January Stundie Finals

[Travis]

Well I wanted to wait until I knew if there would be mandated changes to the Stundie Awards. Apparently there won't be so here they are!

And let it be known that someone once said this and we found it funny because it was dumb:

The RJ Lee report says nothing about "FE", idiot. "FE" is the NYSE ticker symbol for FirstEnergy Corp. Your attempts to pass yourself off as an expert in chemistry when you think "FE" has something to do with iron show you're a joke.
​

Congrats whoever said it.

Here is the trophy

And here are the finals for January.

1) Someone needs to edit the Wiki page on the Wright Brothers in order to get rid of all that stuff about airplanes and focus on their more inspiring feats involving human powered bicyclic ground transportation.

The fundamental point (redacted) is that a bicycle is a much more sophisticated, much more complex machine than an airplane or rocket..Once you understand that, you are home free......

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2) Darn those buildings for not believing in themselves enough. Can we get a Skyscraper Whisperer to make sure other buildings don't loose their will to keep their memories?

Everything in creation is within it's own unique memory field.
YOU reader are remembering to be.
This is achieved within a dual spin field of torroidal shape that enables each atom to remember how it is arranged within the dominant memory field.
If an overload of either direction of spin charges is experienced that is powerfull enough to make that dominant memory fail to compound the zillions of individual atom memory fields together, then death occurs...as we term it.
That how some towers were made to forget to be, and lots of atoms stopped holding hands with their neighbours...hence the dust.

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3) Yeah, people being vaporized by surveillance cameras would surely attract no attention. I mean we've had roving baboon death gangs roaming the streets of Boston for like a decade and no one ever mentions that!

I’m just wondering now…could they have “vaporized” people? I know it is premature to talk about this but it is quite clear that the purpose of this unacceptable surveillance is getting rid of some people. Maybe it didn’t happen yet but it WILL…. and if stuff like that had already happened, we would never know.

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4) I only kinda sorta claimed to be a billionaire industrialist. It was only when you accused me of being what I claimed to be that this got ugly.

You should really get your facts straight (name redacted).....I only semi-sorta' kinda' claimed to be a doctor. It was (name redacted) ACCUSING me of being a doctor that brought this whole ugly mess to a rip roaring head......

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5) My first guess is the copper bit that travels 300 meters a second and your fear that it will take away your life. Do we next need to explain how sexy spies work?

well guns dont have authority nor do they have the power to enforce, they are completely neutral, so what gives the people wielding the guns authority?

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6) I just got a change order to add crumple zones to the 767. Should I send a memo back advising them to perhaps not let their teenage children pilot a multimillion dollar machine unsupervised?

I'm certain if a 767 had flown into the towers it would folded on impact and not have passed through the steel box girders on the wall of the tower, in the same way autos have crumple zones to absorb the impact of a crash.

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7) Stop telling me why I'm wrong. I'm just creative!

The kind of people who get their rocks off pretending to be skeptical and intelligent to cover up the fact that you have very little free-thought, imagination, or knowledge of any kind.

It's very easy to make fun of people on random internet forums when you have no idea what they are talking about.

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8) Here we see a confused and frightened hominid trying to argue that only experts that agree with his expert are to be trusted (gender is assumed male based on the unjustified principle that testosterone makes comprehending big words impossible).

WOW! (name redacted) seems to be relying on the old argument of using enough big words (in whatever order) so as to bamboozle his (I assume (named redacted) is the masculine "his", because women seldom speak in this manner) listeners. There are VERY few contributors to this thread who really know what they are talking about when it comes to criticism of Dr Teo! How could they?

You are either a qualified neurosurgeon or you are not. I am not! But, are the Teo detractors members of a professional body in that field? And if they are, how much of it is proffesional jealosy?

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9) Wait.....they couldn't use the DARK FORCE to create the portals? I do feel sorry for them.

Never in their life the proof
THE PROOF is because the VAN ELLEN BELT, no body is allowed to LEAVE y=the PLANETS ORBIT.

ALSO NOT BE ON THE MOON, where our WHITE BROTHERS of LIGHT are keeping our DARK FORCE brothers in QUARANTINE on EARTH.

SO NO they never have could LEAVE this EARTH.

THEIR WHOLE LIVE was to send NUKES, and trying to Create Gateway or Portals to find a way to get of this PLANET.

I feel sorry for them.

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10) Actually I think it's because of the increase in hot women doing the weather reports. They attract all the pirates to give up their trade which causes the global warming. Seems perfectly logical in my mind.

Speaking of weather did you notice how weather forecasting got so much better and more accurate over the years? Some would say its because better equipment and experience but I would say its more likely because of increased broadcasting audience. Just think about it; they send weather forecasts to millions and millions of people and its all graphic,detailed and convincing like never before; then the following day you see the forecast was true. This way we unconsciously influence the weather and disturb natural proccesses hence all the weather anomalies. Seems perfectly logical in my mind

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11) I fail to find anything ignorant about not knowing something.

I fail to find anything incredulous about not believing

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12) Oh come on man. Everyone that read Jurassic Park knows what is wrong with this.

Diet also plays a major part, as women are essentially malformed males at birth

Not enough nutrition, prevents the child from growing a penis & increased skeletal structure to support the muscular development of a man, hence clueless women …

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13) Yes, debunking things you actually believe in is the real sport.

I do find it odd, and somewhat strange when people don't believe something, but yet they keep coming back to refute what they apparently don't believe. If you don't believe......surely there is no reason to refute anything.

