad family troubles). The last bout of depression landed her in a psychiatric hospital for a few days. They are also asking questions about the grandson personal business as well as her financial situation. He is worried they are trying to take advantage of her for money (maybe a donation in her will?).

The nursing home says they can't ask them to stop coming unless the grandmother requests it. She is still considered competent mentally to make her own decisions (which is a blessing for her age), but the grandson feels he should be able to have a say to who comes to visit her.

I just think its a shame that these people are manipulating this elderly woman under the cloak of doing "god's work" or whatever. The grandmother isn't even a religious person and has never been to their church. The grandson feels she's just too polite to tell them to leave her alone because they bring her gifts on holidays and birthdays. Has anyone else run into a problem like this?

 

[Arkan_Wolfshade]

There is an interesting situation happening with one of my co-workers. His grandmother, for whom he has power of attorney, is being visited constantly by a local pastor and his wife. After each visit, she is depressed and paranoid because they ask her personal questions and dredge up painful memories (she has had some bad family troubles). The last bout of depression landed her in a psychiatric hospital for a few days. They are also asking questions about the grandson personal business as well as her financial situation. He is worried they are trying to take advantage of her for money (maybe a donation in her will?).

The nursing home says they can't ask them to stop coming unless the grandmother requests it. She is still considered competent mentally to make her own decisions (which is a blessing for her age), but the grandson feels he should be able to have a say to who comes to visit her.

I just think its a shame that these people are manipulating this elderly woman under the cloak of doing "god's work" or whatever. The grandmother isn't even a religious person and has never been to their church. The grandson feels she's just too polite to tell them to leave her alone because they bring her gifts on holidays and birthdays. Has anyone else run into a problem like this?

He could, conveniently, show up while they are there. If he confronts them, it may give his grandmother enough confidence to say, "Leave me alone." to them.

 

[Orb]

Good advice thanks!

Do you think her doctor could make them stop coming without declaring her incompetent? She's 98 years old, but still pretty sharp. These depressions can't be good for her though.

 

[Arkan_Wolfshade]

Good advice thanks!

Do you think her doctor could make them stop coming without declaring her incompetent? She's 98 years old, but still pretty sharp. These depressions can't be good for her though.

I would guess so. If the Dr. deems their visits to be having a negative effect upon her, then he (the doc) could ask her if she would like them to stop visiting, and act upon her answer (assuming she answers in the affirmative).

 

[Dancing David]

Good advice thanks!

Do you think her doctor could make them stop coming without declaring her incompetent? She's 98 years old, but still pretty sharp. These depressions can't be good for her though.

Compentency is a thorny issue, in Illinois the answer would be no, but she (grandmother) can request that they not be allowed to visit her.

 

[Dancing David]

I would guess so. If the Dr. deems their visits to be having a negative effect upon her, then he (the doc) could ask her if she would like them to stop visiting, and act upon her answer (assuming she answers in the affirmative).

Not against her will, if she iscompetent she has a right to communicate and have vistitors. She also can say she does nopt want them to visit her, since it is a medical facility you can't just walk in whenever you want.

 

[Dragonrock]

You could meet the pastor outside your grandmother's room and tell him that if he so much as thinks about your grandmother again then you'll make him regret it.

Okay, maybe threats aren't good, but tell him pointedly and not particularly politely that he is not welcome there. Be loud and forceful and make it obvious why he is being denied entrance and don't hide your anger. Then talk to your grandmother. Tell her that you love her and that it's obvious these people upset her. Then suggest that she not talk to them anymore because you would be sad if anything happened to her. If she feels that would be rude because they bring her gifts then explain that their visits are upsetting you.

I know I'm suggesting using guilt, but if you're that worried then it might be worth it.

 

[chance]

Sorry a little off topic don’t let this turn into a hijack.

chance gets on soap box.

(From personal experience), be very very wary of nursing homes run by the religious (ok I’ll say it, the salvation army) hold on to your (or your relatives) wallet, and preferably enter one of these establishments, stone motherless broke. Draw your own conclusions.

 

[Rasmus]

The nursing home says they can't ask them to stop coming unless the grandmother requests it.

Two questions come immediately to mind: Why can't they forbid them to visit? What law prevents them form stopping any individual to come into their premises (uninvited, no matter if welcome or not) and enter one of the resident's (patient's even?) rooms?

Why has the grandmother not made the request?

She is still considered competent mentally to make her own decisions (which is a blessing for her age), but the grandson feels he should be able to have a say to who comes to visit her.

Why does he feel that? Either she still is competent enough to make these decisions, or she isn't.

I just think its a shame that these people are manipulating this elderly woman under the cloak of doing "god's work" or whatever. The grandmother isn't even a religious person and has never been to their church. The grandson feels she's just too polite to tell them to leave her alone because they bring her gifts on holidays and birthdays. Has anyone else run into a problem like this?

He needs to talk about this to his grandmother. He needs to address the nursing home again, even though I guess they do have a point in so far as not letting him decide who should be visiting his grandmother - but they should certainly look into it and decide independently of his opinion. they are, after all, responsible for his grandmother.

 

[supercorgi]

There is an interesting situation happening with one of my co-workers. His grandmother, for whom he has power of attorney, is being visited constantly by a local pastor and his wife. After each visit, she is depressed and paranoid because they ask her personal questions and dredge up painful memories (she has had some bad family troubles). The last bout of depression landed her in a psychiatric hospital for a few days. They are also asking questions about the grandson personal business as well as her financial situation. He is worried they are trying to take advantage of her for money (maybe a donation in her will?).

The nursing home says they can't ask them to stop coming unless the grandmother requests it. She is still considered competent mentally to make her own decisions (which is a blessing for her age), but the grandson feels he should be able to have a say to who comes to visit her.

I just think its a shame that these people are manipulating this elderly woman under the cloak of doing "god's work" or whatever. The grandmother isn't even a religious person and has never been to their church. The grandson feels she's just too polite to tell them to leave her alone because they bring her gifts on holidays and birthdays. Has anyone else run into a problem like this?

Unfortuantely, if she's component there's not much you can do. She has the final say of who visits her and who does not. My dad was in a nursing home for 5 years - he wasn't compotent so we never faced this issue. If she's clear in her thinkng, there's not much you can do. Sorry.

 

[Soapy Sam]

...

I just think its a shame that these people are manipulating this elderly woman under the cloak of doing "god's work" or whatever.

With respect, you seem to have gone straight from suspicion to sentence without the trial stage here.

You only know what your colleague is telling you.
He (it seems) only knows what his grandmother tells him.

If she is sufficiently on the ball to give him the sort of details you mention, she is on the ball enough to decide to whom she will leave what is, after all, her money. He has power of attorney. If she wishes to change her will, he will have his chance to dissuade her then.

My honest advice to you is to nod and smile and stay out of this. If your colleague needs someone to talk to it's good you are there to listen, but be wary of offering advice so long as all you know is what he himself thinks. You would just be confirming his suspicions, which might be quite wrong.

If he is right in his suspicions, he will learn little by visiting with them, as they will change their tune. Modern dictaphones are tiny and can operate for hours with sound initiated microphones. Just a thought.