What your saying is some real heavy duty stuff. Its one of the reasons i have a real hard time with simple-minded binary ideas of sex / gender. For example traditionally in gender reasignment surgery it was pushed on transexuals that they HAD to act like and dress like and be stereotypes of the opposite sex to their then physical bodies. The result was that male to female and female to male transexuals frequently were more "female" than biological females or more "male" than biological males. I.E., walking stereotypes. It as develped that many transexuals are prefectly happy going only part of the way. For example I now some she/males who are perfectly happy with their "male" gentelia of penis and testicles and some he/shes that are prefectly happy with intact vaginas annd a functioning ovaries. In fact some transexuals are perfectly happy being a sort of third gender between male and female.Have to totally agree. I can even use myself as an example.
I'm going to note here that this is something I have told very few people, so you could say it's a sort of coming out.
Because I am physically male and sexually orientated as male, it's easy to label me as "straight". However those aren't the sum total of what makes up our sexuality and gender.
What few people know about me is that when it comes to the other important parts, the Brain Sex and Gender Identity, I test as female. This means that my brain is more female in the way it thinks than it is male, and while physically male, I would prefer to be female physically. If I'd grown up in a different place and time, then becoming transgender would have been a very likely option for me to choose, though due to my body size and shape it's not one that I am likely to do now simply because even with a $1 million in surgery the results would be a very heavy, set 6' 3", ugly, and un-feminine woman. Nor do I plan to become a drag-queen because my body is well and truly male whether I like it or not.
But what does it all mean? Had I been in a position where I had understood the way I was as a kid and that there was a way to "fix" it which I could have done, I'd likely be a female now, not a male, but my sexual orientation would still be male meaning that as a transgender, I'd have been considered gay.
So which am I? I know a lot of guys joke about being lesbians trapped in a man's body, but for me it's really true. What it means to me is that sexuality and even gender identity can be very subjective and labelling it based on only what we see doesn't cover the entire gamut of possibilities out there.
A generation ago transexuals would have been expected to make a full transition to the opposite sex including a sexual attraction to the opposite sex of the sex you are going to be a member of. This was in keeping with a simple-minded binary view od human sexuality and gender. A generation or so ago your mentioning that you would still be attracted to women and that you were a Lesbian trapped in a man's body so to speak would have made it damn difficult to get the help you needed to begin the transition. Also if you showed "difficulty" in adopting the full pattern of stereotypic behavior (like liking to wear pants or using little or no make-up if your supposed to be a male to female trannsexual) patterns of the sex you aspired to be you would face serious difficulties in getting help to change your sex/gender.
Regarding your own situation. Your candour in outlining your predictiment is understood. I don't know if you have sought help or advice for this and you have indicated various reasons why the transition is virtually impossible for you right now. I would like to make a small suggestion that might help. Have you considered dressing / acting (if you don't already) in an andrgenous fashion?
