I take on my Horoscope

[bagtaggar]

Challenged by a friend to examine the information under "Aries", the zodiac constellation assigned to my day of birth, I decided to perform a brief break down. He decided upon reading the first few sentences that I am a closed minded skeptic and too young to be commenting on such matters.

I can't wait till I'm older.

Now, I'm aware that this is actually just a "personality profile", and I use the word horoscope loosely (and jestingly). Enjoy!

Stanley Von Medvey takes on his horoscope.
Let's ignore for a moment that, when the original astrological charts where written by the Babylonians (approximately 4400 years ago), the Earth's pole was in a different orientation due to precession, and in fact all zodiac related horoscopes today are a full month off. Let's pretend that I am an "Aries". Below is my personality profile from "Astrology Online":

What follows is my sentence by sentence break down of the horoscope. Being to critical? Too analytical and skeptical one might say? Perhaps. But when it is enourmously unlikely (to the point of being rediculous) that astrology actually "works", using some ancient cosmic principle, one must look at the language itself and determine if this is all just a clever con or self-reinforcing dellusion. The world is a harsh place, and one must be harsh on the world to survive in it.

Aries
The spring equinox, March 21, is the beginning of the new zodiacal year and Aries, the first sign, is therefore that of new beginnings. A nice meaningless statement. The young ram is adventurous, ambitious, impulsive, enthusiastic and full of energy. I am very very tempted to swallow this, but a critical thinker must be critical of themselves sometimes. I am indeed adventurous, but I won't go sky diving or bungie jumping, nor am I all that interested in kinky, exotic forms of love making. Anyone can be "adventurous", it depends in what sense. I'm also far from impulsive, as is evidenced by my lack of things. I am far too fearful of failure to be impulsive, and I'm far too cheap to be an impulsive buyer. Impulsive is just about the opposite of what I am. I will grant that I am enthusiastic, although passionate may be a more accurate word. And, there are times during the day when I am energetic, but this is an illusion. I'm utterly spent at the end of the day. The Arian is a pioneer both in thought and action, very open to new ideas and a lover of freedom. This is mostly true, or, I'd like to think so. I've always been a bit of a rabble rouser intellectually, and tend to go against the grain. I'm not sure if that's "pioneering" or confounding. They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results. Half true, as practically every sentence thus far has been. Interesting, always a 50/50. It's a toss up really. Yes I do welcome challenges and I am not easily swayed from my goals, but I am far from impatient. In fact, patience is one of the virtues I pride myself in. Then again, maybe that's wishful thinking.
Aries subjects are courageous leaders with a genuine concern for those they command, being responsible people, it is rare that they will use their subordinates to obtain their own objectives as leaders, but occasionally it does happen. I have considered myself a good leader, and I have been voted into a number of various positions throughout the years by my peers for my leadership abilities. The part about using subordinates to obtain their own objectives is silly. It's a sentence designed to invoke an emotional response and cause you to mull it over in your head, slowly convincing yourself that it's true. It doesn't actually mean anything. What if your objectives are to better your subordinates? Or improve some condition? Or, what if you're a director (like me) and you're goal is to make your own movie? Leadership is far too multi-faceted to be described in such general terms. Again, 50/50. They do not make very good followers because they are too "take charge". They may be unwilling to obey or submit to directions for which they can see no reason, or with which they disagree. On the contrary, I make a very good "follower", if by follower you mean "subordinate". I just hate it, and look for every opportunity to be in a position of leadership. But I take my job responsibilities very seriously, no matter where on the hierarchy I am. This is not to say I don't offer suggestions from time to time. They are much concerned with self, both positively and negatively - self-reliant but also self centered (sometimes) and concerned with their own personal advancement and physical satisfaction. Sentence forced to make you generate moral judgement on yourself. You've been shown so much positive stuff that, it's only fair you get some "honesty". I am self reliant, to a degree, aside from the fact that my father pays for my rent and my girlfriend needs to kick my ass to remind me to clean my apartment and pay my bills. I am concerned with my own personal advancement, but then again, who the hell isn't? In order to love others one must first learn to love thyself. Again, 50/50, I guess. Their immense energy makes them aggressive and restless, argumentative occasionally, headstrong, quick tempered, easily offended and capable of holding grudges if they feel themselves affronted. Some have described me as having "immense energy" (not using those exact words though), I am fairly aggressive, I move in an our of being content and restless, and argumentative only when I feel there is something worthwhile arguing or someone is very clearly in the wrong (I hate arbitrary conflict and avoid it like the plague). I am definitely not quick tempered, perhaps quickly empassioned but never angry, and it takes quite a lot to offend me. I don't hold grudges, most things slide off me like water. Again, 50/50. Noticing a trend?
As the first sign in the zodiac, you, as an Arian (as you are referred to), is to simply "get something started and lead the way". Ok, vague but no reason to contest this. The Sun in this zodiac position gives your will free rein to express itself. Meaningless. The sun gives me free rein (sic) to express myself? That's possibly the most rediculous damn thing I've ever heard in my life. You could be doing this in the form of some leadership role, or by forcing others to look at themselves in a new way. Well, I suppose by writing this I'm hoping to change some minds. Ultimately a meaningless statement because of the preceding. You can accomplish this by knowingly carrying out a deliberate act in the name of some cause that moves you. I can accomplish free rein (sic) of expression by knowingly carrying out a deliberate act that moves me. Let's rephrase that. I can express myself by doing something. Wow, what cosmic knowledge! A negative effect of this sun sign is that you could sometimes unknowingly make it hard for others to relate to you, as you really are. I wonder how many people, Aries or not, have difficulty making people relate to them. I'm sure we all run across people at some point in our lives that simply won't see our point of view no matter what. Notice how it says "sometimes" and "unknowingly". Intentionally vague and silly language: 'sometimes' you won't 'knowingly' be aware of people who don't relate to you. What?!
In your personal relationships Arians are frank, direct and candid, and make enthusiastic and generous friends. Frank, direct, candid, enthusiastic, yes. Generous? Er... I'm kind of stingy.

