My kid's being bullied

John Bentley

Critical Thinker
J
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Apr 9, 2004
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I have a young child in private school. I recently found out that another child in the school has been bullying him for no apparent reason, and my kid has come home with bruises on his arms, legs, and once just above his groin where this other kid has punched and kicked him.

My kid has been attacked twice more by this other kid, even after I have had conferences with the teacher and the principal of the school.

I have recently found out that this other kid has violently attacked at least 3 other children on a regular basis at this school.

I have taught my kid how to defend himself until he can get away and notify an adult, and he has done so twice now. We're talking young children -- age 6 and 7.

I've also essentially solved the problem temporarily for my child by teaching him how to watch his back, how to avoid ambushes in the bathroom, and how to avoid eye contact with this psychopath. And yet I am unsatisfied with this solution in the long term, because I think it is unacceptable that my kid can't go where he wants, go to the bathroom, talk to whomever he wants without fear of getting mugged. Particulary when this is a private school and they aren't required by the state to keep the psycho as a student.

What else can I do in this situation, teachers?
 
An article I saved (I'm a martial arts teacher)

Bully Defense on the Bus

Tip 1: Sit near the front of the bus! Sitting close to the driver will make bullies and teasers think twice before acting for fear of getting caught.

Tip 2: Don't stay silent! Unless you feel that another kid will physically attack you if you speak up, remaining completely silent while kids are harassing you will only encourage them to keep doing it. Try one of the following:

-Directly ask them to stop.

-Distract them by starting a conversation that might interest them.

Tip 3: Sit with friends! There is strength in numbers. You are less likely to be singled out if you are sitting with others.

Bully Defense at Lunch

Tip 1: Move your seat! Ask a friend to move with you. If you are assigned to a seat, ask an adult if you can change it. If he or she says no, tell your parents so they can talk to the person in charge to get your seat changed.

Tip 2: Sit close to an adult! Bullies don't bully and teasers don't tease around adults â?" so sit as close to one as you can! If an adult who is supervising doesn't recognize the problem, please tell a teacher you trust or your parents.

Tip 3: Be the first one to enter the lunchroom and the first one to leave! Don't waste time in the halls when going to lunch or when getting back to class after lunch. Wasting time only gives bullies more opportunity to bother you.

Bully Defense in the Halls

Tip 1: Always be aware of who is ahead of you! If you see a bully or teaser ahead of you, DON'T pass the person and give him or her the opportunity to bother you by noticing that you are there! Take your time and slow down a little so they get further ahead of you.

Tip 2: Always be aware of who is behind you! Don't allow a bully or teaser to stay directly behind you in the hall. He or she will most likely follow you until you have reached a part of the school with no teachers around in order to harass you without fear of being caught. If you notice a bully or teaser behind you, stop and let him or her pass. Stop in to say hello to a favorite teacher or go to the front office or the nurse's office to say hello.

Tip 3: Go a different way when possible! If your school has a first and second floor you may have a choice of taking more than one way to class. Choose the safest way even if the safest one is the longest one. It is worth the longer walk to prevent giving the bully or teaser an opportunity to bother you.

Bully Defense Online

Tip 1: Don't respond to the message! Although it is very tempting to tell a bully off, it is not a good idea. This may only get the bully angry and cause more problems for you. The bully also can print out your message and use it against you by showing it to teachers or to the principal to say you were the one who started the problem and not the other way around.

Tip 2: Get out of the chat room! If someone is making fun of you or is threatening you in a chat room, leave that room so the person doesn't have the opportunity to continue. Take down the screen name and report the situation to your online provider.

Tip 3: Print out any threatening or harassing messages! You can't prove it is happening if you do not print out the evidence. Show the printed message to your parents. It is against the law to threaten or harass someone online.

Tip 4: Report inappropriate messages to your par ents and your online provider! Most online services will suspend individuals who violate online rules. Let the offender get what is coming and report the violation to get him or her off the net.

Bully Defense in General

Tip 1: Don't exchange insults with bullies! This will only make the bully try harder to make you look bad in front of others.

Tip 2: Don't accept getting teased to fit in with the popular group! Some kids tolerate teasing to try to be accepted by a popular group of kids. If you are hoping they will stop teasing you as soon as they get to know you, it most likely will not happen.

