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Only children

Luciana

Skeptical Carioca
Joined
Aug 5, 2001
Messages
10,984
Location
Rio de Janeiro - RJ
I'm an only child. The main reason being that my parent's could barely afford one child, let alone two or more. Also, my mother was intent to give me an excellent education, something she herself was denied. So it had to be one, at most.

Speculations abounded. Some said she had become infertile. That my parent's marriage was doomed. That one day I'd die and they wouldn't have a "spare" child. That I'd be an spoiled and egotistic b*tch, prone to emotional instability. Some even said that only children have more chances of being psychotic.

Only children have access to better education than kids with siblings. If there's a direct link between income and educational level, it stands to reason that not dividing resources between two or more kids will allow for a beter education of one. Again, speaking for myself, maybe I wouldn't have had access to going to a language school to learn English. Knowing English increases my chances in the marketplace, to say the least.

Generosity. Everything was mine, I didn't have to share it with anyone. It's common to see siblings throwing tamtruns over who is eating the last cookie. I never had to. It would be mine. I was 100% sure that my parents would give me anything, as long as they could afford (sometimes they couldn't, and I understood that). I wasn't competing with anyone, and the last cookie wasn't about the love of my parents. So it follows that I found it very easy to share what I had with others. Things were just things, objects, not necessarily a struggle for attention.

I never wanted a sibling, although I felt lonely sometimes. However, I'm very good company to myself, and loneliness is a friend, not an enemy. I know I can do well on my own. That's very reassuring.

I wouldn't hesitate having only one child. It has its downsides, though. When my parents grow old, worse if senile, I'll be alone in taking care of them. It worriess me in this regard.

Having a sibling is a lottery - it can be someone you admire and a great friend, it can also be a total leech ready to exploit you.

Any more only children here? I know Lisa is one. How do you guys feel about being only children? If you are or are not, would you consider having only one kid?
 
I am an only child also. Mine was a very tricky delivery that could have easily killed both my mother and I, so my parents decided to wait, and the wait went for too long. They say that they never regretted having only me, though, phew! ;)

Being an only child, the default position was that I was a spoiled brat. That was my first contact with other kids at school, mostly, when they learned I had no siblings. "Oh, so you must be very spoiled, right?" Wrong. My parents never pampered me, and they had to fight against enormous odds to keep me more or less human, since I had three grandmothers (long story). Yet I think I came out quite all right, all things considered.

I agree with Luciana in that loneliness is a factor. For me it was never undesirable. It got me playing the most bizarre and absorbing games, and it made me very used to the company of adults; even today I feel very at ease with older people and I have no problem finding common ground with them.

There are drawbacks, of course. There's no one else to blame for the broken lamp (well, er, I never actually broke one, um, you know, being as good as I was and all), and no way to divert attention from the fact that I hadn't done my homework or my grades were below straight As. There's also a component of selfishness; I never learned to share properly until I was quite old, 10 or 11, maybe, when I started going on school trip and summer English schools. And I was, and still am, uncomfortable among lots of people and noisy environments. I'm not saying that this is a direct result of being an only child. But the loneliness and introspection associated with no siblings are certainly a factor, by my own estimation.

All in all, I don't mind at all being an only child. I certainly wouldn't worry about having only one child myself, but that depends largely on what the provider of the other half of the genome would think, if there ever is such person.
 
If you want a sibling, you can have my stupid sister. I'm talking about the one who got us lost in the mountains and dropped a rock on my head.
 