 

[bagtaggar]

You are liable to have a high sex drive and make passionate but fastidious lovers. Meh. I'd like to think this about myself but it probably isn't very true. There is, however, a negative side to your associations with other people. You can easily be irritated by slowness or moderation in your companions and, though yourselves sensitive, ride roughshod over the sensitivities of others. Yes and no? I don't tolerate stupidity and slow wittedness, it drives me up the wall. I can be a bit brash at times, sometimes a bit of an *******. Or sometimes I can be really caring and understanding and tempered, purposefully and methodically cautious with my words and actions so as not to offend. I'm pretty sure this is contradicting something stated earlier...The intensity of your sexual urges can drive you to promiscuity and a Don Juan-like counting of conquests of the opposite sex. Absolutely not true. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life who I am madly in love with, devoted to, and completely faithful towards. I have no need or desire for other woman, and am planning an engagement in the very near future. It can also trick you into early unwise marriage which may end disastrously. Also silly. My girlfriend and I have been exceedingly cautious and have purposefully postponed our marriage plans to allow for maturing room and education. We have no desire to rush into things, and are very cautious. Arians are highly devoted to their children, even to the point of laying down their own lives, so that they might live. You will not find a more defensive and loving parent in all the zodiac. I hope this is true when I have children, and it's something I will fight for. That's all I can say about that one.
It is preferable to be aware of your pioneering spirit and not disregard it. Advice, nothing "paranormal" here. For in acknowledging it you not only enjoy life more, but you avoid being pushed around by others. Same. Your nature is usually push or be pushed, with little middle ground. This can at times be objectionable to others, but you must have the freedom to act, rather then just thinking about it, getting pent-up in the process. Life is a give or take, most people are passive aggressive anyway and they get pushed around until they snap and push back, blah blah, inspirational diatribe, meaningless. At all costs you need to avoid negative emotions such as resentment, regret and self-pity, for they would deny you what is essential to your nature: straightforwardness. Advice. Great. Oh it's advice guided by the stars! I'd better listen.
Mentally Arians are intellectual and objective, but can be in rare situations bigoted and extremist in religion and politics. Yeah, true. Although this can describe a liberal or a conservative, or even a passionate moderate. Liberals can be just as bigoted and extremist as conservatives and they'll never admit it, and conservatives think their bigotry and extremism is intellectual and objective. So basically, you have a worthless statement that describes just about everyone. "People pick sides and beliefs and passionately defend them at all costs!" Sounds like 99.98% of the population to me... They are good champions of lost causes and last-ditch resistance. Nah, I'm a godless neoconservative bastard. I want the world to be globalized, and that's certainly no "lost cause". On the other hand, I don't give up on people and keep stubbornly hoping to inspire goodness or open minded thinking in others even if they resist till the end. So, 50/50, like everything else. They are quick-witted but sometimes foolhardy and over optimistic, lacking thoroughness and the ability to evaluate difficulties in the undertakings into which they often rush impulsively. I'm not particularly quick witted, so I compensate by storing up a lot of useful information and comedic material for appropriate moments. I'm optimistic but realistic. I'm not very thorough, but I'm pretty good at evaluating difficulties and planning ahead most of the time. Again, not impulsive, very cautious I am, as is obvious from the way I am reading this horoscope. I wonder if any of these things ever use the words "long term strategic thinking", or is that a no-no in the astrological community? The great need of Aries natives is to exercise an iron self-control, to discipline the qualities and tendencies of their character to the advantage, not the detriment, of the society in which they move. People have commented on my iron will and self-control. I love how this absolutely contradicts the clap-trap about being so sexually motivated you can't control yourself and become promiscuous and loose.
