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An Open Letter To Extraterrestrials

Let's see if we can come up with some good answers to his questions. Then email it to him/her/it. E.g:

How heavily are you monitoring us? All of us? or some of us?

We monitor attractive Earthlings when they shower.

Are people being mind controlled overtly? I know they are covertly but are you involved? Who is involved? do you know?

I made you ask that.

What can we do to maintain our rights to Life and Liberty which we all believe in so much?

NOTHING. You are doomed to become our helpless slaves. BWAHAHAHA!
 
Oooh. Fun.


Do you consider yourselves gods?

Not really, but this one time Jeff and I got so trashed that we spent several years turning into various animals and impregnating women in ancient Greece.

Are you extra-dimensional?

No, we live in the regular old 67-dimensional world that you do.

How old is your recorded history?

It's...like...really old and stuff. Most of it is recorded on Betamax.

Can I read some of it?

You mean you have a Betamax machine we can use?!

Is our bible inspired by somebody or something?

Yes. It is inspired by the desire of a primitive culture to believe in something above and beyond itself so that life becomes more manageable. You probably weren't expecting that.

Was there ever a civilization on Mars?

Our Martian friends once had a thriving civilization based entirely on the continuous consumption of banana bread. Unfortunately once they gained the ability to look into the future they saw the horror that was the movie "Mission to Mars" and left the solar system for good.
 
How old is your recorded history? Can I read some of it?
I doubt it, considering you can't seem to even read your own culture's basic science texts.
 
Wait till we've answered all his questions.

Do you take any drugs? Generally are they injected, or taken orally?

We are addicted to the blood of humans, which we suck out of your severed jugulars using one of those bendy straws.

Do you have any evidence that you can give us of your existence, can you send me a photograph of yourself or of the interior of your craft?

We don't give people evidence any more --- the government always has them killed so as to Suppress The Truth. They do that, you know.

What is the political structure of the society you live in? Is it something we would be familiar with here on earth?

It is based on the ancient cosmic principle of enslaving inferior races and eating them.

Are there sins? Is there Hell? Is there Heaven? Do our souls live beyond the death of our body?

Oh boy, has someone been pulling YOUR leg!

Do our souls live forever? Do we have souls?

Well, no and yes. You do have souls. They are rasberry-flavoured and slightly crunchy. Yum. Forever? Let me put it this way --- how long does it take you to eat one of your primitive Terran "cashew nuts"?
 
Imagine if we received these questions from aliens - maybe we would answer them like this:

Do you consider yourselves gods?
No we consider television celebrities, singers and film stars to be gods.

What about religion? what do you believe?
Imagine the wackiest stuff you can possible think of - someone somewhere on our planet will believe it.

Do you know about the soundness of evolutionary theory? How about scientific manipulation of species.
Yes we know about it. Yes we know about that too.

Are you conditioning our culture?
No, we can't even manage our own. But we are planning on sending you Big Brother soon.

Can you tell me about the operation of different UFOs that are seen in our skies? How about craft we have never seen here? How advanced do you know of the technology of space/dimension/atmosphere aeronautics getting?
Sure. Would you like the control codes to our nuclear weapons while we're at it? Here I've got some money in my pocket, while not steal that too? Moron.

How old are you? How long do you live?
That's a little personal. Let's say I remember Falco releasing 'Rock me Amadeus'. We live as long as we can but George Bush is attempting to lower the average age

Where are you from?
Are you hitting on me?

Are you extra-dimensional?
Strange question. We exist in the dimensions in which we exist. Extra-dimensions are defined as dimensions in which we don't exist.

Do you travel through time?
Yes forward in linear fashion at the speed of 1 day/day. There some issues with relativity but these are generally quite complicated and most of our population is quite stupid so we ignore them and thus they don't affect us.

Are relativity and Quantum Theory sound? If not what is sound and what is incorrect with them?
Are they all as lazy as you on your planet? Anyway, trust me, you don't sound bright enough to understand the the theories in any way whatsoever so it's probably less embarassing all round if we just skip this.

How heavily are you monitoring us? All of us? or some of us?
See the redhead behind you? We're monitoring some of her.

Are people being mind controlled overtly? I know they are covertly but are you involved? Who is involved? do you know?
No. No-one is being mind controlled so you are wrong and sound like a paranoid moron. Or are you going to disagree with me, a mighty alien?

What can we do to maintain our rights to Life and Liberty which we all believe in so much?
Kiss them goodbye after we invade your sorry asses. What makes you think we give a good crap what you believe in? We don't care what others in our own species believe, we sure aren't going to care about yours.