Only child here

I'm an only child as well. I wasn't spoiled when I was younger (my parents made too much money by $10 to get food stamps), I slept on a mattress and wore all hand me down clothes from my older cousins. I was quite sickly when I was younger (I was anaphylactically allergic to 5 of the 8 major food groups I was tested for plus environmental allergies) and asthma to boot, so I couldn't be around children as much as other kids my age because there was danger of me having a deadly allergic reaction. As a result, my mother and I became and are still very close. Some of my peers saw me as spoiled, and I'm still not sure if I was when I got older or not. Loneliness was a downside, but there aren't many sibling relationships I've come across that I really felt would be better than being an only child. I was quite content to amuse myself and make up all sorts of games and do lots of arts and crafts projects (as well as my own "scientific experiments"). I do have somewhat of a problem relating to people my own age and feel more comfortable around those much older or younger children. All of my parents' adult friends and many of my teachers would say I'm ____ going on 30. All in all I wouldn't mind having only one child.
 
arcticpenguin said:
If you want a sibling, you can have my stupid sister. I'm talking about the one who got us lost in the mountains and dropped a rock on my head.

Explains a great deal.
 
I myself am an only child. But at the same time my family was poor and military. Loneliness was never much a problem. Education was. I spent my entire youth educating myself on my own... and look where its landed me: My English is at best "ok" (I envy Luciana's mastery of the English language :biggrin: ) and now I am the one who teaches the children. I was never spoiled, I had to work to get everything I've ever owned.

My wife on the other hand, she has 3 older sisters (four women, ever seen what theyre like in one room).
--------------------
Some even said that only children have more chances of being psychotic.
--------------------
All 4 of those women are completely insane.

If we were planning on having children, we'd probably have only one.
 
i was an only child, and my mother and i nearly died when i was born because my mother was extremely sick. while my parents were rather affluent, i was never spoiled in the same way that others in our economical position were. my mother is neurotic and my father is anti-social. it boggles the mind how they managed to have me, let alone get married. you would know what i mean if you met them. in terms of education, my mother taught me to read and do basic mathematics well before i entered any kind of public school situation. i have been happy as an only child, and don't feel that i have been "let down" as a social creature.
 
Only child here too. Lonliness was really not a problem since I always read alot, did science projects and experiments, learned to play games by myself. etc. I too never wanted a sibling since I guess I never wanted to share.

I find many only children who are not spoiled but are generally more well educated and socially adept.
 
Only child here too. I'm not sure why, but I suspect my mother felt she had her hands full with me. In some ways, I was spoiled, in other ways not. Grew up to be rather introvert, but that needs no be because of that. Did not learn so much about social behaviour, that took another ten years or so, afterwards, heheh. Never missed siblings.

Hans
 
OK all - lets admit it.

In all our posts there has been couched veiled inferences to our better education. Lets face it - we all feel superior to the unwashed because we really are.

:wink:
 
Morwen said:
Being an only child, the default position was that I was a spoiled brat. That was my first contact with other kids at school, mostly, when they learned I had no siblings. "Oh, so you must be very spoiled, right?" Wrong.

Exactly! This is so common. It has been used against me many many times. Actually, I had to have two medium-sized ulcers before a famous doctor agreed to request an exam. In his opinion, I only wanted to be pampered, being an only child and all. :rolleyes:

I agree with Luciana in that loneliness is a factor. For me it was never undesirable. It got me playing the most bizarre and absorbing games, and it made me very used to the company of adults; even today I feel very at ease with older people and I have no problem finding common ground with them.

Absolutely. I've always felt comfortable around adults, in a way that my teenage friends were not.

. And I was, and still am, uncomfortable among lots of people and noisy environments. I'm not saying that this is a direct result of being an only child. But the loneliness and introspection associated with no siblings are certainly a factor, by my own estimation.

Same here. I'm a very sociable person. But it tells a story that I make a point of having lunch on my own everyday.

Competition. I never got any thrill at it. Maybe that's something that comes with siblings? To this day, I don't like competing. It does nothing for. I don't care about winning, I care even less if I lose. Do you only children feel like that, too?
 
Luciana Nery said:

Competition. I never got any thrill at it. Maybe that's something that comes with siblings? To this day, I don't like competing. It does nothing for. I don't care about winning, I care even less if I lose. Do you only children feel like that, too?
I'm an only child, and I hate competition, but I'm not sure there's any correlation. I'm the kind of person who will only agree to play a competitave game if no one keeps score, or if the rulles are modified to make the game "cooperative." I don't like games with "winners" and "losers."