As an Arian, you like a challenge that will stir you to action. This challenge may just be frustration; or at a more controlled level, you may have clear direction and know what or whom you're fighting for. If your direction is not clear, then ask yourself and listen to your inner voice. I almost laughed out loud reading this. You may have a strong will to fight for a very clear cause, if not, sit down and think of a cause to fight for. Otherwise this horoscope would be wrong about you. You will come up with an answer. An Arian without a direction in which to go, or a without a cause to fight for, would be against your nature and make you more a "sheep" then a ram! Uh-huh.
Arian, do not be afraid to be forceful, for this is the very core of your nature. Advice. If you feel fear in your heart, then look for a history of negative events in you personal history, such as violence or abuse from others. Advice. Being fearful may also indicate a household in childhood that negated independence and personal initiative in you. I love how horoscopes love to use the word 'may'. "This or that may be true about you, unless this is the case". Anyway, personal responsibility and accountability, along with initiative, were something that my father beat into me (literally) from day one. Good old Eastern European work ethic. This could have inhibited your natural urge to go forward into life as the leader and champion you were born to be. Yeah, although I was project manager for space shuttle payloads projects working with NASA by the time I was 17, and head of the aerospace organization that developed the experiments by 18. Conversely, such bad influences could also have led you to be overly forceful, or to be unsympathetic to your own need and sensitivity. Nah, I'm a big baby really. I make it known what I want and usually I want it now.
You make good athletes and climbers, doctors, explorers (of new ideas as well as uncharted territory, the latter in these days including adventuring into outer space), soldiers, sailors and airmen, and leaders, though awkward subordinates, in industry and politics. How can you make a good soldier, airmen, or sailor if you are an awkward subordinate? While I began as a physics student, my artistic inclinations overpowered my scientific ones, and I am now in love with film. I'm also mildy overweight (mildy being my word for it).
Much as you are the Ram, there is still the little lamb in you, which means that at times you would attain your goals more easily by gently giving in without resistance to the demands of a given social situation, rather than getting your horns entangled in something larger and more powerful than yourself. Uh... whatever, ok. This is a talent akin to knowing the difference between what you can change, and what you cannot. Mmmhmm. This of course takes patience, the acquiring of which is definitely your greatest achievement, along with your sense of your own inner softness. Good to know. Thank you, Jupiter!
Possible Health Concerns...
Aries governs the head and brain, and Arians are said to be prone to headaches, particularly migraines, sunstroke, neuralgia and depression. Another laugh out loud moment. Aside from the fact that I almost never get headaches, sunstroke is something everyone is susceptible to. And no, I've never had sunstroke. Maybe it's because I'm only 20 years old. Maybe it's because I wear a hat when I go to the beach. Maybe it's because horoscopes are silly. I have been depressed before, but I'm not exactly "prone" to it. Who has never in their life been depressed? Is this something that only Aries experience? Actually, I don't believe it says that such problems are exclusive to Aries. Indigestion and nervous disorders are also threats to you, and your rashness, impetuosity and wholesale physical commitment make you liable to accidents and physical injuries. No broken bones, although once I dislocated my toe. Accidents and physical injury aren't governed by the stars. They are governed by being stupid at the wrong moment.
You like extremes. Physical, emotional and mental, and benefit profoundly by experiencing them; but if your extremism goes too far beyond social acceptability, then expect to be extremely lonely. Yay.

