Friendships destroyed by drugs

[Cainkane1]

I had a childhood friend who apparently got hooked on PCP and pot during his eight year stay in the army. When he got back from Vietnam I tried to resume the friendship. It didn't work. He was so high on this PCP of his that it made me physically sick to hear the sound of his voice. Ok so I quit hanging around him. Ok here he is again after thirty years. He looks a lot older than I do but he says he's a changed man. No more drugs or alcohol after his wife and daughter left him.

I said no. I said if he was willing to lose his family just so that he could use dope and get drunk then what would he do with a mere friend? I told him to write me off as a friend and to get other friends. It was too late for us because too many negative things had been said and done.

What do you guys think?

 

[Cleon]

I had a childhood friend who apparently got hooked on PCP and pot during his eight year stay in the army. When he got back from Vietnam I tried to resume the friendship. It didn't work. He was so high on this PCP of his that it made me physically sick to hear the sound of his voice. Ok so I quit hanging around him. Ok here he is again after thirty years. He looks a lot older than I do but he says he's a changed man. No more drugs or alcohol after his wife and daughter left him.

I said no. I said if he was willing to lose his family just so that he could use dope and get drunk then what would he do with a mere friend? I told him to write me off as a friend and to get other friends. It was too late for us because too many negative things had been said and done.

So the guy tells you that he fixed himself up, and you didn't even give him a chance. You just wrote him off for things he did 30 years ago.

What do you guys think?

Frankly, that you're a jerk.

 

[Monketi Ghost]

I work with addicts all the time at the hospital. They are often: supremely manipulative, full of insincere apologies that fool the gullible, drug-seeking (and believe me, this causes lots of problems for those who genuinely are in pain and do need the medication), excuse-making, I'll-do-better-next-timers.

In fact I just spent a 12 hour shift taking care of one of them. Waste of skin, the guy is. The skin without needle tracks that is.

I lost three close friends to heroin while just staying a pot-head. We all make choices.

 

[Vic Vega]

It was too late for us because too many negative things had been said and done.

Such as?

 

[fuelair]

So the guy tells you that he fixed himself up, and you didn't even give him a chance. You just wrote him off for things he did 30 years ago.



Frankly, that you're a jerk.

You might be wrong there - I would need a lot more info to decide that. For my reasons see the post under yours I am quoting - that is frequently the behavior of the "ex-Xers" of many types

 

[Gate2501]

I had a childhood friend who apparently got hooked on PCP and pot during his eight year stay in the army. When he got back from Vietnam I tried to resume the friendship. It didn't work. He was so high on this PCP of his that it made me physically sick to hear the sound of his voice. Ok so I quit hanging around him. Ok here he is again after thirty years. He looks a lot older than I do but he says he's a changed man. No more drugs or alcohol after his wife and daughter left him.

I said no. I said if he was willing to lose his family just so that he could use dope and get drunk then what would he do with a mere friend? I told him to write me off as a friend and to get other friends. It was too late for us because too many negative things had been said and done.

What do you guys think?

PCP is pretty hardcore, but I smoke pot occasionally and I am a pretty good father, devoted to my kid. I also drink a 6 pack one or two nights out of the week. I know, I'm so bad.

I doubt that he was "willing to lose his family just so that he could use dope and get drunk". That sounds a lot more like your opinion of his character, than the reality of the situation(unless he is different from the other addicts I have known). Most people who are addicted to hardcore drugs like meth/heroin/PCP(?) have had their will completely broken. I doubt he was "willing" to do anything at all.

 

[Cleon]

You might be wrong there - I would need a lot more info to decide that. For my reasons see the post under yours I am quoting - that is frequently the behavior of the "ex-Xers" of many types

I understand that addicts (particularly destructive ones) have a habit of being less than truthful. I don't discount anything you or Magnifico are saying.

But rather than get more information and determine whether or not the acquaintance really had cleaned himself up (which can and does happen), Cainkane just blew him off.

So unless there's a bit of information Cainkane didn't provide, I'll stand by my opinion that he acted like a jerk.

 

[Gate2501]

I work with addicts all the time at the hospital. They are often: supremely manipulative, full of insincere apologies that fool the gullible, drug-seeking (and believe me, this causes lots of problems for those who genuinely are in pain and do need the medication), excuse-making, I'll-do-better-next-timers.

In fact I just spent a 12 hour shift taking care of one of them. Waste of skin, the guy is. The skin without needle tracks that is.

Maybe you should go tell your employer that you are done taking care of "waste of skin drug addicts"? You probably shouldn't be taking care of people that you loathe. It seems wrong.

 

[Monketi Ghost]

With you to a point, Cleon. I can speak to experience with lots of addicts and their behavior though... it's rarely worth it. And if the guy really has cleaned up and is a better man, great on him. But he is also prepared to accept that the friendships he took a crap on, no matter how long ago, may be gone and not redeemable. Acceptance isn't just a step in dealing with death...

 

[Monketi Ghost]

Maybe you should go tell your employer that you are done taking care of "waste of skin drug addicts"? You probably shouldn't be taking care of people that you loathe. It seems wrong.

Never work in a hospital setting? I can have sympathy for and be personally repulsed by people I feel are just useless. My taxes pay for a lot of the folks I have to handle, for their care, and housing, and meals... and after you've been spat on or cussed out because you wouldn't provide what the doctors said they can't have etc. etc. it wears very thin.

What would be wrong would be to refuse to care for them.

 

[Cleon]

With you to a point, Cleon. I can speak to experience with lots of addicts and their behavior though... it's rarely worth it.

