• Quick note - the problem with Youtube videos not embedding on the forum appears to have been fixed, thanks to ZiprHead. If you do still see problems let me know.

An Important Announcement re:Rapture

Greediguts

Atheist for Jesus
Greediguts
Joined
Feb 12, 2007
Messages
653
I had to share this with everyone. This message was sent to me by a concerned Christian co-worker who knows I'm an atheist. Please watch and learn.



Well, I think we've all learned something valuable here, hmmm?:eye-poppi


And that's one to grow on...
 
Actually, I have good news and bad news for the believers.

The good news is that what you've been told about rapture is fairly correct.

The bad news is that it already happened last tuesday, as prophecised. Unfortunately the definition for who qualifies was a little more strict than we were led to believe. Turns out for example that why all those parables talk about virgins is that you have to actually be one. Also, let's just say that "beati pauperi spiritu" really did mean the retarded after all, and they did inherit the kingdom of heavens. And so on.

Anyway, the only people who qualified were a family of two farmers from Alabama, married for 30 years and still virgin because nobody told them how it works or that after marriage it's no longer sinful. They've been praying for several hours a day daily (mostly for a baby), and honestly the rest of you don't come even close. Allegedly their their last recorded words before being whisked off in a flash of light were, "wait, you mean all these years we could have done _what_??"

At any rate, the rest of you are stuck down here with us atheists, apostates, and other assorted sinners. Might as well learn to enjoy it.

;)
 
HansMustermann said:
Actually, I have good news and bad news for the believers.

The good news is that what you've been told about rapture is fairly correct.

The bad news is that it already happened last tuesday, as prophecised. Unfortunately the definition for who qualifies was a little more strict than we were led to believe. Turns out for example that why all those parables talk about virgins is that you have to actually be one. Also, let's just say that "beati pauperi spiritu" really did mean the retarded after all, and they did inherit the kingdom of heavens. And so on.

Anyway, the only people who qualified were a family of two farmers from Alabama, married for 30 years and still virgin because nobody told them how it works or that after marriage it's no longer sinful. They've been praying for several hours a day daily (mostly for a baby), and honestly the rest of you don't come even close. Allegedly their their last recorded words before being whisked off in a flash of light were, "wait, you mean all these years we could have done _what_??"

At any rate, the rest of you are stuck down here with us atheists, apostates, and other assorted sinners. Might as well learn to enjoy it.

;)
Click to expand...

LOL, this 'the rapture already happened, and you were not invited' concept screams for a whole spoof website.
 
Also, to address the video: yes, God's message is clear. Don't use contraceptives, don't use abortion; if you don't want children just turn her around. If it was good enough for Mary, it's good enough for her too ;)
 
This guy is wrong on so many points, I'm not sure where to begin:
1) Games. I played many games as a child where we made the rules. Often, we invented the rules as we played. Even in formal games, the rules are subject to change. The NBA makes rule changes to basketball EVERY YEAR. While these changes aren't made on the whims of the players, they ARE often made BECAUSE of the players. Michael Jordan's basketball game bears little resemblance to Dr. Naismith's "basket ball" game, and not just the replacement of the peach basket. And these changes were by no means made by the inventor. Rather, the game's organizers make the changes.
2) Onan. I don't know what the popular biblical scholar consensus on this is - if there even is one - but it is very clear from the context that Onan's sin was NOT contraception. Rather, God was displeased because Onan was selfishly refusing to give his late brother Er an heir, as Onan had expected to be allowed to marry Tamar himself and therefore she'd produce Onan's - not Er's - heirs. Thus, he made an Er heir err.
3) AIDS. This is so monumentally stupid that I'm not even sure I can seriously address it. I mean, it was dumb enough when the Pope said it, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But at least he was addressing the AIDS in Africa issue, and - to be fair - giving condoms to Africans and telling them it will prevent AIDS is more likely to result in infected Africans eating condom soup thinking it's a cure, the same way telling them that the only way they could avoid getting AIDS in the first place was to have sex with a virgin led to infected individuals raping 3 year olds. (That isn't to say that telling people to avoid their only pleasure in life is useful either, but I digress.) But he's the Pope, and the whole Catholic dogma regarding condoms is about not doing anything to prevent the birth of more Catholics. Condoms prevent babies the same way they prevent diseases, so they are Not Allowed. What stirs me up with this guy is his insinuation that AIDS and other STDs apparently occur spontaneously if any couple that isn't a married man and wife engages in any form of sex. I'll grant that an old prude may not be aware sex can take many forms, both penetrative and otherwise. But really, a guy his age should be old enough to understand the concept of viruses.
4) Contraception. He did not address contraception, except in that non sequitur about Onan. What he addressed was disease prevention, not birth control. So two disease-free people in a monogamous, married, heterosexual relationship can use condoms all they want, right? There's not a chance either of them will get AIDS, not even by magic.
5) Lecture. The only time in my life I ever heard someone talking down to someone like the way that guy did was a parent telling their 3 year old why they couldn't just run across the street. Seriously, who is this guy's target audience? He states specifically that he's not addressing "bible-believing Christians". Obviously, he's not addressing non-believers, since they don't have a chance at rapture, by definition. Who, aside from a small child, could possibly be his audience? Who?
 
Actually, I like the fundies' explanation of AIDS as punishment. 'Cause, see, then God punishes homosexual men with it, God punishes heterosexual men, God punishes a lot of heterosexual women... but God hasn't yet punished one lesbian with AIDS, or not transmitted sexually at any rate. Monogamous or not, those aren't punished by God.

And hey, if God is a man and sees everything, who can blame him for not doing anything to discourage hot woman-on-woman action? :p
 
He even looks like god, a little bit, maybe an angel. Only 3rd Eagle, huh? Must have backslid some.
 
Is this Christian cow-orker aware that the whole idea of a pre-tribulation rapture is something that was cooked up by some American preachers 150 years ago, and it's way out of the mainstream of theological thought? You won't find a respected Christian theologian anywhere who subscribes to it.

If you don't want to go into detail with him/her, just reply "In case the Rapture happens, can I have your car?"
 
He says there's only 144,000 going to be raptured, and that means 99.99% of Christians won't be raptured? Well, f:rolleyes:k that! Looks like, whether I follow of those rules or not, I'll be dealing with the tribulation, so it must be:

PARTY TIME!!!

(and of course, there's the whole conflict, even within various denominations of Christianity, about the whole Rapture belief. Some say no rapture, some say pre-tribulation rapture, some say post-tribulation rapture, blah blah blah)
 
Third Eagle of the Apocalypse? I didn't know fundies got cool Rapture names. I want one too!

D'rok, First Aardvark of Armageddon.
 
CurtC said:
Is this Christian cow-orker aware that the whole idea of a pre-tribulation rapture is something that was cooked up by some American preachers 150 years ago, and it's way out of the mainstream of theological thought? You won't find a respected Christian theologian anywhere who subscribes to it.

If you don't want to go into detail with him/her, just reply "In case the Rapture happens, can I have your car?"
Click to expand...

The person in question accepts anything that agrees with his worldview. Examples are: the NWO is real, UFOs are demonic in origin, 9-11 was an inside job, orgies and sacrifices happen at the Bohemian Grove, etc.

History and facts are not as compelling as personal anecdotes for him.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top Bottom