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Bully for me (a little long)

LibraryLady

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I get my nails done, maybe three or four times a year, usually for a special occasion, once in a while just for the luxury of it. This past Wednesday, I needed a treat and went to the manicurist.

I started going to Harriet six or seven years ago, and when I first sat down at her little work station, she stared at me and said, “I know you. I know I know you. Give me time.” I didn’t know her from Eve (well, I’d say Adam, but…). Finally, she exclaimed my name. I still didn’t know her. “Harriet X from Old Court Junior High School!” she said.

I immediately flashed back to one of the worst years of my life, eighth grade.

I was the new kid in school, and they put me in a “slow” class because of the difficulties I had at my previous school. My parents decided to move to the county, after they discovered I was being pushed around, offered drugs, and “losing” my lunch money on a regular basis. My grades plummeted. Seriously, like C’s and D’s. The counselor at Old Court looked at my transcript and allotted me accordingly.

So, there I was, this geeky, bookish, city kid, who didn’t know how to dress cool or talk cool and who wore thick glasses. I was toast. Well done toast.

Our class was actually one half of a larger class which did some of our subjects together. Unfortunately, in the other half of this unit was a girl named Susan N. Susan had bleached hair that looked just like Twiggy’s, great clothes, and a posse. One of the posse was Harriet the manicurist, but she was actually a minor player. Susan took one look at me and I was her target for the next nine months.

I had been bullied before, but this was extraordinary. The verbal abuse, locker sabotaging, tripping as I walked down the hall was bad enough. I couldn’t talk in class, because if I tried to answer a question, the laughter would drown me out. Every time. I had obscene songs sung to me in gym class. To this day, the song by the Box Tops, “The Letter,” brings it all back. I told my parents about it, and they spoke to the counselor, but there didn’t seem to be any action. I was told by one teacher that it was all my fault; I just needed to be friendlier to them.

Luckily, my written work was stellar and I got straight A’s easily. The next year I was put into an accelerated class and told the year before was all a mistake. Um, yeah. I still saw Susan and her little herd in the halls, but had met up with some nice peers and was actually participating in class.

The year after that I went to Milford Mill high school, and happily, all of those girls went to the brand new Randallstown High School. High school was great.

In my sophomore year at Milford, I got very sick and ran a high fever. My mother was sitting by my bed; she was debating whether to call my father at work, and we were listening to the radio. They broke into programming with a news flash; there had been a horrible accident. A car had flown off an overpass and landed on another car on the Jones Falls Expressway. The car had been full of teenagers, and one of them was killed. There was also a kid in the trunk of the car, and drugs were found. They landed on another car and killed the father of a boy I knew. The girl who was killed was Susan N.

And now Harriet was looking at me across a manicurist’s table. After we stared at each other for a few minutes, she broke the silence by apologizing for the abuse. She, as I’ve said, was a minor player, and I had no trouble saying, “Hey, it’s been a long time, don’t worry about it.” Then we talked about Susan.

Harriet told me about a Susan I didn’t know. Her mother was single, and there were three kids, two girls and a boy. The mother had decided that children are perfectly capable of making all of their own decisions. The kids decided when they would come home at night, where they would spend the night, who they would hang with, and what they did. Susan was the oldest. Bear in mind, she was thirteen at the time of the bullying. We know how Susan died. Her brother died of a drug overdose. Her sister apparently got a grip and managed to survive her childhood.

When I saw Harriet the other day, she told me two more members of that group just died of drug overdoses. They were my age, 52.

I understand that now bullying is taken more seriously and the children who are bullies have their home life looked at. At least, this is what I hear from my nieces who are teachers. I hope so.

Are there other victims of bullying on the forums?
 
Of course not. Public schools are very nice places for skinny, geeky gay boys who get very good grades and have very bad eyesight and move every couple of years so they never have any friends.

