Confessions Of An Evil Atheist

Dr Adequate

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Jack Chick should do a tract about me.

With all the little footnotes to the relevant verses of the Bible, y'know?



Confessions Of An Evil Atheist

I must admit, I’m always thrilled
By evil --- though I’ve never killed
(Thus far, potential victims have escaped).
I’ve not committed genocide
--- So many sins I’ve never tried! ---
Or mugged or burgled, tortured, robbed or raped.

Still, I’m an atheist because
I love to flout Jehovah’s laws,
So there’s a lot of bad things that I’ve done.
Well, you just listen while I gloat
And list my crimes, and you will note
We evil types sure like our bit of fun.

I’ve interplanted corn and beans:
As True Believers know, this means
I’ve damned my soul for Satan’s Own Legume;
I eat the Devil’s lobster, shun
The locusts that God’s blessing’s on:
My choice of arthropods has sealed my doom.

I’ve never tried to sacrifice
A sheep, so sunk am I in vice,
And burnt its flesh to honor God above,
I’ve touched a woman, I’m fairly sure,
When she was ritually impure,
But didn’t sacrifice a single dove.

And shocking though it is to say
I’ve picked up sticks on Saturday,
And sixthly --- how my list of sins does mount! ---
I keep committing usury
I do it all the time --- you see,
I have an interest-bearing bank account.

(This personal economy
Is banned in Deuteronomy
I like to do it just to make God mad.)
I think you’ll hardly be surprised
To learn my slaves aren’t circumcised ---
Heck, I don’t even own one --- ain’t that sad?

And chief among my sinful tricks
I’ve worn a cotton-nylon mix:
It’s comfy but it’s evil (don’t ask why).
And I and others of my ilk
Eat calves seethed in their mother’s milk
It’s sacrelicious --- man, you gotta try!

And worst of all, it must be said,
If I heard voices in my head
That said: "I am the one Almighty LORD ---
Go out and massacre a nation!
Obey on peril of damnation!
Put women, men and children to the sword."

--- I’d rather find a mental ward
And ask if they could spare a bed
Than undertake such bloody labor.
I must hate God. Or love my neighbor.
 
I'm sincerely impressed. :)

Still, as an Agnostic,
you might find me caustic
for not having the balls to just choose.
But it doesn't matter, whether or not, either
coz if you're not Christian, you lose. ;)
 
Orangutango said:
Ahhhh.... but since I, too, am an evil atheist... that would make him "good" in my opinion.;)
Click to expand...
yes, but to us the word "evil" meas "good", and "good", "evil".
So by calling him "good" you are calling him "evil", which means good, which means evil, which means good, which means evil, which means good, which means evil, which means good, which means evil, which means good, which means evil, which means good, which means evil.... bah my brain hurts.
 
My, my Dr A... it would truly take omnibenevolence to forgive such a horrible person. 'I’ve interplanted corn and beans'. I'm still struggling to understand there can be such sinister people in the world.

...thinking about it, however, some of the evil deeds would be more than a little troublesome to commit. Like eating calves seethed in their mother’s milk. You actually made sure the milk the calf was boiled in was from its mother?
 
Rufo said:
...thinking about it, however, some of the evil deeds would be more than a little troublesome to commit. Like eating calves seethed in their mother’s milk. You actually made sure the milk the calf was boiled in was from its mother?
Click to expand...
Well, if Dr A is anything, he's a dedicateted Evil Athiest.
 
Rufo said:
...thinking about it, however, some of the evil deeds would be more than a little troublesome to commit. Like eating calves seethed in their mother’s milk. You actually made sure the milk the calf was boiled in was from its mother?
Click to expand...

No kidding! I was thinking the best way to do this would be to boil a pregnant cow, but just think how troublesome it would be to find a pot that big. ;)
 
Thanks, everyone!

Rufo said:
...thinking about it, however, some of the evil deeds would be more than a little troublesome to commit. Like eating calves seethed in their mother’s milk. You actually made sure the milk the calf was boiled in was from its mother?
Click to expand...
This one's quite interesting.

The rabbis had the same puzzle as you: how likely is that?

So they interpreted it as meaning that you shouldn't mix meat and dairy products at all. So a cheeseburger isn't kosher even though all its ingredients are. Kosher kitchens have two sets of pans, one for meat, one for dairy. There are some restaurants which demonstrate their kosher credentials by being exclusively meat or exclusively dairy.

Now, the twist in the tale is this. A few years ago, someone dug up a set of clay tablets setting out the rituals of some Semitic godess (Astarte / Ishtar, I think). And one of them was seething a calf in its mother's milk.

Ahhhh ...

Now it makes sense.

But the interpretation of the law still stands, and Jews still can't eat cheeseburgers.
 
I've heard of that interpretation too, but just in case it's not correct, can we assume an Evil™ person like yourself is really making sure your cheeseburger consists of flesh from a calf and cheese made from the milk of that calf's mother?

In case you really do, I might have to change my mind about atheism not being a religion. :rolleyes:
 
The rabbis had the same puzzle as you: how likely is that?

So they interpreted it as meaning that you shouldn't mix meat and dairy products at all.

I can see it now:

--MOSES! MOSES!
--What?
--CAN YOU HEAR ME?
--I hear you, I hear you, a deaf man could hear you...
--WHAT???
--Never mind. What is it, God?
--THOU SHALL NOT EAT A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK.
--You mean, not to eat ANY milk products with ANY meat products?
--NO, THOU SHALL NOT EAT A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK.
--You mean, to have to wait six hours between eating meat and eating milk?
--NO, THOU SHALL NOT EAT A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK!
--You mean, to have two sets of dishes, one for milk and one for meant, and if a knife from one touches the plate from another, to bury it for three days and...
--SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....
--YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MOSES? DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT...
 
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