I'm glad my parents didn't have other kids; they had enough problems paying private school tuition as it was. I think my quality of life would have suffered if I had had siblings. The downside was that I spent an awful lot of time playing Monopoly all by myself. :( And even weirder, chess. (We didn't have a computer back then, so I didn't have anyone to play against, until I taught my friend Alison how in junior high. And then I learned that I really sucked at chess, because she started beating me every time...maybe I don't like competition because it's bad for my ego. :))
 
The abhorrence of competition must be inherited. I was one of 4 siblings and cringe at any competitive challenge.

I was also glad QuarkChild was our only quark. The quality of life deterioration works both ways.

I was always there to play Chutes and Ladders, I guess QuarkChild out grew it!
 
QuarkDad said:
The abhorrence of competition must be inherited. I was one of 4 siblings and cringe at any competitive challenge.

I was also glad QuarkChild was our only quark. The quality of life deterioration works both ways.

I was always there to play Chutes and Ladders, I guess QuarkChild out grew it!
Dad, we didn't have Chutes and Ladders. :) You were always there for a nice cooperative game of Legos, though.

Welcome to the forum....finally!
 
QuarkDad said:
The abhorrence of competition must be inherited. I was one of 4 siblings and cringe at any competitive challenge.

I was also glad QuarkChild was our only quark. The quality of life deterioration works both ways.

I was always there to play Chutes and Ladders, I guess QuarkChild out grew it!
Welcome to the forum, QuarkDad!

But I thought quarks usually came in threes?
 
I'm not an only child myself but I have always been curious as to what it would be like. When someone mentions 'only child' to me, I automatically imagine a small child playing alone in a spacious room with his/her toy truck/barbie and I can't help but feel sorry for this lonely figment of my imagination. It's pretty far fetched I know :D, but that's how my mind seems to work. I was wondering, for all you only children out there, have you ever at one point in time (or more) felt lonely? Have you ever envied other children that had siblings? I'm just curious in what you see as an advantage and disadvantage of being an only child..

Missy
 
Missy said:
I was wondering, for all you only children out there, have you ever at one point in time (or more) felt lonely? Have you ever envied other children that had siblings?
In a way, only children have the best of both worlds. We can invite our friends over to play if we want to play Barbies with someone, and when we want peace and quiet, we can have that too. I think envy works the other way: My friends who had siblings used to envy me sometimes because I didn't have a pesky little brother or sister to deal with. I don't think I ever envied them.
 
QuarkChild said:

Dad, we didn't have Chutes and Ladders. :) You were always there for a nice cooperative game of Legos, though.

Welcome to the forum....finally!

Legos! YES, but who was I playing Chutes and Ladders with then? Maybe it was the game you invented that looked very similiar to C & L

And to participate a bit in the exchange - I would bet more people with sibs wished they didn't have any than the reverse.

But I am biased since I was always shadowed by my older brother. Probably just a green grass thing.
 
(Prepare for an insanely stupid question ahead...)

QuarkChild, do you happen to be related to QuarkDad?
 
QuarkDad said:


Legos! YES, but who was I playing Chutes and Ladders with then? Maybe it was the game you invented that looked very similiar to C & L.
You're right; I once made a simulation C & L game out of construction paper or something.

(sorry for the hijack)
QuarkChild, do you happen to be related to QuarkDad?
As you may have gathered from our conversation, he's my father, who's been lurking on this board for months but until yesterday resisted my urging to post.
 
QuarkDad said:


Legos! YES, but who was I playing Chutes and Ladders with then?


Shhh! That'll be the other kid you haven't told QuarkChild about ;)

I have an older sister, and believe me for many of my formative years she helped to make my life a misery. Or so it seemed at the time. I'd have been quite happy to be an only child.