But eighth grade seems to be the worst year of all. I only remember one or two of the names of the worst tormentors, but I can cheerfully state that should their paths cross mine tomorrow, seventeen years later, those people had better pray to whatever gods they believe in because I will do everything in my considerably evil imagination to wreak a revenge so horrific that it will drive any witnesses insane with terror. Did they come from broken homes? Did they have dreadful reasons for being as they were? I don't care, and neither will the vultures!

Not that I'm one to bear grudges, of course.
 
Occasionally I was because of glasses and a briefcase. Generally, it did not last too long though. My appearance - even now - leads to misinterpretation of my abilities (just example: I knew bayonet use long before I was drafted - and recognized that most people initiated actions way too slowly). Other than a sort, sharp demonstration to a large 17 year old behind me in chow line who decided (for the usual reasons) he could take out his basic training frustrations on me - resulting in him walking with a limp for 3 days after being struck just under the knee with my helmet swung backwards so he had no warning it was coming- I have not had to do damage to anyone since that time. I know that doesn't help most bullying victims - since many are as they appear unfortunately but...made my life safer after word got around.
 
I was bullied once, in 2nd grade by a kid in 6th grade. he had the pleasure and humiliation of being beaten up by the smallest kid in school.

I was small and had a big, smart mouth which made me a target but I also had 6 older siblings who beat on me regularly so I knew how to take care of myself. Besides, I love fighting and I love it even more if there is a chance I might lose or if I get hurt while doing it.

I fought a lot but it was always with bullies. Some picked me, others picked kids weaker than them and I stepped in. I would fight anyone, anywhere and anytime.

My theory has always been that in order to beat a bully you have to be meaner and nastier. I loved watching the first fight between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield where Holyfield's trainer can be heard telling him "Your the bully here, not him!" He understood the concept.

So, I guess I was a bully bully.
 
I was an Army brat. I graduated from the 9th school district I attended... I was always the new kid.

Yes, I was bullied. Even in the very nice private school I attended in Venezuela.

The worst was when we had to live in a small town of Weston, MO while my dad attended the Command and General Staff College in Ft. Leavenworth across the river in Kansas. It sucked to be a half way intelligent kid who had not been born in that town, and actually came from California (Ft. Ord)... oh, and had curly hair (apparently that was a "no no" in the mid-sixties). I take every opportunity as an adult to "disrespect" that town now (it was the largest tobacco growing area west of the Mississippi, had the only legal distillery in the state of Missouri... McCormick's , and still had wild hemp growing there from the time they used that in WWII... Oh, and the farms between it and the Missouri River were run by the several prisons in Leavenworth and Ft. Leavenworth --- oh, yeah... a really "great" place).

(side note: My brother on the other hand had an opposite experience in that same "RS" or "rural school" district. Since he had been bullied in the private parochial school he went to in California (because of school violence in Seaside, my dad sent him to a private school... which despite the bullies, my brother is still fond of the teachers there!)... he decided to project an aura of super coolness! He went back several years later and found out that there were rumors of him and his friends doing things like having big parties that he never did, nor would have ever think of doing... but it seemed to be expected of his "Big Man on Campus" image.)

I am amazed on how well the middle schools handle bully culture these days. They do really try to get a handle on it. There is an active anti-bully program going on all the time. A couple of years ago they had the auther of Odd Girl Out come to the school to talk to kids and parents (in the evening).

Even my special needs kid has avoided most of the bullying I encountered. He has been bullied... but he gets defended by other kids (some of which are surprising to me!).
 
I was bullied in my first 2 years at high school.

By being a clown and amusing people I got into the in crowd, and I am ashamed to say became one of the bullies myself.
 
My daughter's both went to a school where a young girl committed suicide after allegedly being bullied. There was a huge, national media frenzy over this and the girl's mother made the talk show circuit in the US speaking out against bullying. They even made a documentary about it.

The interesting part in this is that a few years earlier, I lived in the same townhouse complex as this woman and her family. Her daughter, the one that committed suicide, bullied my youngest daughter constantly. When I went to talk to this woman about the problem, she slammed the door in my face.

http://home.socal.rr.com/huntingtonbeach/bully.html

I have not seen the documentary and have no desire to. I think the resulting focus on bullying in school has been good but it disgusts me that some many lies have to be told.
 