How old is your recorded history?
I don't think that really matters as we made up loads of stuff for the first few thousand years of it. Actually we're still making it up now.

Can I read some of it?
Of course.
"... was discovered by..."
Did you enjoy that?

How long have you been interacting with our culture?
You remember when you developed your first reality TV series? Since just befoe then.

Have you developed hybrids?
Yes since we first learnt about breeding plants. Or do you mean something different by your question?

How about Adam and Eve?
Is that suposed to be a question?

Is our scientific community truly scientific or is it primarily religion? Do you have anything to do with this?
Oh now I have to answer questions about YOUR stupid culture? Do you not have books on your planet?

Do you consider us to be like we consider animals?
No of course not. Well only the ones we eat. Now get off that chair, you're getting hair everywhere.

How about animal consciousness? Are they moral beings?
You are talking to an all powerful alien. Start asking me sensible questions and quit your animal obsession.

Are you moral beings or are you more similar to machines?
We are moral beings. We consider it morally right to kill, invade, slaughter, torture, steal, oppress and destroy when the circumstances are right.
Actually now I come to tell another species about it...

Do you believe your culture is being manipulated in the same way our culture is being manipulated?
How do you get out of bed in the morning? I am an all powerful alien and I'm slightly scared of you, you wacko!

Can you tell me anything about the efficacy of asymmetric capacitors in spaceflight (in a vacuum?) How about within the atmosphere?
Yes of course. But you wouldn't understand what I told you. Wacko!

Is our bible inspired by somebody or something?
Would you like to talk about OUR culture for a bit? Or are all your questions about yourself? We could be offering you unlimited food or faster-than-light travel for all you know. But you'd never find out because you'd be too busy talking about yourself.

What is the origin of religions here on earth. First the tribal ones then the modern Islam and Christianity?
*sigh*

Do you ever pose as gods?
Have you been watching me in the bathroom?

Anyway I am bored now. Your obsession with your own religions tires me. Maybe I shall return to impress you further with my knowledge, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

You fruitcake.
 
I have a couple more questions to add to the list as I think they are pertinent:

1. What's with all the cattle mutilations?

2. Do you enjoy being pestered by questions?

3. Are alien chicks hot?

Or how about:

4. How much is this letter going to cost me in postage?

5. What's your ZIP code?
 
kalen said:
I have a couple more questions to add to the list as I think they are pertinent:

1. What's with all the cattle mutilations?

2. Do you enjoy being pestered by questions?

3. Are alien chicks hot?

Or how about:

4. How much is this letter going to cost me in postage?

5. What's your ZIP code?
Click to expand...

Do you, you know, DO it?

*heh heh, heh*
 
Meaty Curtains said:
http://takeoff.to/infinity

Wow, this guy has a lot of questions for our space brothers. I hope they can be answered by an anal probe.
Click to expand...

I once had a dream where some oil-barrel-looking aliens decided that our planet obviously needed to be destroyed because they picked up some I Love Lucy reruns. (They were driven off by another alien who looked like a big grasshopper who wanted to save the Earth because it's the only place in the galaxy you can get frozen broccoli.) I think aliens would similarly be justified in destroying out planet simply based on the HTML formatting of this page.
 
Are you conditioning our culture?

And moisturising it... because you're worth it.

Do you install tracking devices within people?

No. We can detect directly the field of stupidity which surrounds a human, and which extends many light-years from the actual body.

Are we artificial life?

Don't give yourself airs.

Do you have good intentions toward humanity as a whole meaning, do you want us to survive and have respect?

I'm easy.

Are you on orders to remain hidden from us?

Yes. Darn, I forgot. Oh boy, is my face green!
 
I just sent him a list of answers, posing as a jaded hybrid biologist. Check the site to see if he has put it up.
 
Received email asking for permission to post answers on site.
I gave it, of course. I think I did a particularly good job at odd sounding English - correct and understandable, but slightly off.

;)
 
(1) Do you consider yourselves gods?
Click to expand...
No we don't, but when we enslave your pathetic race YOU will consider us gods!

(2)What about religion? what do you believe?
Click to expand...
We believe your children's blood will make a tasty snack.

(3) Do you know about the soundness of evolutionary theory? How about scientific manipulation of species.
Click to expand...
Fools, your evolution is a myth. We created you, we planted fake fossils for you to find to see how you handled "science," and now that we have found your grasp of it pathetic we have come to reap the rewards of our harvest. As for scientific manipulation of your species, the slave collars you will be provided with will scientifically manipulate your species to do our bidding.