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14) Yeah, I totally bought into the idea of Martian teleportation until Obama showed up in the story. Then I was like "wait, only Teddy Roosevelt has been to Mars."

if you think about having lie about somthing Eg: having gone to mars or having communicated with aliens since birth then you would have to keep your story contained to an extent because if you go to far then the story becomes too unbelievable and people wont buy it... Eg

I went to mars...and further while on mars I saw huge elephants swimming in the ocean

so my point is...why on earth would somthing lie about going to mars but also add an additional utterly insane notion that they also saw obama there?

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15) Someone put out a memo suggesting to frame Egyptians but then someone remembered America has no access to Egypt because of the Space Gun of Anvil. But then we remembered we had defeated the space gun with the Plasma Shield of Zordyn. So we totally framed one.

So why aren't drones skulking around Saudi Arabia killing Wahhabismists?

14 out of the 19 were Saudi. They were Saudis because the Saudis were the only MEs the CIA had access to to manipulate and frame.

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16) Silly NIST. Thinking that skyscrapers contain all this air in them.

OK, I would like somebody to answer 2 questions-
1, What was the height of the rubble at ground zero immediately after the towers collapsed?
2, as the pile of rubble was very much lower than the original height of the quarter mille high towers, what turned the remainder to dust? even steel dust, and does the NIST explanation of a simple pancake collapse really provide the answer?

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17) Dear God man. I can design rockets with a million pounds of thrust but flattening grass in geometric patterns? What am I? Some sort of wizard?

They know you cant make a crop circle like we've seen lately. You couldn't do it with gps or a nasa budget. Everybody knows your fibbing. Care to try?

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18) So.......there is no spoon? Is this psuedo-philosophy or something?

a vacuum is man made phenomenon, we can provide a force to move matter, if it is done to an enclosed area, the area may be voided of matter,
this void can not suck anything into it to stabilize with its
surroundings, it can not provide any exchange of energy to move anything.

surrounding matter will move into the void because of internal pressure to expand.

there is no vacuum in space.
it is just void of matter.

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19) I knew there was a reason the scale in the basement always says I'm lighter than the one in the attic. Now if only I could remember why I have those scales there and not in the bathroom?

Regarding the energy; we know that gravity on the ground is very low. And underneath the ground, several thousand times lower than above ground. So what made the towers to collapse several floors under ground? (I am sure you are gonna drag plane fuel into this discussion too! But arent those tanks empty yet.....) But still, several floors were crushed under ground level. No one has an explanation for that. Except us that doubts the ******** you believe in

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20) And NASA forgot to include an anchor and mizzen mast as well!

I have never said man could not make it to the moon.
With a big enough rocket and a rudder its possible I suppose.
I was discussing NASAs vast superiority with the technology claimed to exist at the time.

A rudder is required to steer. Without a rudder any vessel would just go with currents unable to navigate.

 

[brazenlilraisin]

With honorable mention props to 4, 10 and particularly 3, my final choices were 6, 12, 17, 18 & 19.

 

[Firestone]

The stupid hurts.

I voted for:
12, because I now finally understand how lowly I am.
16, because kindergarten physics disprove the "argument".
10, because it is also perfectly logical in my mind.

 

[Travis]

Almost forgot to enable multivoting.


Ever notice how the word "forgot" just looks weird?

 

[abaddon]

4, 10, 20 for me.

 

[Border Reiver]

1, 4, 5, 12

Patrick is on his way to securing multiple nominations for months at a time.

 

[Agatha]

Oh my, this is a real bumper month of crazy. I'm going to have to think a bit before voting, as all are worthy winners.

 

[Cocana The Second]

Dear Travis

Echoing Agatha's comment above, I would like to congratulate you on assembling this bounty. In the time that I have been following the stundies this has to be the ripest bunch yet. I listed the ones that I really liked, but the trouble is that I would be multi-voting for 14 entrants. That's too much.

I need to stop laughing, focus on the most supreme idiocy and decide. This will be a tough job.

 

[Cocana The Second]

Been through them again and I still have nine on my shortlist. Still too much. I've underlined four of them though so I'll go for those - 14, 16, 18 and 20.

 

[Cocana The Second]

Oh, hang on, I must have 4 as well.

And 5, 12 and 13.

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

[Cocana The Second]

Damn it, I should have also voted for 6.

I need a break. The stundies have overloaded (underloaded??) my brain.

 

[Sabretooth]

20 is just perfect.

 

[Klimax]

Number three looks almost like Tantalus field from Terran empire. (Star Trek The original series ; episode with alternate timeline "Mirror, mirror")

 

[twinstead]

I must go with 20. Its simple, unadorned idiocy appeals to me.

 

[CompusMentus]

It's a pity Vinegar Lady couldn't have been included somehow. She was a contender I tell ya!

Compus

 

[Travis]

Darn it. I misspelled "lose" as "loose" which is actually a pet peeve of mine.

Oh and I wish Vinegar lady had put her insanity into text form so it would have been more easily included.

 

[patchbunny]

Hell, I've made crop circles. Isn't that difficult.

Checklist:

(_) Field
(_) 2x4
(_) Rope
(_) Insomnia

 

[Travis]

Sorry. But it clearly takes wizards.

 

[Elizabeth I]

For some reason this month's batch just irritates me - all of them. I may not vote.

 

[Travis]

So bad they aren't even funny?

I do try my best to keep it lighthearted.