Quick note to JoeMorgue: I think that this sentiment is in fact totally fine, only unusual:
I don't have a concept of "trans" gender because I don't apply any differences to the genders (...). I don't have unreasonable expectations for the sexes or genders, so I can't pat anyone on the back for subverting them. Telling me "I'm a man who identifies as a woman" hits me on the exact same level as "I'm a man who is sexually attracted to other men" or "I'm a man who wants to wear a dress." Since I don't think being attracted to men or wearing a dress "belong" to women as a group, I've got nothing to change about my mentality concerning you as a person.
Where you’re getting tripped up is:
Since I don't treat men and women different, I don't have anywhere to go when I'm told I have to, under threat of being called a bigot, treat a man with a penis and man with a penis who identifies as a woman differently
And in the bits where you want it all to make sense and be plottable on a diagram. You’re describing people making demands of you that I don’t think anyone is actually demanding. In practice, if all you do differently for the genders is pronouns, you’re all set, and anyone going “You did/didn’t hold the door for me” etc is the one being the *******. And it doesn’t make that kind of sense because it’s so personal. For this conversation, what gender is can mean a bunch of different things to a bunch of different people and nobody is more right than the next guy, just functionally we round up the few biggest groups that agree so that we can have a few chunks of consistency.
"Literally identify as the other gender as a way to get out of the expectations on my gender"
This one is where it looks like you’ve bought the ‘trans is the new gender essentialism’ line. People who started out appearing to be girly young ladies with girly interests and enjoying girly things are allowed to be transmen and keep all their dolls. People who started out appearing to be outdoorsy, sporty guys who like beer and jeans are allowed to be transwomen and continue to ride their Harleys. Conversely, guys who just like to dress up and sip tea are increasingly allowed to do that in public without being trans. Women who just want to wear jeans and not makeup, also allowed. Guys who figure out that they’d be happier thinking of themselves as women (and having that backed up by those around them), whether they want to wear jeans or skirts, same. Women who figure out that they’d be happier thinking of themselves as men, whether they want to wear jeans or skirts, (and etc) same. (Aside from places where performing the target gender role at certain times is required to get medical cooperation.)
“Then what’s the point?” some say, throwing up their hands. Well. The point is they like themselves better that way. “Draw it on the whiteboard how it makes sense or I’m gonna be grumpy,” some say. It’s still too personal for that, I think.