Luckily, we've grown out of it now (mostly)
 
richardm said:



Shhh! That'll be the other kid you haven't told QuarkChild about ;)


Possibly was Charm QuarkChild then, the one in Santa Cruz is Strange QuarkChild! :roll:

(BTW - that's a lame physics joke)
 
QuarkDad said:
Possibly was Charm QuarkChild then, the one in Santa Cruz is Strange QuarkChild! :roll:
You certainly have a quarky sense of humor.
 
Hmmm... Competition. Yes, I dislike it. But I'm not sure about it being because I'm an only child. There was plenty of competition at school with my friends. There were plenty of competitive games, and I *liked* winning. It took me a while longer to like losing too, especially after I was old enough to play at something with my father and he didn't have to pull back. He liked winning too. We were pretty scary together, but I always came out badly because I didn't want to show how much losing affected me. With time, I got better; and now, I don't relish competition all that much. Maybe because it takes a lot out of me. I prefer pitting myself against abstract problemas or puzzles rather than people.

To answer Missy's question, I never envied my friend's siblings. I slept over at their house, I had lots of fun, and they were great, but I never, ever, ever, wanted to be them. They felt... strange. Not "normal". As a matter of fact, I always looked on siblings as a liability, not people you could count on. That feeling went away later, when I started looking past who gets to play with the nicest toys. But I still don't miss siblings at all.

As a strange corolary to all this, I've discovered that, in general, I feel less lonely than my friends-with-siblings. For them, being alone is being lonely, and they dread it. For me, it takes an awful lot more to feel lonely, and when it happens I cope better (except lately here in the US, but that's another story).

Oh, and welcome to the Forum, QuarkDad! Us only children salute you; we know that you played a lot of strange and funny games with your child and we like you! :)
 
Mom to an Only Child

I'm the mother to any only child. She will remain an only child.

Most of my friends are only children. Most of my friends thought I was an only child. I suppose I might be. I never claimed anything to do with that other person that was in the house I grew up in, though my parents told me I was biologically related to him.

Being the parent of an only child is a difficult thing to do. There are no built in playmates, no one for that child to associate with when you move. My daughter is a well spoken kid. However prone she is to her pouting and tempers.
 
I have two older brothers, respectively 3 and 6 years older than me. Here's how we most often played together:

We had plastic soldier sets, little model tanks, and model buildings designed for railroad sets. We had various sets of rules designed for World War 2 battles. We'd set up a "battlefield" on a rug in our room. The model buildings made it look as if we were fighting the battles of WW2 in suburban Los Angeles.

Anyway, the way we always played was that I'd get two sets of soldiers, and my older brothers would each get one. It would then be me against them. Keep in mind I was pretty much in elementary school, and they were much older than me. Plus they as often as not had written the rules themselves.

We played this dozens of times. I didn't win a single game. That had a certain "effect" on me as I grew up.

(and if a certain lurker is reading this: :p )
 
I'm the mother of an only child as well. Whether or not she will remain an only child - we're still discussing that. Neither the Mr. nor I are only children, but my mother and mother-in-law are. My MiL is *adamant* that we have more - it would be my only reason for keeping our baby an only child :p

I can see the advantages. As Luciana said, education is easier to afford for only one, no worries about sharing, more attention available from parents, etc. As for the disadvantages - I worry about her socialization. She does play with other kids in the park, and plays with them very well, so I guess I shouldn't worry all that much.
 
I'm the eldest of five (which curiously made me quite lonely growing up) and my wife is an only child. We will be having at least two children as she doesn't want our first to be as lonely growing up as she was.
 
I am a bridge between worlds, as I have a sibling, but she is nearly a decade younger than me.

Here are my observations about trends in character traits in only children (trends, not absolutes):
- Introversion (and thus, less socially adept)
- Egocentrism (in the psychological sense, not arrogance; an unconscious tendency to behave as if the world revolves more around them than other people. A trait one wouldn't notice, since one grew up as the center of attention)
- Education (solitary activities seem to frequently be more intellectual)

The more children you have, the more difficult it is to raise them all properly. However, siblings give a good introduction to "real-world" social skills.
 
