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Can a Chinese Man and American Girl find happiness?

kittynh

Penultimate Amazing
Joined
Dec 18, 2002
Messages
22,634
Just wondering....

the answer wavers between yes and no in our house...

I'm so tired of teenagers.
 
She's white (French/Scottish)

He's Chinese, still a citizen, living in the US family in US and Hong Kong

She's thinking no...

he's thinking YES, but still can't tell his grandparents (it would kill them....)

sigh....
 
oh, she's kind hearted


where are the wicked women when you need them?
 
Yes.

BUT.... there needs to be family support, on at least one side. Realistically one side of the family will usually be unhappy with the choice.

There needs to be acceptance of cultural differences, and when you are young these can seem easy to deal with but they are not. In fact they can get harder as the years go by, particularly when grandchildren come along.

Personally I think that "true-love" can go along way to making the cultural minefield a bit easier to negotiate, but there has to be realistic understanding that it won't necessarily always be easy.

A shared sense of humour is important. Without this you shouldn't even go there because boy you are going to need to be able to laugh (particularly when the family makes you want to cry).
 
sorry to be vague...
my daughter is dating a wonderful kind sweet tall Chinese guy. She is bright, a dedicated student, and very self motivated and strong.
She's met his family. Dad's English isn't great, but she gets the feeling the whole family wishes he was dating a nice Asian girl.
Mom is a doctor and cleans, cooks, and does EVERYTHING.
I know the nice son, but when he comes to visit I can only think of the show "Dharma and Greg". Guess which parents we are?

Sketch books are skattered about. dishes drying by the sink, oversized pillows and a phrenology head in the living room.

Daughter thinks, "I love my family, this won't work"

Nice guy thinks, "It can work", but he's not quite up to facing his extended family, which I'm gathering is as important as his parents in this culture.

I'm trying to be the perfect mom and be supportive and take no sides.

I have family where it has worked out very well with the Asain wife. I've never even heard of an Asian man and American women marriage.

When I heard what is expected of an Asian wife (everything) I decided hey, I'd like an Asian wife!
 
Cultural differences may make this meaningless, but my take in general about any guy serious about a girl is this:

If he won't stand up to his family for her -now-, when he's supposedly head over heels, then how will life be a few years down the road.

Luckily, my parents loved my then future wife (if you followed the verb tense shifts). In fact, they were solidly behind the idea that she was far too good for me, a sentiment shared by me. If they hadn't, though, then I'm sorry - but its their choice how to react. Their reaction or disapproval or anything else might have hurt, but it was my opinion that the marriage was too important to try half measures or to go into it looking for a "compromise" with the family.

I loved my family a great deal -- but it was not their decision and they had to either accept my decisions or make their own decision about how much contact they would be having with me -- because -my- decision had already been made.

I cannot write this out free-form and make it as clear as it is in my head - so no one is probably following the gist of this. I guess the bottom line is that I personally have doubts about the seriousness of any guy who bows to family pressure on an issue like who he will be spending his life with. I also have misgivings about how well a relationship can last if he isn't going to stand up to that kind of pressure and face it directly, as opposed to skating around it and hoping everything will "work out."

I hesitate to say anything because we have only a thumbnail sketch of this situation, and it has more complexity than you could get into in a few messages.

NA
 
NoZed Avenger hit the nail on the head when he asked whether the boy will stand up to his family for the girl.

My girlfriend's twin sister went though much the same trouble ten years ago when she was dating her now-husband, who was born in Pakistan. His family moved here when he was little, but they remain very traditional. For him (or his family rather) she 'converted' to Islam, but sadly he has not done much to break away from his family. He's definitely a mama's boy, and he used to run to his mother's side at every small calamity. Fortunately that has become less of a problem since they moved a thousand miles away. Though various busy-body aunts drop in from time to time and stay with them for weeks at a time...
This weekend, the couple'll be here (we live in the same town as the family) for a wedding, and the family is demanding that they attend all of the festivities over the weekend so that my girlfriend will hardly get to see her sister at all. Ok, enough of my life. But you can see that a decade later, the family still seems to come first in his mind.

