I'm fine thanks for asking.
OK, that's a lie. I wasn't fine when I first started losing feeling in my legs. I wasn't fine when I first saw my spine crumbling into a tumor. I wasn't fine when I first was told what my operation and subsequent treatment would involve and I was decidedly not fine when I was told my odds for 5 year survival. I wasn't fine when they told me what the progression of my treatments would be or that there isn't even a guarantee of curative measures with stem cell transplantation.
The problem through all of that wasn't a fear of death. It was the fear of the next news or the next physical therapy appointment, the next time my pain medication wore off or the next bone marrow biopsy. I never got a chance to think ahead far enough to worry about death. I never gave myself that chance. When things began to turn around, when I was walking and jogging again, I began to feel some youth again. I was feeling that youthful indestructible arrogance that allowed me to avoid having to deal with death. Then I got the moniker of “Titanium Superhero.” I bought the hype. I was a champion, and cancer survivors were superheroes.
When I saw recursions in bone marrow it was another step. It wasn't death. I was beating the averages for mortality at 5 years even if I was average for recursion. I was told this is a management disease. They manage Multiple Myeloma for life. I didn't think that they were not referring to an average healthy lifespan. So I took my medication and I went to the cancer center for tests and poking and prodding and I didn't lose much hair and I got through it to a manageable point. I didn't, however, think that recursion could move from plasmacytoma of bone to plasmacytoma of tissue. They told me it could. I looked up the numbers and it is rare.
I have tissue cloning out of control. This time it isn't bone marrow. It isn't the rotting of bone and it isn't the same as before. Like before I held steadfastly to my immortality and youth. I waited until next test, until next poke, until next prod and next imaging session. I made glib comments and gallows-humor jokes to nurses. I was the Titanium Superhero and I would endure. I reacted with disdain at sympathy while realizing that 90% of my time is making everyone else feel better about what is happening and secretly loathing that I had to do that when I was fine. Really, I was fine, thanks for asking. As I sit here out of pain medication and unable to refill a prescription I have the type of rage that could boil each cell in my body into vapor.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want nights of frantic distractions in music or coding. I am sick of the bash shell being my escape or tweaking the perfect tone from a Paul Reed Smith. Let's face facts here, VIM blows and you don't need to tweak a PRS. Anything further is delving into madness for the sake of escape. Even if I were to leave behind my code or my music I would only then have sleepless nights of staring at nothing trying to erase the thoughts from my brain. I have had enough of that for 5 years. I have had enough of deciding what to do for my wife when I die. I have had enough of pretending I am strong enough to counsel everyone else who can't handle what isn't happening to them. I am sick to death of the ******** that is dying slowly. I'm tired.
I'm exhausted, actually. I have spent so much rage at the universe and my own cellular biology that I have nothing left. This teapot has long since cooled and the screams no longer echo. There is nothing left to be angry about. There is no more rage to be had. There is only what is going to happen next. I'd love to say there's some great new treatment that changes the face of cancer, but I don't have it. Science hasn't progressed so far as to cure all forms of cancer. There is pain, there is metastasis and then there is a very slow, horrific and lonely death.
In truth the rage dissipated long ago. I saw myself not caring anymore. I don't go out. I am irritated beyond words with social interactions. I don't relate to shiny people. I have no social life anymore, beyond what is absolutely necessary and I've let that cloud engulf my wife as well. There was a dinner the Saturday before my first surgery that all my friends at the time attended. We took up half of the restaurant. I'd be hard pressed to fill a 4 top now. I am too tired to keep niceties with people who either avoid the subject that shadows my life or can't understand that their hope is fruitless. I don't care to see people because I see in life what I see on-line: inflexibility, anger at what is different and varying levels of plateau in regards to bothering to read or learn. I see this in me as well. I see so much needless bickering and resentment over the stupidest of small points in an argument or the most trivial of differences between people as the very core of everything that I am sick of about myself and others.
I work, I go to the oncology ward, I go home and I do it wondering exactly what becoming nothingness is. I realize all of the things that should be fixed or finished or done that will never be. I realize the pointlessness of worrying about any leftover memories of me. I marvel at all the stupid ******** we need to feel about ourselves just to feed our fragile ego and how much cognitive dissonance there is from our self image to the appearance of that to others. The most amazing night can be spent in a franticness only to be broken by the epiphany that not one mystical or mythical being I could think to beg or bargain with will ever answer. Add to that bite of clarity a true understanding of how others perceive me and I finally understand what meaning I am to put to this pointlessness.