Yahweh said:
I myself am an only child. But at the same time my family was poor and military. Loneliness was never much a problem. Education was. I spent my entire youth educating myself on my own... and look where its landed me: My English is at best "ok" (I envy Luciana's mastery of the English language :biggrin: ) and now I am the one who teaches the children. I was never spoiled, I had to work to get everything I've ever owned.

My wife on the other hand, she has 3 older sisters (four women, ever seen what theyre like in one room).
--------------------
Some even said that only children have more chances of being psychotic.
--------------------
All 4 of those women are completely insane.

If we were planning on having children, we'd probably have only one.

What about your sisters Stephanie and Renea? You silly, how could you forget them?
 
My advanced apologies for a long post.

Well, I'm kind of in a strange boat. I'm an only child, and my brother and sister are, too. :)

My dad married three times, one child to each wife, and us kids ended up with our mothers. So we all grew up as only children. My younger brother and I get along pretty well, since we have so many things in common. We actually look forward to our time together playing videogames or whatever. I'm more of a friend to him than anything, I guess. The most I have seen him is a week a month and sometimes there are months between us seeing each other. He lives with my dad and my step-mom about 100 miles away. My sister lives in the same town as I do, in fact, just a few neighborhoods over. However, due to very, very strained relations between Dad and his first wife, she hasn't been allowed much contact with my brother or me, and we do not have anything in common besides our father. I have not seen her in over a year, nor do I really wish to.

Growing up as an only child, I had the same isolation and playing alone as other children do. However, compounding that were various medical problems due to immune deficiencies, and then I am moderate-severely hearing impaired on top of that. It's never been easy for me to make friends, not only because I am used to being alone, but also because I can't hear and understand what new people say. I have to "train" my ears to listen to someone before I can understand them with any real accuracy. I have few friends, and little desire to be social. I am quite nice and friendly, once the other person makes their move, though. I don't do well in groups, related to my hearing, and also because I prefer silence. I prefer to hear what one person has to say than be bombarded with a cacophony of voices brought on by the conversation of several people.

Loneliness is nothing new to me. I grew up quite alone, especially when my mother went back to school and started working nights. As a result, I have learned how not to be bored, how not to feel lonely when I am alone. I was quite pampered growing up, however, I'm not sure how much that has to do with me being an only child or how much it has to do with my mother trying to compensate for her never having much when she was growing up or her guilt about being a single mother who had to leave me at home alone every day. I have no problems with people using or borrowing my things, as long as they are returned to me in exactly the same condition as when they were loaned out. I tend to be anal about that, especially with books.

Like other only children have noted, I am also more comfortable around older people. I did have two or three kids my own age growing up who I hung around sometimes, but it was usually their parents I enjoyed talking to. I related more to my teachers in public school than to my classmates. In college, I find I gravitate towards the going-back-to-school, middle-aged classmates for projects and conversation.

Video games were really the only types of games I played, and still do play, since they don't require another person. I prefer playing alone, and if someone does happen to come over, I prefer to take turns playing a one-player game or play a game in cooperative mode. In fact, in my enormous collection, I have only a couple handfuls of games that can be played in competitive two-player mode. I shy away from online play, preferring to keep to myself and perhaps one other person that I know in real life. When I do get the rare opportunity to play a board game with someone, I generally don't care if I win or lose, except when I start losing many times in a row. :)

In relationships, I have had a few, but I have noticed that I tend to get involved with people who I can't see very often, for one reason or another. It would take an understanding person to live with me, since I have grown up alone and have grown to prefer being alone or one on one only. I know when I go out in public, I can't suddenly choose to be alone there, but when I get home, I need a "decompression" period where I am completely alone, with my hearing aids out and the house silent, while I recover from what almost feels like a physical bombardment of people and sounds. I'm not afraid or anxious about being around people, I just do not prefer it. And because I usually can't understand what's going on in time for me to formulate a reply, I am the type to watch a conversation than the type to join in, especially between people I don't know that well. Not because I dont like new people, but because it takes quite a while for me to get used to a person's voice and the way they talk, and it also takes time for people to learn there are certain small changes they have to make in the way that they converse for me to be able to participate.