I was bullied during years 7 - 11 at school and at home though out my childhood. Not to mention a few times at work.

Lucky it is not practised as much at work anymore. There are now rules against it.
 
Yup, bullied plenty around 1966-1974. Toothless school administration, a father who told me to "ignore them" until they broke a molar. We moved away the next year. I still bear considerable rage towards bullies.
 
I was very lucky. I was a small skinny geek with NHS glasses (the crappy black plastic framed things) and probably would have been bullied had it not been for three things.

1. There were two boys in my class who were very big for our age group, at age 11 one of them was over 6' tall, the other was about 5'9" and built like a brick outhouse! I was good friends with both of them.

2. I was good at sports, very fast and agile.

3. My sister went out with the school's most notorious bully. As an example of the fear that this guy engendered, my sister's bag was stolen once, and found half an hour later in the boys' toilets with everything still inside, including a fair bit of money! Whoever had taken it must have looked inside, seen my sister's name on her books, realised who she was and who her boyfriend was and decided that it wasn't worth the pain.
 
As the skinny bright kid with few social skills I was bullied mercilessly for years, until at the age of 14 or so I suddenly shot up and out to 6'2" and about 14 stone. I found myself playing rugby for the first XV and that taught me a lot about taking care of myself... I found a few well-placed punches on the pitch got the message across pretty well. In fact, the only circumstances in which I've ever exchanged blows have been when things have heated up on the pitch. Fortunately, as it's hardly dignified.
 
I was bullied in my first 2 years at high school.

By being a clown and amusing people I got into the in crowd, and I am ashamed to say became one of the bullies myself.

Bullied on and off for about 9 years. One of the results was the same as with Stewart here: Getting to become a clown (good thing) but unfortunately also starting to bully others. I did have friends, and I could be nice... But occassionally, I could also be a surprisingly big ass, especially considering my lack of muscles. (Didn't get glasses until I was 14, so that pretty much changed nothing). At least I was tall enough to not look 100% like a target, only about 85%.

But those few occassions also eventually led me to take a pretty damn good look at myself, and helped me in the resolve of becoming a pacifist. Well, I possibly would have become that anyway, but the memories of those certain occassions when the bullied became the bully did help. Still, I'd rather have become one the not-that-kind-of-hard way.
 
I was bullied once, in 2nd grade by a kid in 6th grade. he had the pleasure and humiliation of being beaten up by the smallest kid in school.

I was small and had a big, smart mouth which made me a target but I also had 6 older siblings who beat on me regularly so I knew how to take care of myself. Besides, I love fighting and I love it even more if there is a chance I might lose or if I get hurt while doing it.

I fought a lot but it was always with bullies. Some picked me, others picked kids weaker than them and I stepped in. I would fight anyone, anywhere and anytime.

My theory has always been that in order to beat a bully you have to be meaner and nastier. I loved watching the first fight between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield where Holyfield's trainer can be heard telling him "Your the bully here, not him!" He understood the concept.

So, I guess I was a bully bully.

I just didn't have it in me to do such things. Also it was against the rules in pretty much every school I went to to ever stand up for myself. They often punished those who fought back worse than the person who started it. I can see the wisdom in just letting things alone. I'm not big on making sure I "get respect" really, so if I'm merely threatened, I just walk away, and if I'm "called out", I forget about it by the end of the day and end up leaving some idiot standing around waiting for me to show up for some fight I was ordered to attend (as if). But, if the fight has already started and I find myself in it (and that's always the way isn't it, nothing cool and standoffy like on the TV, fights are fast..., I've never been able to suddenly jump back and wax philosophical before unleashing the "big move"), well what exactly do they expect me to do? Apparently, the moral is that it's better to get beaten up than to get in trouble.

