Dennis Miller

[Supercharts]

What follows is an email that I received this morning. The author of the quote is purported to be Dennis Miller. [Well it sounds like him]

"TRYING TO HELP"
By Dennis Miller

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my little brain spinning like a top. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides, but I've detected a hint of confusion from some of you.

Maybe this can help.

As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice anyone ever gave me. He told me about the "KISS" method ("Keep It Simple, Stupid!"). So with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things and recognize a few important facts.

Here are ten things to consider when voicing an opinion on this
important issue:

(1) Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

(2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right things, keep this in mind: the UN has Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

(3) If you use a Google or Yahoo search and type in "French Military Victories," don't be surprised if your computer panicks at its inability to respond to your inquiry.

(4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No War For Oil," hire a pit bull lawyer and sue your school district for having allowed you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the minimum education that any non-troglodyte deserves

(5) You can take this one to the bank: Saddam and bin Laden will NOT seek UN approval before they try to kill us.

(6) Despite common belief among some, Martin Sheen is NOT the President. He only plays one on TV.

(7) If you are anti-war and even an outright "America Basher," to bin Laden you are still an "infidel" whom he wants dead.

(8) Be careful: if you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not in the danger that Hussein poses, the only job you may be able to get is as an Ivy League college professor.

(9) Even multi-culturalists who try to browbeat us into believing that all cultures are equally deserving of respect have trouble explaining the past 500 year of Islam.

(10) Whether you are for or against military action, our young men and women overseas are fighting to defend our right to speak out on these issues. They deserve our unreserved support.

I hope this helps.

 

[My Final Spider]

Seems not:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/miller.asp

"This particular offering did run in the Times Records News, the only newspaper in Wichita Falls, Texas. It appeared as a Letter to the Editor on 26 February 2003, with its author identified as W. Wayne Schields of Wichita Falls.

How the piece came to be attributed to Dennis Miller remains a mystery. We're left to suspect that someone, in an effort to imbue the essay with credibility, slapped the popular comedian's name onto something he particularly liked and wanted others to likewise appreciate. "

 

[Ladyhawk]

I've been a fan of Dennis Miller's for sometime...going back to his SNL days. I agree that some of the more caustic overspill of DM's sarcasm is conspicuously absent. Still, whether this 'rant' is Mr. Millers or not, I enjoyed it! I especially appreciated points 5 and 7!

 

[Upchurch]

(3) If you use a Google or Yahoo search and type in "French Military Victories," don't be surprised if your computer panicks at its inability to respond to your inquiry.

Did just that and found this wonderful parady.

My favorite, about midway down the page:

French Military Victories History

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

[Bearguin]

(10) Whether you are for or against military action, our young men and women overseas are fighting to defend our right to speak out on these issues. They deserve our unreserved support.

Amen (can I say that here) to this last point.

 

[Segnosaur]

Re: Re: Dennis Miller

Did just that and found this wonderful parady.

My favorite, about midway down the page:

A few days ago, you would have found something even funnier....

If you typed "French Military Victories" into google, and clicked on "I feel lucky", Google would have come back with a page saying "I don't Understand. Do you mean 'French Military Defeats'?"

Obviously the google people must have gotten some flack over it. Now it brings you to your above page.

Wonder what other secrets are hidden in Google?

 

[Segnosaur]

I believe it was Dennis Miller who said:

"The only smoking gun I'm interested in seeing is the one that just shot Saddam."

 

[kourama]

I agree that the troops deserve our support. Especially from Canadians like me, who's own military has withered thanks to a lack of interest or funding from our dumbass government. Anyone willing to die to protect me has my respect.

As for the rest of it, it's a buncha crap. Dennis Miller may be incorrect, but at least he's entertaining.

 

[DanishDynamite]

Excellent spoof. Amazing how someone can come up with 10 irrelevant points and make it look plausable that they are related to the question at hand. I expect some non-skeptics might even be taken in. Still, fabulous stuff.

 

[Jedi Knight]

lol

JK

 

[aerocontrols]

Re: Re: Re: Dennis Miller

A few days ago, you would have found something even funnier....

If you typed "French Military Victories" into google, and clicked on "I feel lucky", Google would have come back with a page saying "I don't Understand. Do you mean 'French Military Defeats'?"

Obviously the google people must have gotten some flack over it. Now it brings you to your above page.

Wonder what other secrets are hidden in Google?

Are you sure this was the case? I know people were making parody pages like this, though. Or this. You can do it with any old thing you want to.

MattJ

 

[corplinx]

I have never been a big Dennis Miller fan. I was a big fan of his writers during the SNL days. His talk show bombed rightfully. His HBO show was annoying. I didn't like him on football.

Just because he is behind the current effort to remove Saddam changes none of these opinions.

 

[Segnosaur]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Dennis Miller

Are you sure this was the case? I know people were making parody pages like this, though. Or this. You can do it with any old thing you want to.

MattJ

You could be right, but I did check the URL, and it still was on google (unless whomever created the page managed to hide the URL.)

The Google people have done this sort of thing before... A few months ago, you could type "go to hell" on their search page, and the first web site to pop up would be Microsoft. Like this french victory case, it disappeared after a day or so.

(Actually, the very first page actually looks like the google page.)