If g. W. bush Explained July 4th to Children
Q: Dear Mr. Bushy, why do we celebrate the Fourth? (Billy Johnson, Cleveland, Ohio)
A: Dear Billy, we celebrate the Fourth because it’s a great time to have a keggar and roast weanies. I got tuh wear my cowboy hat and cows, well.. they were chased cows from a humvee I chased ‘em last time the July had a fourth. Then we all got ripped and had the boys from special forces light up the sky with a bunch of them rocket thingys they had in those BlackHawk thingys… killed a lot of the cows with them rockets… Barney kept rooting around in the carcasses for weeks after that.. couldn’t keep him.. in the house I have to put my scotch in a glass that looks like it could be coke, cause Laura doesn’t mind the coke.. but well, you know she killed her first boyfriend… ran him over like a heifer that couldn’t run fast enough.. boy, I sure do like keggars and weenies.
Q: But Mr. Pressing-dent, I thought the Fourth had to do with our successful fight for independence from Great Britain? (Bobby Smith, Pittsburgh, PA)
A: Hey, little ◊◊◊◊-fer-brains. Don’t try to trick me with none of them factualized questionnaires. I didn’t know the names of the people running Pakistani or any of them groups tryin’ to bomb us and I never needed to know any of it. Back when I was losing the popular election to Gore-inski I proved I didn’t know nothing about none of them histories or geo-istories, or none of it… and the American people didn’t care neither because we all knew that things in Pakisani and Afghanistani would never hurt us… so I was popular enough to git the election close enough for a little inside work from my cousin running the Fox news desk and my brother running the Florida vote counts and my Dad’s friends running the Supremest Court of em all. So in the end, I don’t have to know what… what was the question? Look, just don’t try to corner me with those pesky details… the facts are what we make them tell us they will be… like Saddam. He’s the problem.
Q: But Mr. W. sir, I thought the fight for American independence was the result of every American longing to be free? Isn't that why our founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776? (Suzy Long, Omaha, Nebraska)
A: Dear, Suzy, your father is a Commie, isn't he? I’ll let Ashcroft answer this since I don’t… uh.. *Ashcroft steps up* The Declaration of Indecency is more like it. They violated the law and actually wrote down their confessions and signed them… it was the duty of every loyal American colonist to turn in these limousine liberals and see to it that they were executed and convicted. The general public was being manipulated by these rich liberals with their propaganda. The Declaration of Independence was biased and is full of factual errors and misleading information… only a few people had their homes confiscated and property seized and that would never have happened if they were loyal British subjects… so it was their own fault. They were terrorists and didn’t deserve the protection of a fair trial.
Q: But Mr. Whoever’s-in-charge, I thought the Declaration of Independence was a great symbol of American freedom? Weren't these rich people you talk about were willing to risk everything they owned in order to gain freedom for all the colonists? (Amy Moore, Madison, Wisconsin)
A.* Ashcroft still speaking* Amy, Amy, Amy. You've been listening to too much Michael Moore. Such alleged "patriots" advance the lie that the Declaration of Independence was created to give the people a document that spelled out what was and was not important to America's values. But they didn’t have any values. I have witness statements confirming that Thomas Jefferson said, “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”. Dissent? And he was involved with colored girls… in a lascivious manner.. he mixed races for God’s sake and was therefore going against God’s plan. And he had SEX! It’s all those dirty terrorists think about… Ben Franklin was a pervert and so was those Adams’. Sex, sex, sex and tearing down decent law-abiding systems the Puritans had set up… and sex.
Q: But Mr. Ascroft, aren't there some very powerful words in the Declaration? It says this: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." No document in the history of man ever said such a thing. (Jarrod Planitzer, Slippery Rock, PA)
A: * Dick Cheney stands up and takes the microphone from Ashcroft.*Go F _ _ _ Yourself, you little ba$tard! I’ll say it on the Senate floor. I’ll say it here. I’ll follow you into your church and say it to your mother and your priest! F _ _ K YOU!
Q: Gee, sirs, I thought the Fourth of July was a time to celebrate our patriotism, to celebrate the overwhelming success of the American experiment. Sure, we have a lot of problems at times. But isn't it obvious to you that freedom works and that we ought to encourage its spread to every corner of the earth for the benefit of everyone? (Mary Hyde, Baltimore, MD)
A: *Tom Ridge stands to attention* Mary, Mary, Mary. The job of a true patriot is to exploit every perceived weakness of the enemies of this administration. Even if it causes more of our own people to die. In fact, fear of that kind of tragedy can be used to our advantage. As my mentor, Herman G. use to say, “Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger." And he was an important man until those pinkos broke through the Eastern front.
But the most important thing to remember about those founding fathers and their declarations is that they hated the colonial administration just like Micheal Moore hates this one. And they hate us because we have freedom. They hate all that freedom we have to send their children to die for war profiteering. They would rather see us finish chasing down some guy named bin Laden… and let me tell you, I’ve met a bunch of those bin Ladens at G.W.’s picnic and they are a good bunch of people.
*Bush belches and stands up. He wipes sleep from his eyes.* Hey! Any of you know how long we have to stay here and play with the kids. I didn’t like schooling none the first time. It’s been more than seven minutes. Can I go hide at that nice base in Nebraska again? These kids are starting to scare me.