That said, I hate fighting, because it hurts, and the "challenge" just isn't worth it. So, instead I just avoided them every single time I could. So, I've only gotten into like a handful of incidents like that, total, in school. Still, bullying was a big problem for me. There's other ways to make someone feel worthless than physically overpowering them (though that will do the trick in a pinch, humans like to think they can defend themselves). There wasn't much to do to avoid stuff like that. So yeah, I was basically alone in terms of my "peers" back then. Yes, the administration was pretty much toothless about it. Yes, a couple of times I was actually blamed for it (by teachers who apparently never had a problem with such things in their youth). Yes, a few of them realized there was a problem, but you know, too busy to really handle it. So, I basically just barrelled through it until the end, but I can't say it ever got easy for me. I certainly had it easier than my mother from the horror stories she's told though. At any rate, I basically ran from class to class, keeping myself out of the halls as long as possible by simply packing ALL my learnin' materials in my backpack and not even bothering to use my locker. In the early years, recess was a fun period where I basically ran to some distant corner where no one else was and played around in the dirt (because I learned early on that hanging out in the lunch room during recess was simply not allowed), and then rushing to be front of the line simply because that's where the adults were. Class clowning only works if you are funny apparently, and my jokes weren't, so that was a failed experiment. Every year a new small group would (seem to) sort of bundle together to antagonize me the whole time (except for two nice years at a VERY small private school with a population so small that bullying just wasn't possible, nor was it wise as it would just reduce the already small sample of people you could call "friend", as well as it being more likely that the bully would just get ostrasized as a result of such actions, but unfortunalty that school closed and I went back to a big school again where it all started up anew). Oh yes, and I would note that after a certain point, I basically didn't even want anyone to be my friend. I wasn't clinging onto people desiring that and annoying them. At a certain point, I'd have been perfectly content if they just ignored me completely.

At any rate, I've moved on past all that. I don't bother holding any grudges against any of the individuals, though I do think some sort of reform would be in order. The one nagging question is simply one of logical curiosity. I could understand simply being one out of a group that was selected by fairly random social forces (such as me not having any siblings when I first started going to school and thus having zero socializing experience in that regard) and then from there simply being associated that way in a single school for years, but I moved every single year (pretty much). Now, I can't say that moving messed me up, because it didn't. Even as a kid I wasn't torn up about it. Even when I was only 10 I remember thinking to myself "On TV they always show those specials where someone has some emotional breakdown about moving all the time, but that's never been a problem for me, they must be wrong." (This was during the era when all sitcoms had to have these sorts of "moving life lessons" about kids based on assumptions transparent even to kids.) If anything, it gave me a fresh start every single year, an escape of sorts. Basically I'm saying I could never figure out "why". I should probably just move on from that too, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it just seems a little weird is all.

Oh, and I would note that I too experience a sense of sheer rage when I think of others being bullied. You know, the sort of flames engulfing the eyes and demonic surge of power shattering the earth around me kind of rage.
 
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I was bullied in somewhat minor ways on occasion, but nothing enrages me more than bullying that is sanctioned by school staff by what has been described--punishing victims, or failing to discipline bullies. Aside from the personal injustice to the victim... they are also performing a broader injustice to all the kids in the school, by teaching them to roll over for the tough guy. In fact, the bully is being screwed up as well--if they don't learn from their parents OR their school that naked aggression will get them in trouble, they're in jail as soon as they're 18, or even before. What a waste not to stop the behavior while the personality is still malleable. --And before they become an adult criminal with even more victims.
 
That's true too. I think it's important though for those who may not have had such an issue to understand that it's not the issue of one incident on a playground. A single instance of being called a name isn't the problem. It's that it happens constantly, almost every single day, that's the problem. That's what leads to the eventual total breakdown of a person as they run home crying to parents, if they are fortunate enough to have parents they can rely on in this fasion as I was. It's when every single day your only real concern is just getting through it until the end. That's when personality and grades start to suffer for it.