In your situation, if he can't even tell his grandparents, then can the relationship really go anywhere? If they are serious, then she needs to demand some concessions, or learn to deal with the consequences.
 
My sister's husband is half chinese. The mother didn't come to the wedding. Don't remember the reason she gave. She insisted that the date be sent to china so that some buddist monks could approve the date, but in the end didn't come.

The closeness of a family, and the respecting of their wishes, is only important if they aren't crazy. If they're crazy, annoying, or stupid, then he should take any chance to push them away.

I lucked out, my and my wifes family are none of those.
 
Thanks everyone. My feeling at first was "this is wonderful, another culture!" But having raised a beautiful, athletic, strong girl, it hurts to see anyone belittle her. I should think most families would welcome her with open arms (especially when you look around at most women today). No body art, no weird piercings, great grades, looking at a high paying career...

She really decided that was IT. She felt she needed to find someone more outdoorsy too. Plus, she is really close to us, and could see she would have to make a choice with which family would come first. He really doesn't have the choices even a Chinese American would have. In China, the choices aren't there.

Plus, the family has LOT of money. As Pool Boy put it, how did all these communists get so rich? He has trouble with our frugal lifestyle.

So, why isn't it over? Well, nice guys are hard to find today. And he's sad....and she is softhearted. She breaks up with him , he gets sad...

I go, "it's doomed, let it go" in my head, but being a wise mom I just Listen. I needed other input. I really like this kid, so does she. So, it's hard...
 
..........a beautiful, athletic, strong girl,............Well, nice guys are hard to find today. ...........................
All right. Manfred to the rescue. I will take on a second wife. We will move to Utah and live in a big house together.

.......looking at a high paying career.....
This is good as I am unemployed and will need my wives to support me.

Now, let us talk dowry.
 
dowry?

How about some guinea pigs???


He's taking her out to dinner (his mom pays). If Pool Boy were here he'd use the fathers line from the movie Clueless...

He's the ONLY grandchild too, product of the one child revolution. Oh, no pressure there! This whole one child thing would back fire, I knew it. If they had the usual 20 kids they never would miss one!
 
kittynh said:
I have family where it has worked out very well with the Asain wife. I've never even heard of an Asian man and American women marriage.

When I heard what is expected of an Asian wife (everything) I decided hey, I'd like an Asian wife!

Well, apart from the whole "aren't you jumping the gun" thing about marriage I will offer 2 comments.

1. Linda Lee (watch "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" for more details)

2. Your daughter won't be an "Asian wife" any more than a Russian mail order bride will be a Russian wife nor an Asian woman who marries an American serviceman and returns to the states will be an "Asian wife."

As someone who is dealing with a very emotionally brutal situation himself I hate to be hypocritially practical. If the husband doesn't realize that once a woman is in America - all cultural bets are off - he needs to find a woman from the home country. Period.
 
Jumping the gun a bit...
but I know lots of happily married people who met in college.

Still, I give it a few months until the sympathy thing wears off. It could work, but it would take two.
 
kittynh said:
...I have family where it has worked out very well with the Asain wife. I've never even heard of an Asian man and American women marriage....

It happens often out here. I was taken back when one of the PTA moms with an Asian last name called me on the phone speaking with a deep Southern accect. She and another blond wife of an Asian man sometimes would sit together after school at the playground and talk about their mothers-in-law. It was often amusing. But neither of their husbands were mama's boys (both very nice).

The main criteria of any relationship is how well an adult thrives without their parents. My dear hubby was in danger of being a mama's boy... but he is a fast learner. When he collected his mother's recipes for his favorite dishes I dutifully made them for him. He then commented how his mother made them better... so I told him that HE could make them from now on. I am proud to say that I have only made barbecued meatballs ONCE... and we have them for dinner at least twice a month.
 
There is hope.

She went up to visit his family, and HE cooked her breakfast. He also asked his mom to teach him how to do laundry.

She's going to come out of intensive care in a few days. Mao is turning in his masoleum.
 
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