Time is squandered. Life is wasted. Too much time is spent with pettiness and bickering. I took quite a bit of time off from this forum and I came back to the same games, the same needling, the same trolling and the same ****** treatments of each other. There's pointless needling of small points in some vain hope to win non-existent points in an argument. There's harassment of the mods for little more than what amounts to soapboxing over how someone thinks the world should be. There is needling the JREF proper over procedures or finances that are public to those who ask politely. There is the harassment or taunting of other people because of a differing of beliefs often couched in the appearance of trying to get someone to change those beliefs for the better but ending up to be a flame war redesigned to be just within the rules of this forum. There is such pointless anger stemming from wounds blown so out of proportion by stubbornness, pride and time that it physically pains to see the continued rift. Newsflash folks, the world, the Internet, this site, the JREF and the universe need not bother aligning itself to your ego. You're simply wasting time. This isn't the friendly discussion or meaningful discourse it's portrayed as. This isn't asking uncomfortable questions, this is playing out some sort of game and I'm sick of it.
But then, I am also guilty of being so presumptuous as to believe the universe should bend to my will, that this site should be something other than it is. This site can be for good, honest discourse without bickering of flame-baiting. This site is also home to some of the most ridiculous, ego-driven drivel couched as intelligent discourse I've seen, but that's not new to the Internet. I remember USENET. It's common. It's drivel and it's something beneath you. It was beneath me, as well. This isn't about the moniker of skeptic or believer. This is about whether you really want to waste your time in a bickering contest, a flame war or scoring some mythical points in an argument that has repeated itself over the Internet countless times. If you want to change something stop typing and do it.
The catharsis from a good self-righteous diatribe has tired me out. I'm done spending my time trying to bring the thoughts in my head to some understanding to others in line with what my ego wants from the universe. I'm done posting to useless and oft-repeated debates on the Internet. I am done trying to change what I cannot. I can no more stop the bickering and flames on this or any other forum than I can change the broken cells cloning out of control in my bones and in my tissue. I am done vomiting from medication and I am done trying to convince doctors and nurses of pain I have when the nature of US health care is to assume back pain is equal to junkie scams. I have no idea what to do next but I do know that not any ounce of my will can change the simple fact that I will die of cancer eventually. Not any rage against the dying of the light will ever change that light's dimming to black. Even if I manage to survive another round of this hell nothing changes the fact that I will die someday, and at times that fills me with the same dread that I felt as a child when I lay awake at night trying to imagine what death is like. Not any trauma I've ever done to myself or that has been done to me could compare to that moment as a child when you realize that eventually everyone dies and trying to imagine what it is to not breathe or think is the same as becoming absolutely nothing.
Other nights it just makes me sad that I haven't done more. I would love to have the strength to finish all that I wanted to up until now. Some nights I cry for no apparent reason, lying to my wife that the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer really does touch me that deeply however I'm pretty sure she's on to that yarn.
Tonight it just makes me tired. It makes me tired to wonder how long I actually have. It makes me tired to wonder how I can help my wife be taken care of for my funeral or help her afford rent when I am gone. I am tired worrying if I taught my wife enough about *nix to be able to use and troubleshoot the media server running the TV. I am tired of crying for myself. I am tired of crying for my wife. I am tired by other people crying for me. I am tired telling other people comforting things so they can feel better about my cancer. I am tired and have no energy left for rage or happiness or depression or any other emotion. Emotions take energy and there is none to be had. I have to squirrel energy away for things like walking and oncologists and comforting others. I have become like a robot, and that's all I know to get through this.
Before anyone asks, I don't have a prognosis yet for you. I don't know what is coming treatment-wise. I don't know what odds I can be given, or a time-frame. I only know how much pain there is and the alarming blood work. I only know that there are masses growing and I can touch and feel some of them. I only know that metastasis is very real. I only know that I am done wasting my time on ******** arguments on forums on the Internet. I only know that it feels bad. I only know the look I was given by the oncologists and nurses isn't the look I got from them last time around. I only know that in the end death always wins. I only know that no matter how much longer I have, be it years or decades or weeks, it is never going to be enough so I am going to do everything I can will my body to do for as long as I can and the Internet is among the lowest of my priorities. I wish you all well. I'll be around, I guess. As much as I rage against wasting time, I'm only human and eventually I will find myself back on the Internet reading forums or poking at my servers. My hypocrisy knows no bounds, it seems.
Good night and good luck.