You work in a hospital. You see addicts at their worst. If they clean up years later, well, you don't see that part. It's a bit of a self-selecting sample, really.

And if the guy really has cleaned up and is a better man, great on him. But he is also prepared to accept that the friendships he took a crap on, no matter how long ago, may be gone and not redeemable. Acceptance isn't just a step in dealing with death...

Sure. There's nothing requiring that Cainkain talk to him.

I still maintain that blowing him off without getting more information is acting like a jerk, though.

I have a cousin who is a former heroin addict. If people treated her the way Cainkain treated his former friend, she'd likely still be addicted and living in a cardboard box somewhere (or worse). Instead, she got help, and is now a well-respected journalist and author.

You may not see it during your day job, but recovery does happen, and quite a bit can happen over three decades.

 

[TJM]

The guy might be in some sort of recovery program like a 12 step. Sometimes part of the process is to mend fences with those they've hurt in the past.

Just a thought.

 

[Safe-Keeper]

I've got friends who are former narcotics and I love them - in fact, they're among the best buddies I've got. Easy for me to say, though, who don't have to deal with anyone who actually presently is a narcotic (especially when I loathe drunk people with a passion).

On balance, though, I say give him a chance, and if you do write him off, do so because of whatever he may have done to you, not just because he used to be a junkie.

I lost three close friends to heroin while just staying a pot-head. We all make choices.

Yes, we all make choices, and one of the things I cherish with humanity is one's ability to treat others as equals even though you don't consider them to be as smart as you.

 

[Monketi Ghost]

You work in a hospital. You see addicts at their worst. If they clean up years later, well, you don't see that part. It's a bit of a self-selecting sample, really. *snip*
...You may not see it during your day job, but recovery does happen, and quite a bit can happen over three decades.

You're right. Not just a bit of self-selecting samplage, as I read your post, but 100 percent. And it was somewhat unfair to those who go right and stay right.

In my personal experience however, those who don't die have not gone on to be much more than barely sustained junkies.

As for the hospital? You are correct that all I see are people at their worst, and that makes me uninterested in dealing with certain personality types.

I should say, but for my decision never to use heroin or cocaine, I might've been a sick, shaky addict myself. If pot had an equal potential for addiction I might have been one...

 

[Monketi Ghost]

I've got friends who are former narcotics and I love them - in fact, they're among the best buddies I've got. Easy for me to say, though, who don't have to deal with anyone who actually presently is a narcotic (especially when I loathe drunk people with a passion).

On balance, though, I say give him a chance, and if you do write him off, do so because of whatever he may have done to you, not just because he used to be a junkie.

Yes, we all make choices, and one of the things I cherish with humanity is one's ability to treat others as equals even though you don't consider them to be as smart as you.

Saw what you first wrote, but I'll address this instead. I won't treat addicts as equal to me, ever. Not when they're in the throes of the addiction anyways; they've debased themselves so much I'd have to lose a lot of self-respect to be on the same level.

It's asking for an embarrassing, what-was-I-thinking situation.

 

[Cainkane1]

Such as?

Screaming in my face for no reason. Stealing property from me and some things so bad that I don't feel comfortable discussing them in this forum. It was not just me. It was his girlfriend, later on his wife and his own daughter. He borrowed money from me he never intended to pay back. He actually broke into my house and I had to have him arrested. Its been a long time but some things stick with you. He never kept his word and was in fact a liar. I don't care how long ago it was. I'm not going through that again.

 

[Personal Grudge]

Having experienced friendships with both addicts and former-addicts... I can certainly empathize with the lack of trust that develops. However, when confronted with someone who claims to have cleaned up, I see more than just the following two options:

1) Turn the person away, wanting nothing to do with them.
2) Welcome them into my home with open arms.

There is always the possibility of meeting with them in more neutral social settings on occasion... a dinner at a restaurant on occasion. I would make it known that proof is in the pudding... I don't accept this change and recovery until it is proven to me. My family and home would be off-limits until I was satisfied with the former-addict's behavior.

This, of course, depends entirely on previous experience with this individual. If a former friend had broken into my home as Cainkane relates, I imagine my reaction may be identical.

 

[Cleon]

You're right. Not just a bit of self-selecting samplage, as I read your post, but 100 percent. And it was somewhat unfair to those who go right and stay right.

In my personal experience however, those who don't die have not gone on to be much more than barely sustained junkies.

As for the hospital? You are correct that all I see are people at their worst, and that makes me uninterested in dealing with certain personality types.

I should say, but for my decision never to use heroin or cocaine, I might've been a sick, shaky addict myself. If pot had an equal potential for addiction I might have been one...

Fair 'nuff.

 

[Cainkane1]

I understand that addicts (particularly destructive ones) have a habit of being less than truthful. I don't discount anything you or Magnifico are saying.

But rather than get more information and determine whether or not the acquaintance really had cleaned himself up (which can and does happen), Cainkane just blew him off.

So unless there's a bit of information Cainkane didn't provide, I'll stand by my opinion that he acted like a jerk.

Suit yourself but I'm the type of person who believes there should be negative consequences to negative behaviours. It really doesn't matter to me if he has cleaned himself up. After the way he acted I feel he doesn't deserve the friendship of a person who has walked a straight line all of my life. I'm not perfect but I've never been one to hurt and use someone who has done nothing to me. When I had him arrested for breaking and entering my home and stealing my TV and some money etc a neighbor saw him and called police. I got my property back and he was put on probation. I told him to get out of my life and stay out. He came back 30 years later and I told him to stay away from me. He's stuck with my initial decision.

 

[Xulld]

Sounds like you had your answers before you made this thread.