So basically we have a compilation of very subtle, intentionally vague language that only sounds specific when reading it at a glance. A bunch of half truths (and many complete untruths), and some generally reasonable advice about being a person in society.

 

[bagtaggar]

So what does one conclude? Did the ancient Babylonian mystics, armed with their primitive astrolabes, papyrus charts, beads, feathers, and scented oils actually tap into some deep, fundamental truth about the cosmos through sheer virtue of their faith? Do the motions of distant heavenly bodies really affect such complex things as our daily interactivity, our emotional lives, our personalities? Does the day we are born determine our fate?
Or rather, is this all part of an ancient and clever game used to make people appear empowered by an invisible hand in order to make money and influence the world around them.
I got into a rather heated discussion with a fellow coworker the day I wrote this analysis. What I realized is, it is absolutely unavoidable to have a conviction that you will believe in and defend with your life. This is a part of human nature of which people have varying degrees of awareness. Everyone will develop a conviction, a set-in-stone belief that they will carry to their grave. With this in mind, even the cautious individual with a critical intellect will develop a set of convictions and beliefs. It's whether or not those beliefs will include burning bushes, galactic emperors commiting genocide against an alien population, or a man rising from a rock, ascending to heaven.
While I cannot speak for all skeptics, critical thinkers, scientists, and open minded inquirers, I will say this: if there is one thing to believe, it is that the truth will always prevail. And truth comes about through honesty, goodness, and a sense of chivalry, a sense of responsibility towards the betterment of others.

 

[Kell]

it is absolutely unavoidable to have a conviction that you will believe in and defend with your life. This is a part of human nature of which people have varying degrees of awareness. Everyone will develop a conviction, a set-in-stone belief that they will carry to their grave.

I strongly agree; it is human nature to desire absolutes.

With this in mind, even the cautious individual with a critical intellect will develop a set of convictions and beliefs. It's whether or not those beliefs will include burning bushes, galactic emperors commiting genocide against an alien population, or a man rising from a rock, ascending to heaven.

Personally, what concerns me more is whether those beliefs require validation via the oppression of those who don't share them.

I will say this: if there is one thing to believe, it is that the truth will always prevail. And truth comes about through honesty, goodness, and a sense of chivalry, a sense of responsibility towards the betterment of others.

Gosh, you sound like such an Aries

 

[David Swidler]

Perfect timing, Kell. That was a gem.

 

[Kaydens]

Well I have to say that that Horoscope seemed to describe me quite well Bagtagger. Such a shame I'm Sagitarian!