An atheist in the prayer circle

[shalomsteph]

Hi again,

On the good news, finished my first round of chemotherapy and have three more to go. Then...done! (Breast cancer)

Here's my dilemma. I am fairly young, so I have youngish parents. My mom lives in a small town in northern MN, and is a huge member of a Lutheran church there. She knows I am not a believer (although she believes I am Jewish, which, technically, I am) but asked if she could put me in her church's prayer circle. I said that was fine because I understand I am her baby, and she is going through this cancer thing, too. She needs the support of her community.

What I didn't expect was that they send me gifts. Some are nice, like a hand-knitted prayer shawl in my favorite colors, home-baked cookies, and brownies. (Sadly, not pot brownies, but they are the Church Basement Ladies) I feel guilty accepting these gifts, as I don't believe in God and their prayers, in my mind, are falling on deaf ears. I just wanted them to be there for my mom, not me.

I send them thank you notes every time, keeping it generic, but I really want them to stop. Any polite way to do that without upsetting my mom?

 

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

I'd just accept the gifts. If your mum knows you're not a believer, then I'm sure she's told her prayer circle. I don't think their gifts are dependent on your having faith, they just think that it's a nice thing to do. I think rejecting the gifts could be seen as a rejection of your mother.

If you really feel guilty about the whole thing, then you could see if you could find some charity to donate your gifts to (or, if that seems impractical for some reason, donate what you believe the cash equivalent of the gift is to a charity of your choice, making it as if you bought the gifts off the charity. Hell, you could even donate to their church). But, honestly, I'd just say thank you and eat up.

And congratulations.

 

[Oystein]

I'd take both the gifts and the prayer as an expression of empathic humans who really care for you. You can count yourself lucky to have such people, even people you don't know!

There is no harm done, and there is probably nothing better that these ladies could do for you, so where's the problem?


One thing perhaps? You could tell your mom that you appreciate the attention and all, but that these gifts don't satisfy an actual need that you have, and that others are in much more need of practical gift, so suggest to them that they pool whatever little money they may be spending on cookie flour and what not and donate it to some cancer research program, or needy cancer patients etc. Tell them you'd be more than happy to hear about such contributions!

 

[SpitfireIX]

Christian here. I never post in this section because I consider religion and belief a generally private matter, have no interest in trying to convert people, and have little interest in debating the relative merits of various belief systems (or lack of beliefs). I do read the occasional R&P thread, however, and I happened to see this one on the latest-posts page.

First, congratulations on having come so far in your battle with cancer, and best wishes for continued success and full remission and recovery.

What I'd like to say, however, is that speaking for myself, I'd have no problem whatsoever showing "Christian charity" (for lack of a better term) toward an atheist, or any other non-Christian, and I'm quite certain that the great majority of my coreligionists (United Methodists) feel the same way, and I hope that most Christians in general do. I imagine that you are at least passingly familiar with the Parable of the Good Samaritan^WP.

It occurs to me that possibly you feel guilty because you think these people are doing these things for you because they believe that "good works" will help them get into Heaven, and that by accepting their gifts you're somehow enabling a delusion that you reject. Again speaking for myself and my experiences, I've never known of anyone in my church to express such a motivation, and I was never taught any such thing (though I understand there are some Christians who believe this). The point of every such activity I can recall has always been along the lines of "because it's the right thing to do, this is what we're called to do, and/or doing it makes us feel good", rather than earning brownie points with God.

I think Squeegee nailed it perfectly. I urge you to accept the gifts and well wishes without guilt. If you feel a desire to "give back," and you feel that you can't in good conscience donate to your mom's church, then I'd suggest that you donate to a non-religious charity that helps their community, such as a food bank, assuming that you're in a financial position to do so. Another suggestion I have is that you might donate some time to a local cancer support group, if and when you feel up to it.

Again best wishes for a speedy recovery and full remission.