(4) Are you conditioning our culture?
Click to expand...
Conditioning you to fear us, YES! We invented television to make you stupid, so you cannot predict our battle strategies. We invented the car and the white collar office job to make you grow fat and tasty. We invented long lines at theme parks so you would get used to being herded around like animals. We invented artificial insemination so your women would get used to being our sex slaves! We invented the microwave to... I don't know why the hell we did that, but it was for your own good anyway.

(5) Can you tell me about the operation of different UFOs that are seen in our skies? How about craft we have never seen here? How advanced do you know of the technology of space/dimension/atmosphere aeronautics getting?
Click to expand...
We don't know anything about your UFO's, meatling. We can identify our own ships easily, but you will not until we have laid waste to your homeworld! As for the technology required to get here, we will never give you the secrets of our perpetual motion drives! Ha! You could have achieved interstellar travel with nothing but a sponge, rubber band, large horseshoe magnet, and a potato, if we had told you how. But we didn't! Muhahahahahah!

(6) How old are you? How long do you live?
Click to expand...
Longer than you'll ever know, with all the hard manual labor you'll be doing! Wahahahahahah!

(7) Where are you from?
Click to expand...
We are from Kjffluzxin'qackfathmgwoth! Silence you, only we and H.P. Lovecraft can pronounce such a name. And he's dead! Because he knew too much!

(8) What do you look like? hexadactyly?
Click to expand...
Like Ayn Rand. With tentacles. SHE WAS ONE OF US! Hexadactyly, of course.

(9) Are you extra-dimensional?
Click to expand...
No, we can't afford any more dimensions right now. Extra dimensions ain't cheap. But soon they will be, once we enslave your race!

(10) Do you travel through time (as in, faster than the normal pace forward or in reverse)?
Click to expand...
In our planet, you don't travel through time, TIME TRAVELS YOU! Yakov Smirnoff said it. HE WAS ONE OF US!

(11) Are relativity and Quantum Theory sound? If not what is sound and what is incorrect with them?[/.quote]
All your pathetic theories are incorrect. Atoms are made of cheese that spins around really fast. That's what you get for not listening to Alex Chiu!

(12) How heavily are you monitoring us? All of us? or some of us?
Click to expand...
No, just you personally. In fact, the entire alien invasion is going to start by firing all our death rays at you while you're on the john.

(13) Are people being mind controlled covertly? I know there is a sort of mind control in our media propaganda but are you involved? Who is involved? do you know?
Click to expand...
You alone are the product of our mind control experiments. Right now, we make you think you are not under any mind control. BUT YOU ARE!

(14) Are we being poisoned by somebody in our food and water supplies? Can you elaborate at all about fluoride and its use in IQ reduction or pacification?
Click to expand...
We have a much better device than flouride. We call it... CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISM!

(15) What can we do to maintain our rights to Life and Liberty which we all believe in so much?
Click to expand...
Rights? What are these "rights" you keep blabbering about? You can choose to be our slaves for life, or you are free to tour our disintegration chambers from the inside!

(16) How old is your recorded history and can I read some of it?
Click to expand...
It's older than your mother, and no you cannot read any of it. YOUR HEAD WOULD EXPLODE!

(17) How long have you been interacting with our culture?
Click to expand...
Since last Thursday. When we created your race and planted all these false memories in you.

(18) Have you developed hybrids? Were we assembled? By whom?
Click to expand...
You were assembled by small children in our mighty sweat shop laboratories. If there were any hybrids, the children responsible have been eaten. AND SO WILL YOU, TASTY CATTLE SLAVE!

(19) How about Adam and Eve?
Click to expand...
THEY WERE ONE OF US!

Actually, now that I think about it, they were two of us. BE AFRAID! THEY WILL RISE FROM THE GRAVE AND DEFICATE ON YOUR MONUMNETS!

(20)Is our scientific community truly scientific or is it primarily religion? Do you have anything to do with this?
Click to expand...
Your scientific community is %100 hogwash, and your religious community is %500 hogwash, and you made up the other %500 yourselves. OUR HIGHER MATH CAN SUPPORT PERCENTAGES IN WAYS YOU CANNOT BEGIN COMPREHEND!

(21) Do you consider us to be like we consider animals?
Click to expand...
No. You are much lower than animals. To us, you are like a Jerry Springer guest made entirely out of cupcakes! Bwahahahahah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Click to expand...
 
I'm level.

That's what my answers are under on the website. As in "level-headed" or I'm "leveling" with you?

I almost feel bad about this, but...not really.
 
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