Tip 3: Immediately report the bullying or harassment! Many popular kids are very concerned about remaining popular, not only with their classmates but also with their teachers. Mention what is happening to a teacher or counselor you trust. A student talking to an adult in this situation may be enough to stop the offending behavior.

Bully Defense Using Come-Back Lines

The key to using come-back lines is to avoid the temptation to trade name calling or personal insults with the bully or teaser. A great come-back line is brief and to the point, and leaves the bully or teaser feeling that he or she did not get to you! Don't forget to always look the person in the eye and keep cool - anger is a sign that what the bully is doing is working.

Try some of the following: however always remember that if another student is threatening physical violence toward you, don't say anything to him or her- do your best to get away from the situation and to where a teacher or other adult is located.

-"Why do you waste your time saying that stuff to me?"

-"Those things are ridiculous, but whatever."

-"I don't do this to you. You should really think about what kind of person you are acting like."

-"I'm not sure why you keep saying these things to me, but it really doesn't matter."

-"Okay. Finished?"

-"That's funny, but now I'm bored."

-"Here we go again, tell me when you are done."

--From Member Solutions.
 
Good tips from alfaniner but they don't solve the problem. If you're in the U.S., most school districts have begun taking action against bullying.

Do not let up with your principal and the teacher. If you child has injuries as you describe, take him to school with you to show the teacher/principal. Take photos. Get documentation at the doctor's if you can.

If the principal doesn't take IMMEDIATE action, go to the school Superintendent and demand a meeting and action. If that fails, go to the school board and to your state Senator/Representative simultaneously.

My son had bullying problems, too (though not as severe as you are describing). We forced action and it worked.
 
Garrette said:
Good tips from alfaniner but they don't solve the problem. If you're in the U.S., most school districts have begun taking action against bullying.

Do not let up with your principal and the teacher. If you child has injuries as you describe, take him to school with you to show the teacher/principal. Take photos. Get documentation at the doctor's if you can.
Click to expand...

We have done this. I took pictures of the bruises, and we had a doctor's record of the kick to the groin, all of which I took with me to the principal. Additionally, my kid was in the room for part of the conference, and he showed other bruises he had received at the hands and feet of the other kid. It seemed to me that the principal was unsurprised, and I later found out that the kid has attacked other kids in the school.

If the principal doesn't take IMMEDIATE action, go to the school Superintendent and demand a meeting and action. If that fails, go to the school board and to your state Senator/Representative simultaneously.

My son had bullying problems, too (though not as severe as you are describing). We forced action and it worked.
Click to expand...

The principal has taken action such as restricting access of this kid to people he seems to dislike. For instance, he is not allowed to go on the playground at the same time as my kid. However, when the principal started saying things like "Well, we have been trying to find out what triggers this behavior in [this kid]", I started asking around, and it seems this kid acts out violently with other kids in the school. We're not talking about teasing, name calling, etc. We're talking about violently attacking other children with puches and kicks, with little or no provocation. The kid is truly a disturbed little wacko.

I seem to have halted his attacks on my kid by teaching my kid essentially the list given by alphaniner. However, as I said before, why the heck should my kid, and at least 3 other kids I know about, be forced to act this way? Why can't they get rid of the wacko, instead? The kid is a ticking time bomb, so why should my kid be forced to tiptoe around so this nut won't explode?
 
A kid comes home with injuries?

That's not "bullying". That's a violent crime against a small child. Call the cops. Press charges. Make it plain that you will not accept this.
 
John Bentley said:
We have done this. I took pictures of the bruises, and we had a doctor's record of the kick to the groin, all of which I took with me to the principal. Additionally, my kid was in the room for part of the conference, and he showed other bruises he had received at the hands and feet of the other kid. It seemed to me that the principal was unsurprised, and I later found out that the kid has attacked other kids in the school.



The principal has taken action such as restricting access of this kid to people he seems to dislike. For instance, he is not allowed to go on the playground at the same time as my kid. However, when the principal started saying things like "Well, we have been trying to find out what triggers this behavior in [this kid]", I started asking around, and it seems this kid acts out violently with other kids in the school. We're not talking about teasing, name calling, etc. We're talking about violently attacking other children with puches and kicks, with little or no provocation. The kid is truly a disturbed little wacko.