At any rate, the tolerance of it, in those cases where it is tolerated, seems to stem from thinking it's "no big deal". I'm sure drilling a small hole in someone's toe, from the outside in terms of pure physics, doesn't seem that big a deal either. I mean what are they screaming about? Now THAT is some powerful hyperbole, sorry. I've had people tell me to "just toughen up" a few times and a few others tell me I needed to "be more open to them". Apart from the fact that these two recommendations are inherantly contradictory in nature, it seems they have no basis in reality. Why would any sane person want to open up to those constantly belittling them? The only response I had was to become a stone wall to it all and suspect everyone. I'm sure as a result I hurt some feelings though. In retrospect I can think of many times when the person was most likely being genuinely nice, but there had been too many cases of a sort of strange sarcasm type of bullying, where they were nice to me as some sort of odd joke, that I just couldn't really trust those cases of niceness. At any rate, this leads to the other thing, that apparently some thought I really deserved what I got because I came off as "smug" or "stuck up". I'm not sure what it is about someone hiding themselves away from everyone else that gives off that impression. I would have thought I'd be labelled shy for that. At any rate all it shows is that I learned nothing about acting like a decent human being and living in an actual outside world social setting by being subjected to such an environment. Fortunatly, where I'm at now, I can see so very clearly what was impossible to see from "the inside", that the tiny society of the school yard is such an insignificant meaningless thing and no one of any importance cares if someone was class president or a football star in some tiny building somewhere. I can see much more obviously how very quickly all of that comes to an end, and no matter how popular or unpopular or however you are treated in those years, it all is meaningless and over with once you are in the outside world. Anything a kid ever learns about how "society" works in that little zoo-prison is quickly erased the second the outside world hits, excepting those lessons in the history books. That's about all that actually turned out useful to me, the book learnin'.

So yeah, I do in fact have some strong feelings associated with my time in school. And yes, those who tolerate it really don't seem to have any idea how bad it can really be. It can be worse, but that knowledge isn't too helpful while it's being endured.
 
Let's see ....

Only Asian Indian in sixty kids.
Glasses.
Braids.
Bookworm.

Mostly left alone, but for two incidents. One where someone was making fun of reincarnation, as they'd just figured out that those heathen hindus didn't believe in their judeo-christian god. It started at recess and continued as a whispered campaign in class. I stood up and announced that she had obviously been a tomato in her last life and left the class. The poor teacher, she'd never seen a worm turn before. I got a written apology from the dumb b**ch who started the teasing.

In 7th grade, a girl spent an entire day torturing me - kicking, throwing salt and sugar at me in class, spitting, tripping, snot-ass comments. We were waiting to exit a class when she kicked me again. I whirled around and back-handed her. A catfight ensued (which I lost!).

But no one really bothered me after that.

One boy was physically attacking a girl in kindergarden in Blue2's school. The response from the school was fairly useless and I think partially driven by the ethnic origins of the people involved - the little boy is a WASP and his parents born in the area, while the little girl is hispanic with foreign-born parents. The little girl has since been taking karate lessons, and I have no doubts that the little boy is in for a surprise if he thinks to repeat last year's activities.

There are two little girls in Blue2's class who are developing their manipulative and bullying skills. Mr.Blue and I have been giving Blue2 role plays, as have at least one other set of parents, to deal with the little monsters. Blue2 has a list of responses in the event of bullying - get near a grown-up; or if not possible, a group of people; or if not possible AND the person is trying to hurt you physically, deck them.

Mr.Blue was short in grade school, and thin and tall in junior high. His response to any bullying was immediate drastic physical retaliation. If you break someone's nose at the beginning of the year in New Jersey you don't get bothered for the rest of the year. :)

I don't know how I would have handled the ongoing bullying experienced by LL and Dark Jaguar.
 
I don't know how I would have handled the ongoing bullying experienced by LL and Dark Jaguar.
Use the Joe Pesci method.
I'll crack your friggin' skull open! And, just about the time you're getting outta the hospital, I'll be getting outa jail. And, ya know what? I'll crack your friggin' skull open again!
 

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