Overall, I would not be any other person than who I am. I've been described as friendly, intelligent, funny, optimistic and fun to be around, so I don't really think I have anything to worry about. :) The people I know with siblings have all wished they were only children, including my parents, but then, none of them are particularly close to their siblings. It is a bit different for me, since I have a little brother I can see from time to time, but seeing him is not living with him permanently. :)
 
I am the type to watch a conversation than the type to join in, especially between people I don't know that well. Not because I dont like new people, but because it takes quite a while for me to get used to a person's voice and the way they talk, and it also takes time for people to learn there are certain small changes they have to make in the way that they converse for me to be able to participate.

I can sorta relate to this. In extremely noisy environments, I tend to have difficulty following a conversation. I can't differentiate between sounds and voices become muddled. I also am the type to sit and listen to a conversation rather than join in, unless I know the other people well. Conversation is a social skill I lack.
 
Diamond said:
I'm the eldest of five (which curiously made me quite lonely growing up) and my wife is an only child. We will be having at least two children as she doesn't want our first to be as lonely growing up as she was.


That's rare indeed, I believe that most only children would consider having only one child themselves.

There's only one instance I can think of in which it's highly undesirable to have an only child: parents who move frequently and lead gipsy lives. Because we don't have siblings, at least we have the comfort of having friends at school and living in an known environment. When frequent moves are necessary, siblings provide a lot of support to each other.

About being spoiled... I probably am, but then I wouldn't even notice it. ;) But above all things, I'm a very undemanding and easy-going person. It seems to me that people actually enjoy spoiling me. ;) :D And there's nothing I can do about! :p

aerosolben: many children with siblings are antisocial too. And while it's true that only children have more difficulty in dealing with other children... at least they have the advantage of knowing how to deal with adults better. When they become adults themselves... won't that be an advantage?

I've seen quite a few researches indicating that only children have better salaries than people with siblings - I can try to look it up if you want to - which is easily explained by the superior education. But maybe their social skills in an adult environment plays a role too? I'm not sure if this has ever been tested.

I was an introvert as a child, but quit it in my teenage years. Not worth it, I thought. People can be fun sometimes. :) All of my social skills were developed there, and nowadays I can pretty much adapt myself to any social situation with absolutely no problem. So yes, it can be developed, and it will depend on the person.

tygirwulf: I too have to "decompress" after being around many people.

Loneliness... if anything, I feel powerful when I realize that I don't need someone's bad company just to placate my loneliness. I can do well alone. I see people basing entirely relationships solely on the grounds of having someone nearby. That's so sad.
 
I am one child, but also two, because I am one half of a set of identical twins.
Advantages - we always had someone to play with and we shared the same intersts. (double entendre merchants - forget it.)
Disadvantage - we got dressed the same and treated as clones (which we are in a way - genetically identical).
We've grown apart since we were about twenty I guess as social influences became diversified.
The big positive is that I know there's a set of organs out there that are the perfect match.........................:c2:
 
Luciana, you are a great example of why people should have only one child!

I had terrible pressure from my mother in law, for 7 years, until I had a second child. I got all the arguments, an only child is spoiled and greedy. What happens if the child dies and you are left alone, only children have too much of a burden taking care of their parents alone....blahblah

When I was ready I had my second child. I have since had to endure the "You have to have another child as you don't have a son...."lecture from her.

I've only been able to afford to educate my children because of the age differences. My eldest who was an only child for so long, is wonderful, loving and very bright. My youngest doesn't take anything off of her big sister, but loves her dearly.

Most only children are wonderful, and certainly make their parents proud.
 
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