I seem to have halted his attacks on my kid by teaching my kid essentially the list given by alphaniner. However, as I said before, why the heck should my kid, and at least 3 other kids I know about, be forced to act this way? Why can't they get rid of the wacko, instead? The kid is a ticking time bomb, so why should my kid be forced to tiptoe around so this nut won't explode?
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Then continue to the School Board and Senator/Rep.

Alternately, Claus' suggestion may be called for, but I doubt much if anything will be done along those lines.
 
Garrette said:
Then continue to the School Board and Senator/Rep.

Alternately, Claus' suggestion may be called for, but I doubt much if anything will be done along those lines.
Click to expand...

Why not? If anything, it is drawing a line in the sand. This is simply not acceptable.

We are not talking about the usual more-or-less rough bantering among school kids. That's...kids. We are talking about bodily physical harm to small children. Regardless of who is doing it. Or, since it is some other kid, all the more reason to kill it before it grows.

No, no, no. No.
 
Man that's F'ed up.

I'm sorry.

Press charges, or get a good lawyer and sue the school; sounds like you have some good evidence and a bully with a previous track record.
 
When I was in elementary school and jr. high, I lived in a miserable little Texas town of about 6000 called Perryton. I was bullied savagely, primarily because (believe it or not) I had no interest in football. I was pushed down stairs, had rocks thrown at me during recess, I was spit on, my books torn up, knocked down and all sorts of other things.

Nobody in authority at school did a damned thing about it.

I remember the school counselor telling me very condescendingly that the group of kids who usually picked on me were "nice kids", and that I must have done something to provoke them. Her advice was "just try to avoid them."

When my books were torn up, my 5th grade teacher handled the situation by telling me that it was "my responsibility to take care of my things".

My parents were no help either, because they had the idea that I had to learn how to deal with people on my own. Thanks, folks.

I could go on for ages, but in the interest of staying on-topic, I'd like to say it is absolutely crucial that you see to it that the bullying is stopped, and just as importantly, that the bullies are punished. Your kid needs to see that there is justice.

I put up with it for years before finally moving away. I learned (and never really un-learned) to hate school, distrust teachers, principals, and counselors, and I really don't know what would have happened if my situation had continued into my teens. This was in the early 80s before Columbine was a meme, but when that attack happened -- even though I hadn't seen the inside of a school for years -- there was a tiny little part of me that thought, "wow, finally! Score one for my team."
 
CFLarsen said:
Why not? If anything, it is drawing a line in the sand. This is simply not acceptable.

We are not talking about the usual more-or-less rough bantering among school kids. That's...kids. We are talking about bodily physical harm to small children. Regardless of who is doing it. Or, since it is some other kid, all the more reason to kill it before it grows.

No, no, no. No.
Click to expand...

I agree, but I want to make it clear that the "just kids bantering" you refer to, well it doesn't need to be physical to be horrible and unacceptable abuse. If two kids are clearly having a good time and just ragging on each other, that's one thing. If it's clear that a kid or a bunch of kids are ganging up on someone who is obviously being targetted and is very depressed or just is "taking it", there's a major problem. Suicide can result from this behavior and I call that abuse too. Both should be stopped and neither is excusable. That said, with my experience with both, I'll say that when it becomes violent it does become more immediatly dangerous.
 
I am with the "call the police and press charges" group but I also suggest that you inform the school administration that you will also be filing a civil suit against them for failing to protecting your child and provide them with a safe learning environment.

Nothing gets things done faster than a threat to finances.

I am an advocate of fighting back and it is what I did all through school but I recognize that not everyone is physically or mentally able to do this.
 
I'm in favor of pressing charges as well, since the school administration won't do anything. The bully really needs to learn there are consequences for his actions.
 
You've got some good rational advice from the others, I'd be more inclined to introduce the bully's father to Mr. Fist.

Yes, my dad was a bad example...:boxedin:
 
John Bentley said:
I have a young child in private school. I recently found out that another child in the school has been bullying him for no apparent reason, and my kid has come home with bruises on his arms, legs, and once just above his groin where this other kid has punched and kicked him.

...
Click to expand...

For the record I suffered bullying myself, and I worry a lot about what will happen to my 2 year old son when he gets older. One thing that I want to do with him is get him martial arts training. Make him a less easy target. My sister put her children in judo and said that it helped a lot. It isn't an immediate solution, but it may be worth looking into long term. Because this will arise again.

Another random suggestion is to talk directly to the parents of the bully. I don't hold out much hope that it will solve the problem, but it is worth giving it a try. Knowing that they'll find out may cause him to pick a different target. (Note, many bullies learn the behaviour from their parents disciplinary techniques. This has unpredictable consequences. For instance they might think that what he is going isn't a big deal, or you might have an episode where the bully beats up your kid in retaliation for his having "tattled"...)

Another random idea is to give your son a noisemaker. For instance a loud whistle to use when he gets in trouble. This may draw enough attention to deter the bully.

Other than that, what everyone else said. (Though I am less fond of lawyers than a lot of people here seem to be.)

Cheers,
Ben
 
I just copied the article as a set of initial guidelines. I have some differing opinions myself.

The first thing I teach the kids is "every situation is different." I can not give them one all-encompassing technique (either verbal or physical) that will handle every situtation. What I can do is explore several different scenarios and work on how to handle those.

negativ, the world is a very different place than when you went to school. Now there are resources that any internet-accessible kid can find out about.
 
I'm all for the pressing charges idea, however i have a question..
I know in Australian law, a person under the age of 10 years old cannot be charged, regardless of how vicious the assault or other form of crime is (i think murder may be an exception, but not sure). Is American law the same in this sense?
Assuming that its fine in the States to prosecute this kid, i'd say go and do it. If not, then the more time you can spend in the principals office demanding that this kid is expelled, the better. Took my neighbour 6 trips to the principals office (excessive yes, but it had to be done) plus heaps and heaps of phone calls to get a kid expelled that was doing a very similar thing to her child. I guess Principals get sick of hearing the same voice popping up on their voicemail, and seeing the same person in their office and decide to finally take some action.
 
Alfaniner, the article you quote is fairly decent, EXCEPT for the really bad advice in this section:

alfaniner said:
Bully Defense Using Come-Back Lines

[snip]

-"Why do you waste your time saying that stuff to me?"

-"Those things are ridiculous, but whatever."

-"I don't do this to you. You should really think about what kind of person you are acting like."

-"I'm not sure why you keep saying these things to me, but it really doesn't matter."

-"Okay. Finished?"

-"That's funny, but now I'm bored."

-"Here we go again, tell me when you are done."
Click to expand...
I doubt any of these would do any good, but the one I bolded is just asking the bully (and anyone else in earshot) to pummel you.

I hate advice like that. Dr. Laura tells kids who are being bullind "Go up to the leader of the bullies and say something like "Your friends are bothering me. I was wondering what you could do to prevent it."

I dislike this woman in general, but when she gives this kind of advice to kids, I just want to scream.

John B: Tell the administrators that if they do not deal with this immediately, the police will be brouht in, and civil suits filed against them.
 
Call the police to document the incident.

Document document document. Then document some more.

You've already got a head start, there. Call the superintendent and let him know you are more than willing to file charges and lawsuits.

Wildcat, your dad and mine would've gotten along, I think. Only once did I come home with a bruise from a bully. The old man went up to the principal's office and told him the next time >I< came home with a bruise, HE(the principal) would go home with a bruise. As he had the man by the throat up against a wall at the time, it was a pretty reasonable thing to think dad wasn't bluffing.(He wasn't.)

But, I am not recommending such practice. I would recommend what CFL is saying. (You can mark the day on the calendar!!!) Get some folks invovled. Superintendant, school board members, Senate/Rep folks. Whomever needs to be involved.

I know a guy who was refused school lunch when he was little because he couldn't pay. His mother screamed bloody murder. And kept screaming bloody murder. Now it is law in our state that a student be provided a hot lunch, regardless of his ability to pay, though they will still pester the parents for the back owed money. One parent can change things.
 
CFLarsen said:
A kid comes home with injuries?

That's not "bullying". That's a violent crime against a small child. Call the cops. Press charges. Make it plain that you will not accept this.
Click to expand...
I agree. My son had his tooth knocked out by another kid in 1st grade. The school made the parents of the kid bring him to school to apologize to me and my son. That put an end to it, but if it hadn't there's no way I would just tell my son way to avoid the kid. The parents would be meeting us in court.

I think an attempt to resolve it with the other parents is reasonable. But it isn't OK to just have the school act as middle person unless you are confident meeting the other parents would not be productive.

Sometimes bullying is just one of those things but when it leaves bruises or bite marks, it should be taken seriously. If it continues, it is indeed a crime of assault.
 
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